Are you waking up firmly connected with a sinking feeling that your marriage is in real danger?
If so, I’m sure you are aware that you’re not alone.
Each year, countless individuals find themselves lying awake, staring at the ceiling in the dead of night, wrestling with the realisation that while on paper, their life together should be great, their marriage is unravelling, and they feel powerless to stop it.
Before you let panic set in or resign yourself to defeat, remember crises, even in marriages, are not just challenges—they’re opportunities.
I say this because most of the couples I see are only experiencing the truth of their distorted connection, which means there is another truth available to them that they currently can’t yet see.
They are not seeing the truth of their true capability because they have run out of knowledge of what to do.
In the end, many give up far too soon only to repeat their unhelpful patterns with someone new.
So, as you sit pondering your marital problems, please know your starting point is simple.
Please accept that what you know today isn’t enough to get you out of where you are.
So, rather than accepting defeat or trying what clearly doesn’t work, start to become curious about what is really happening.
In today’s post, I’m going to give you a peek inside to help you gain the right perspective.
The thinking has to change!
To be successful in dealing with marital problems there would have to be a dramatic change of thinking. The old saying says “the thinking that created the problem isn’t the thinking that will solve it.”
Relationships are highly complex, so the chances of you knowing what to do are not high, but it’s not your fault.
Over nearly two decades, I’ve worked with some of the brightest minds, entrepreneurs, and business leaders, and none of these smart people knew what to do either.
So, failing marriages are not about lack of intelligence or incompatibility; they’re about becoming curious enough to develop new knowledge and new skills that you can use to find out the truth about what you are capable of achieving.
This knowledge is like learning a new language: no matter how smart you are, it needs to be learned and practised.
This knowledge will not magically descend and isn’t natural.
Understanding Men’s and Women’s Differences
Men are not naturally designed to understand women, and women are not designed to understand men.
If they do think they understand their partner (as some do), we are in the land of little knowledge done badly, which is worse than no knowledge at all.
The differences between men and women are staggering, so if a person thinks their partner is a version of them, they will enter an unhelpful expectation model, and this thinking will ignite circular bickering or emotional shutdowns.
Destructive meanings usually follow unmet expectations; before you know it, these misunderstandings leave people feeling uncertain, unloved, and insignificant.
Practice that for a few years, and the results are never good, as stacked resentments can lead to detachment, which can lead to decisions to end the marriage.
What about a person’s relationship with themselves?
Remember I said relationships are complex – differences between the sexes are just one part of the couple’s dynamic.
A person’s relationship with themselves plays a huge part in how they show up.
Someone who struggles with themselves can end up putting pressure on the relationship to perform so they are emotionally secure.
The influencing factors are vast, as either the person is struggling to be their true self in the relationship because of their distorted interpretation of the relationship, or they are dealing with challenges from the past, or both.
I tend to find helping someone effectively navigate themselves to control their emotional states is one step toward taking back control, and managing the relationship safely tends to dial down the triggers from the past.
Many clients don’t like going back in time to deal with today’s problems.
One lady who was sexually abused in her childhood wanted me to help her build a successful relationship without going back in time.
The healing for her came from the empowerment of connecting to her true self and trusting herself to respond in ways that served her and added value.
A person with a poor relationship with themselves will usually stress their connection as they want their partner to be the healer of past issues which were nothing to do with them.
What’s interesting is most people I meet tend to have lost connection with who they are, and this will also need to be reset so lower stress levels.
That reset also includes critical needs. You need to understand your own so you can help your partner be successful with you, and you need to understand theirs, too.
I’ve never known a couple who are meeting each other’s needs want to leave their relationship so this is another must to learn.
Knowing what you need is critical
I find that many know what they don’t want but cannot tell me what they do want.
They may say they want to be happy, but they cannot be specific about what that looks like or means.
I recently asked a lady why she had not helped her husband to understand what she needed.
I could see that part of her just wanted him to know—the mindreading model some people use will only harm the relationship, as it’s impossible and unfair to expect that of anyone.
Their mind-reading expectations make them highly ineffective team members, so I help people break this pattern when I see it.
She told me she had been crystal clear with her husband over and over.
Many women think they are being clear but are unaware of how their husbands will translate their words.
I was not surprised to see he was still in the dark.
So, I asked her to explain it to me. I asked her to coach me on what she needed.
As she spoke, I could clearly hear what she was asking for, but she talked to me like I was a woman who understood the nuances of her message, not explaining it in a way her husband would understand or take action.
In simple terms, she didn’t understand him well enough to communicate clearly, so she couldn’t help him to help her.
Her communication was ineffective, but she didn’t know, so she blamed him for not taking the action she wanted—the meaning she attached to this situation was that he didn’t care.
Of course, she was profoundly wrong; her husband loved her and couldn’t understand the upset, so he felt he was failing her every day.
His solution to this problem was to spend more time where he could be successful—at work, where he could at least earn money.
His solution gave her even less of what she wanted: his time. This made her more upset, and so he spent even more time at work.
This common pattern of confusion can lead people to detach, as the stress can be overwhelming emotionally.
But there is more
When couples really start to dig into all this with me, they can discover concepts such as “Attraction Dynamics”, “Thought Sequencing”, “Healthy Conflict Models”, and “Life by Design”.
They can discover how to self-validate by understanding how to take charge of their emotions and choose the ones they want rather than being victims of what randomly comes up.
In essence, the mission is to empower in such a way that puts individuals back in the driving seat.
So, no matter where you are today, this new approach to your problems could help you understand what is possible for you today.
Both individuals and couples are taking steps to learn these critical life skills.
The process is either a reinvestment process for a partner who wants to leave the marriage or is unsure what they want, or it’s a process for improvement and relationship development.
Summary
Marital crises often reflect deep misunderstandings rather than fundamental incompatibilities. Learning to navigate these complexities is like acquiring a new language; it requires new skills and new perspectives.
Recognising the differences between partners and effectively communicating needs are critical steps towards improvement.
If you’re ready to make a positive change in your marriage, please don’t wait. Ongoing upsets can quickly cause what feels like a permanent loss of feelings, which can lead to decisions that are the most challenging to reverse.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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