For many people in a struggling marriage, the thought of having another 5 years that mirrors their last is too horrible to bear.
A possible breakup due to the relationship not working can feel just as awful as staying in a marriage that doesn’t work, so people can feel very stuck.
However, the stuck energy can change almost overnight if the person shows accelerated signs of distress and exhaustion, as they can start to prioritise relief from emotional pain above discovering if the marriage can be saved.
Of course, the divorce process is extremely hard for all concerned and can take a long time to conclude.
This can profoundly affect their emotional health and their professional lives as there is so much uncertainty as others decide on their future.
The process is also very hard on their children. On the surface, children can seem resilient, but the adults I see today speak about the effect their parent’s divorce had on them, and it is significant.
So yes, the financial cost is significant and more than most realise, but the emotional cost is far more substantial and can last for lifetimes rippling through generations.
So, divorce does have its place and can be useful in the right circumstances, but it must be used as a last resort.
What happens if we do nothing?
The challenge that many don’t see is that time isn’t on their side with marital problems. Some hope the problem will go away on its own, but of course, they never do.
Some couples take years to decide what course of action to take, but the problem is that every day that passes creates more proof that their relationship doesn’t work, so in response, they will practice meeting their needs outside of the marriage.
In this place, they are both learning how to feel good in their lives without their partner, as the relationship no longer meets their critical needs.
A marriage that runs this way can end up feeling pointless, as these negative perceptions can soon become facts in their minds.
- I don’t feel good about me when I’m with you
- I have to meet my needs outside of the marriage
- The future is not attractive
Other couples process their upsets quicker, but the one burying their head in the sand is unaware that the window of opportunity will close, and they can find themselves in the fight of their lives, as so many do.
Many people who have ignored their partner’s cries for help come to me at this crisis point, wanting to win them back.
Strong negative emotions that persist will allow people to make rash and irrational decisions based on how they feel in the moment.
So, letting problems fester is never a good idea, as the journey through the years of upset can mask the real issue, so people miss an opportunity to save their marriage.
So, delaying getting effective help is never a good idea.
Understanding the real problem
Once a couple or individual can see the gravity of their situation and they want help and answers, they are in a new zone of learning.
The objective is to help them see the same problems but in solvable ways.
One significant problem for suffering couples is their perception of the past, where resentments can stack. This can keep a person stuck in past events.
If left unchecked, their protective process will stop their ability to reinvest in their marriage.
The key is to remove their roadblocks and help the couple see the simple steps they can take to discover what their marriage can really achieve.
When a person or couple gets out of their negative cycles, they can start to see the problem. They will understand they lack the tools or understanding to process their differences and behaviours correctly.
This means their past knowledge wasn’t enough to process their problems, so creating the important win-win model simply wasn’t possible historically, which explains their unhappy past.
To be clear, no one is born knowing how to do this, so like anything worthwhile, skills are needed to manage this important area of one’s life.
The people who don’t learn the skills simply repeat their problems no matter who they are with.
Can this type of process work for us?
After years of hitting brick walls, it’s normal for anyone to feel sceptical about any solution they are presented with.
After all, they will feel they have tried everything, and in their mind, that will be true.
The problem is that they would only have tried what they knew, which would never have been enough.
The key to any solution is that it must be simple to apply but powerful enough to be effective in the real world.
The change process must be believable so they can see why what they are doing differently would work.
It must align with the feelings the person is experiencing so they can relate to the process, which makes the new world easier to step into.
It must also be clear that if they take new actions, they can see how they are part of a far happier future.
The process must help them become more of who they really are and empower them to connect and evolve any interaction.
The process must meet each other’s critical needs and invoke an attraction dynamic.
This is where the majority of couples fall over.
Not knowing how to maintain attraction and emotional security is one of the most challenging dynamics for all long-term couples.
20 years of helping couples understand their crisis
When you spend this amount of time with a couple in crisis, it’s easy to see the patterns of destruction and the patterns of connection.
Being able to help people understand what I can see very quickly in their FREE call with me allows them to start to see how their impossible problem could be solved.
This gives them comfort that I can help them; sometimes, the solution that successfully reconnects them is not what they expected, which is why they struggled.
Once the initial fears are overcome, many clients tell me that the process is fascinating; some have become coaches themselves, and others have written books and used this knowledge to help their children.
They learn about themselves in ways they had never considered because they feel enlightened.
With training, they can now see why their partner behaves so differently, and they can now separate toxic behaviours from natural gender-based behaviours.
“The process is life-changing”
This is common feedback for clients who have embraced the process and committed not just to it but also to themselves and their marriage.
Empowered and enlightened are common phrases I hear.
I am personally aware of these feelings because I practice everything I teach in my own life and marriage.
I wasn’t born understanding any of this, and the journey of understanding has turned me into a lifelong student of human behaviour in the context of intimate relationships.
Most importantly, it’s turned me into a lifelong student of Cloé, my wife.
After all, if you cannot understand your partner’s emotional world, how can you grow together if you cannot connect and support them?
Your success’s identity
One life-changing aspect of this process is helping clients create a “successful identity, ” enabling them to become highly effective relationship partners.
Most people without knowing have already created “success identities” either as a great friend, a great parent or a “success identity” in their chosen careers.
What “success identity” means is that they feel so good because they understand their mission and what to do when things go wrong. Thus, their personal needs are met, and they feel confident in these areas.
People who have not developed these types of “success identities” in relationships will not know what to do when things go wrong and will not meet their critical needs in the marriage, leaving them to gravitate to where they do feel happy and valued.
So, relationship-based “success identities” need to be created so that people have the same level of confidence in their marriage as they do in other areas of life.
Is the investment worth it?
My clients are committed to finding a way forward in their marriage, especially if they can see a win-win model for themselves and the whole family.
The real cost is in a person’s decision to NOT take action because whatever they do, there is always a price to pay.
- How will NOT taking action affect the family?
- How will NOT taking action affect both people if we don’t do our best to understand and discover what’s possible for us?
- What will NOT taking action do to our joint wealth if we allow the collapse of our marriage?
- What will NOT taking action do to our performance in our careers?
- What will NOT taking action do to those innocents that we love?
- What if the grass isn’t greener, and one or both of us regret not doing all we can?
A common message my clients give me is that regardless of the outcome, they want to be able to look themselves in the mirror and know they did all they could.
I see a lot of divorce regret. Some even spend small fortunes on lawyers only to get cold feet at the last minute.
None of this is necessary if you enter a process that will give you the clarity you need.
The question is simple: with the right help, what are we capable of achieving?
Saving you and your family years of upset
I agree that not every couple is a good fit.
The key is to find out what is possible with the right knowledge, tools, and strategy.
It’s key to act on intelligence, not feelings, to gain the certainty you need. The mind is very powerful and can lead anyone down the wrong road for short-term relief, so you must be careful.
So you can keep analysing the problem. Or you can start to learn what you can’t currently see.
I help high-achieving individuals worldwide quickly learn if rebuilding their marriage is possible so they don’t waste years circling the wrong problems or make costly mistakes.
If you’ve had enough of the same old issues and are looking for a life-changing transformation, apply here:
👉 Apply Now – Private Coaching
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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