If you find yourself in this situation, firstly understand there is likely to be a really good reason behind it and your natural reaction (whilst understandable) will not be helpful to her.
So understanding what to do will create a significant impact on how she sees you.
There are two forms of aggression, one where she is verbally aggressive, the other is where she is physically violent. The one we are looking at today is verbal aggression only.
If your wife becomes verbally aggressive, it’s highly likely she is trying to get a message through to you.
What looks like aggression in a relationship to a man is probably a need in her for connection.
She has become more aggressive because she feels that he has not understood her and so she is escalating her message hoping he will wake up to the pain she is in.
This is really hard for men because it will really feel like an attack, but her anger represents her pain and her fear for the future.
If her aggression is mounting it’s because she is fearful about what will happen to her if she can’t get through to him.
What’s at stake is huge for her which is why the energy is so aggressive she is in danger of losing connection with herself and him and that is directly linked to her trusting him.
No trust equals no relationship and so you can see why she is upset.
To him, she is being mean – for her, she is fighting for the relationship.
In a man’s world, this makes no sense – he wants to talk about this calmly and why all the emotion?
Men don’t see the world as she does and so a calm conversation will not connect him to the severity of her fears hence her heightened emotion.
This is just how she works and to be honest, wouldn’t it be great if all this energy could be redirected into the bedroom?
What is her anger about?
So the initial goal is to understand what is really going on for her. If you understood that then you would become significantly more successful, which is what you both want.
The goal is not to shut her up you’ll just make it worse, the goal is to connect and care about the struggle she is in.
She is not looking for a solution to her problem she is looking to see if the pain she is in matters to him – she wants connection and his attention.
If she has got to aggression she is probably feeling that she has been communicating her problem and she feels unheard and there is no empathy for her true feelings both now and historically.
Most men struggle with this, and most women can’t understand his problem; remember she doesn’t understand you either.
To make things worse most men are making her struggle insignificant and this will make her feel he doesn’t care.
If how she feels is misunderstood what happens next is she will become automatically more masculine, self protective and more controlling, and that needs to be reversed.
So this is critical to get right.
Escalating energy with no connection, no security, and no love means she will end up protecting herself from him – this is not good at all.
In relationship terms it’s critical she remains connected to (for most women) her feminine-self because if she isn’t then she will struggle to see him as attractive.
Whilst she has to be in her masculine self (self-protective) she will not see him as attractive, and so she will probably stay upset and also block sexual intimacy.
She may complain that her partner has become a child for her to look after, or is just weaker, if he confronts her he will be branded controlling or a bully.
The reason she feels he is weaker or a bully is that when she becomes aggressive, what she really needs from him is love, connection, and care.
Men that feel they are attacked will usually become defensive or even attack back the total reverse of the love she is after.
His emotions could be anger, defensiveness, shutdown, escape, or bullying.
He may even find when he tries to fix the words she uses, she becomes even more upset, resulting in him becoming even more confused, he wants to fix the problem, but nothing he does works.
You see what she says, and the meaning behind her words are different, just to add more confusion.
Unless you know her real meaning behind her “aggressive behaviour” then you may start to treat her as if she is a man and that’s bad news for you both.
Learn how she works, and learn what the real meanings behind her words are is the answer to this problem.
Her message is likely to be that ‘she doesn’t feel safe!’ To a man this message is ridiculous, but it’s very real to her and must not be ignored or belittled if you want to save your marriage.
If this happens and what she gets is an emotional response from a man, this will only make her become more detached as she becomes numb to her situation if practised over time.
How she sees it!
What she sees in the moment is, she is in pain, and she watches the man who promised to protect her become weaker than her.
In other words, when she is in pain he makes her pain about him.
At that point, he becomes less attractive, and weaker and so he becomes pointless in the relationship.
She effectively becomes the man in the relationship in terms of providing emotional security for herself as no one else is.
Some women may even be holding back how they really feel to protect their relationship.
In other words, she is holding on to her inner pain because she fears if she communicates what’s going on he will run away or behave in a destructive way towards her.
Effectively she is looking after him and this is why she sees him now as her child.
Deep inside she wants to be emotionally looked after in the relationship, if she can’t be herself in the relationship and she has to change she will resent him.
Not being able to be herself is her biggest source of pain for her.
Honesty will be one of her biggest values, and yet she feels she can’t be honest in the most important part of her life.
If she has children she also knows that she is passing this pain onto her children as they look to model the behaviours in the relationship for their own future relationships.
Destructive relationship patterns are not the legacy any parent wants for their own children.
- If this has struck a chord, please don’t hesitate… get in touch today.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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