I see a significant amount of people who are shocked their partner actually wants to divorce them. They never believed it would actually happen, some just assumed their problems would get better on its own.
So today I’m going to share what I see coming into my offices every week and why they are there.
I’m not going to talk about the obvious stuff like affairs, today I’m going to share the things some couples are NOT aware of that can really hurt them.
If you are experiencing any of the following it’s critical to take action as they can lead to what feels like a permanent shut down.
When the couples I see have not made their relationship a priority at least one person is going to be stacking resentments against their partner.
It’s critical to listen to a person when they say for them there is a problem in the marriage. If they want to seek help DON’T SAY NO because they could emotionally shut down if they think you don’t care how they feel.
Far too many people wait until crisis until they will agree to come – this is not a smart move as the job of saving the marriage gets significantly bigger the longer they leave it.
If one person says there is a problem and the other disagrees that in itself is a problem so please don’t ever ignore them.
I see many couples where one person feels they are low on their partner priority list this causes massive problems. I’ve had a person tell me their partner is 100% the most important person to them yet when I ask their partner if they feel they are a priority their answer is no. This problem has to be corrected as it can lead to emotional detachment.
Couples that have not kept their sexual energy alive can really struggle to reconnect this is because they are unaware why the sexual energy left the relationship. Without this knowledge, their focus just on being sexual will be very difficult/impossible and they can see this as proof of incompatibility.
Not understanding your partners’ critical needs can lead them to meet those needs elsewhere this process is not conscious so distance can start to happen naturally and this can seriously hurt a marriage as a person can feel misunderstood and alone.
Couples that don’t argue are missing honestly and openness and this can lead to hidden resentments. One lady I saw a few years back never told her partner of her issues with him and after twenty years of marriage and not saying a word she just told him she was divorcing him.
He never knew there was a problem because she never said, he was devastated.
She couldn’t understand why he couldn’t see she had been holding back all these years in the marriage and to her dismay, he had never noticed.
Couples that bury their problems are under the illusion the problems have gone. I see many couples where a significant problem from years before was buried so not spoken about again. So it sits simmering in the marriage ready to come out and bite the couple.
If one person in a relationship feels they have to protect themselves from their partner this will kill love and passion in that marriage.
I see a significant amount of couples where at least one person feels the need to control their partner. This always ends badly. People in relationships must feel free to be who they really are and make the choices they really want to make.
If someone is overly controlled they will find secret ways to take back control or they will be shutting down emotions towards their partner. One gentleman was so controlled one day he just snapped and left her without a word.
Couples that start a family and settle into living as mum and dad and forget how to be husband and wife and lovers. These couples do make their relationship extremely vulnerable.
If you feel contempt is starting to invade your marriage this is a big one to notice and deal with quickly. This emotion can shut feelings down and cripple a marriage.
If you notice your partner is needing to spend more and more time away from the marriage it could be a sign they need to get away from their partner to reconnect with themselves because they can’t be themselves at home.
If someone is constantly made to feel wrong, judged or criticised this creates natural distance and a feeling that the relationship isn’t loving or safe to be in.
The key to dealing with marriage problems is to take action fast as soon as there is a problem so it doesn’t give the couples the message is no hope for their future.
I know today someone will read this and it can take them 12 months to 2 years before they will hit a real crisis and then they will be in the fight of their lives.
Please don’t wait to get help, see the signs now and take action.
Living together is challenging and this is why helping couples not only breakthrough their immediate problem is half the battle.
The real key is learning the skills that bring a consistent energy that keeps the passion alive and at the same time keeps the relationship bulletproof in the future.
If you are on the verge of divorce there is a significant chance of divorce regret so my advice is don’t take a chance know for sure if you are right or wrong for each other.
