There are many occasions when I’ve see grown adults squabbling like a couple of kids, all red-faced, puffed up, and trying to be right.
These adults can have big real-life responsibilities, some are leaders of thousands of employees and some looking after millions/billions of pounds of business, they can also be parents of children they love and want the best for them yet this is the model the kids are presented with at home.
So I tell them what I’m seeing, not to embarrass them, but to help them see how futile this behavior is and how much better it would it be if we could redirect all this energy and passion into rebuilding the relationship, or better yet direct it ultimately into the bedroom.
Resetting the expectation
So I have a message to anyone in a relationship that’s on this rollercoaster.
What we are not told when we get married is you are going to have lots of problems and you are not going to understand them and what’s worse is you are not going to know how to solve them.
In fact, if you do try to solve them you might find they get worse, or you might think you have solved the problem, but will quickly discover you haven’t at all.
It’s not you and it’s not your partner’s fault, no one knows how to get this right no matter how clear you think you are both being.
Everyone is lost, doing their best.
What’s important to understand is you are not designed to understand your relationship problems and you certainly cannot use the problem-solving skills you naturally use or use at work to solve your couple’s problems.
In fact, the problem your partner is facing is going to be different from the one you are facing even when you think you are talking about the exact same thing.
So couples need to stop expecting their partners to understand them and move to find out what the real struggle everyone is facing and how to overcome it.
It was a day of sadness and relief – I remember working with this gentleman he was 71 and they were suffering and he said I have known my wife for 48 years and I’ve just discovered that I never really knew her and what she was trying to say to me.
Many people think if the relationship is too hard to be in then the relationship is wrong and they couldn’t be further from the truth.
Men and women are not naturally designed to live in a box call a home for life. If the couple wants this then they will need to learn skills that will help them align on what’s really important.
Anything that’s worth having is a challenge and once it’s mastered can bring such amazing rewards for those that took the time to learn how.