Fears change people, fears help people behave in ways that contradict how they would behave if the fear was not present. In fact fears help people act in ways which are the total opposite of who they really are at core. A kind loving gentle person can act the total opposite when a fear gets triggered.
It’s like they have totally changed, almost like they are not the same person.
When couples are going through relationship problems what they both experience is the fear version of their partner at play. It can feel like their partner has totally changed from the person you know and love. If the fear happening to you and is strong enough, it can feel like you feel different, almost disconnected in some way.
Fear are designed to keep us safe, but…
Fears are designed to help us be safe in the world, but the fears can easily become distorted and people can fear things, situations, or people irrationally. The outside world is usually unaccepting of irrational fears and through this lack of understanding, the person can end up feeling lost, alone and rejected.
This can bring on depression, and many destructive ways to cope with the feelings the fears create.
Fears are very real to the person with them
You see when a person is in fear, to them it feels very real, to them they have all the messages mind and body give to indicate that something bad is going to happen to them.
No amount of logic is going to shift this, people say move on, don’t think that way, that’s silly. These people mean well, but they don’t understand.
How are fears created and triggered?
Fears are created by heighted emotionally threating events in the persons’ past. If an event in the persons’ future is on some level a match, then the persons fear responses are put into action. This is all designed to keep the person safe.
When fears become destructive
The problem comes when the fears take over the persons’ life which means day-to-day they cannot function in the way they want to and they act in ways which contradict the persons’ core values.
They start to realise that their values [such as trust, respect, honesty, etc…] are being compromised. Now they start to feel that they can’t trust themselves and they start to lose confidence.
Coping with fears in a destructive way
Many people in this place get strong and shut down emotionally just to cope. This feels better initially, but in reality they are now stuck in time afraid. They limit themselves by creating almost a self-imposed prison. They are never really free, always on red-alert for problems.
This pattern of behaviour causes so many problems in relationships and in many other areas of life.
Getting control of your fears
What’s important to understand is that a persons fears has been learnt, so if they are learnt they can be unlearnt. The person who understands this is in a position to take back control of their life.
The starting point has to be to understand the fear: Most people are fearful of “not being enough” or “not being loved”.
Once we understand the fear and how it affects the person suffering, then steps can be taken to help the person unlearn this unhelpful pattern.
Is this happening to you or your partner? Is your relationship suffering because of fears from the past?
- If so it doesn’t have to be this way get in-touch today click here
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Click to find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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