Last year one gentleman asked me a great question. He said “…you deal with couples and individuals with all manner of problems and personal fears, what do you fear the most?
This was a great question, and the answer was simple.
“I would fear not being able to be my true self in the life that I have chosen.” Many people are in pain because they are loving kind caring people, but for some reason, they can’t be this in their marriage, and so they suffer.
This is one of the core problems so many couples have in their life, but it expands far further than just their relationships.
So many people are afraid to embrace their true potential, and this can affect everything.
Imagine the man who with all his heart wanted to be on stage, but through fear and self-doubt, he went the safe route got a job for life as an accountant only to be made redundant putting his family at tremendous risk through this need for ironically a safe job.
His thinking actually took him to a place of uncertainty until he embraced his gift.
This is the biggest lesson I learnt – our thinking is the primary reason we have the life we currently have good or bad.
This was a hard lesson to learn, and many will reject this thought, but…
…when I look back at times in my life that were hard or difficult I too wanted to blame others, blame the situation, or suggest to myself others were luckier than me, brighter than me etc.
I couldn’t see back then that I was putting the power of what was happening to me in the hands of others and that was the thinking that actually made me out of control of my life.
I didn’t realise that the moment I took responsibility for being in the life I didn’t want that was the moment I empowered myself to take control and be in control of thinking differently and claiming the life I really wanted.
The moment I learnt the lesson that it was my thinking that’s at the core of what would make me successful or not, that’s the moment I was starting to learn the lessons that life was giving me every day.
Before I couldn’t see the lessons and yet there were so many starting me in the face.
Taking responsibility put me 100% back in the driving seat so I could start again and learn the thinking that would allow me to truly be myself and add value to everything that was important to me.
If I were to talk to my younger self I would tell him that you don’t know it all and success only comes from truly becoming valuable to the areas of life that are important to you.
One billionaire wrote – if you want a billion dollars then solve a billion-pound problem. This level of thinking needs self-belief and a clear vision.
In my world of relationships, the new beliefs and vision are just as critical for helping couples out of problems. The new thinking you’re going to need is how to be so valuable that your partner feels amazing when they are with you.
Very few couples know how to do this because they don’t have a vision/map of how to do this or the belief it’s even possible. They think they have tried everything, sadly all they’ve tried is what they know which is never going to be enough.
Very bright people are in my sessions in terrible places are 100% blaming the state of their relationship on their partner, so I have to help them to stop this practice and learn to assess what’s happened from new perspectives.
It’s their old limited thinking that was keeping them stuck.
The moment I can help them take responsibility not only do they take back the control they can create the relationship they always wanted.
- Your mission is to understand how you can be valuable to your partners in their mind. If when you speak to your partner, they are responding negatively to you then learning how to be valuable to them will be critical.
- Your mission is to become curious about your partner and what they really need in the way they need it. Most people are not aware that their partner needs are very different from theirs, so they fall into the trap of giving to their partner what they need. Frustrating for both people.
- Your job is to become aware that your partner thinks nothing like you so what are the differences? Men and women might as well be a different species their thinking is so different.
- Your mission is to understand that it takes two people to get into a crisis and have a conflict so you’ll both be part of the problem.
All this takes is curiosity and a new way of thinking to create behaviours that actually work.
Too many people are fighting for the right to be out of control of their lives by blaming others for the state of their relationship or life.
So remember if your life is not the way you want it, please know that your current thinking is at the root of it because your thinking is the one creating your decisions which are creating your life situation.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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