What any couple will notice when their relationship breaks down is their energy is usually focused on themselves and what they are not getting.
This of course is the total reverse of what they were doing when they first met.
A person in a relationship that’s not working can automatically gravitate to a negative focus.
The challenge with this person is they are so consumed by what’s wrong, they are unaware they are deleting everything that’s good.
The good is still there it’s just the person is no longer seeing it, or wanting to connect to it.
This phenomena is designed by nature and it’s one of our survival mechanisms. I’ll explain…
Imagine you are walking through a beautiful wood, the sounds, the colours, the light breeze and beautiful smells of wild flowers.
When a grizzly bear turns up in that beautiful wood, where has the focused shifted to? And is the beauty still there or not?
Also you would notice their story about the wood will have changed too.
What would have been a beautiful wood story, now has a very different story attached to it.
This happens in relationships, people are changing their story, “I knew you were never right for me”, “I alway knew you were wrong”, “I should have listened to my instincts.”
This of course is confusing for the person holding birthday cards, messages and letters all expressing past proof of love.
So what is going on?
When a person starts to feel something is wrong, they are most likely to react to protect themselves. The same as the person in the woods when a bear turns up.
Now in a persons mind when a perceptual wrong happens to them a red alert system will become activated. This is what a person does when they know a bear has been in the wood but the bear is not currently there. They imagine the bear is there!
So they can be going through day-to-day life with their partner, but apart of them (survival brain) is on guard looking for the next problem.
Look hard enough and anyone will find proof they are in danger.
When looking for problems become the persons habit, that person is unaware they are training themselves to only see the bad without knowing.
I’ll give you an example: A woman who was holding onto her partners affair. I asked her a question:
“Have you been able to successfully let go of past problems before?”
“Yes” she said
“So you are holding on to this for a reason?”
“No” she said “I just can’t let it go”
I said “why won’t you let it go, what would happen if you did?
She said “If I let it go, he will do it again”
Her survival mind thought that reminding him of her pain would protect her. Of course as remorseful as he was this could never be a permanent dynamic, because he could never live this way.
If she never let it go he could leave.
The survival brain is amazing to help us fight to get out of life threating situations, but used without knowing can have devastating consequences to our relationships.
The problem is men and women are so different in intimate relationships the possibility of fear being ignited is very very high.
So if you’re not understanding each others fear (the bear) will be turning up in some way.
I help couples learn how to remove “the bear” and replace it with wisdom and intelligence. This gives them the best chance of gaining the truthful possibility of seeing their true dynamic potential.
If you are curious abound learning more please click here to see how your situation could be helped.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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