I have seen so many couples come into sessions with a belief about their partners’ reaction to a situation, they tell me it was clearly ridiculous, they were overly emotional, or they lacked empathy.
I listen to these messages and wonder why they feel qualified to be the judge of their partners’ emotions or responses.
Them feeling qualified to be the JUDGE of other people’s behaviour is interesting because there is no stock response to anything because everyone is different.
You see when someone is upset by their partners’ behaviours it’s because a rule of theirs has been broken.
Please note the upset person usually has no idea they have a rule(s) for how their partner should behave because they never questioned it.
But they will have a rule.
So unless you are responding in a way that the judging person agrees with or accepts then clearly there must be something wrong with you in their mind.
Do people really do this and think this way? sadly yes.
They judge people and their behaviours and conclude them to be good people or bad people.
I teach my clients to look at life differently, what if we were to swap “good” and “bad” for “happy” and “unhappy?”
A bad person can’t be helped, but an unhappy person can be evolved, supported and loved.
The biggest problem with someone feeling qualified to judge others is twofold.
Firstly judging isn’t loving so the judging person is now rejecting their own identity as a loving person and this will help them feel bad.
Unfortunately, they won’t attach the bad feeling to what they are doing they attach it to their partner.
Secondly, anyone that feels the need to control other people so they are emotionally okay is going to be triggered a lot.
This usually means fears are constantly running under the surface, the person is going to be constantly working to avoid those fears, but may not be consciously aware of them.
They can spend a lot of time looking for what’s wrong so seem very negative.
So please know just because a person doesn’t react the way you would it simply makes their emotional system different, not bad or wrong.
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Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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