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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Broken Heart Seeks Reconciliation

Dear Stephen

My relationship of 9 years with my partner recently ended so we do not live together now. We have a 7 year old son. I am heartbroken and desperately miss her and day-to-day contact with my son. She will not talk about a reunion and keeps saying it is over.

What do I do?

Des

——————————————————————–

Dear Des

Thank you for your email. When a relationship ends your whole world is affected not to mention the loss you will feel, so I am sorry for your loss and in particular your little boy’s loss of not having his father around every day.

You don’t mention the reasons your partner left, but to be honest people’s reason or the problems people face are never the real reason why people split up. The real reasons are much deeper than surface problems.

Why someone will leave a relationship

The only reason someone leaves a relationship is because their deeper needs are not being met by their partner and so when they consider a future with them it becomes a painful thought so they feel that they have no choice but to go.

This is why relationships end.

For your partner to consider even thinking about reconciliation, you would need to prove to her that you understand what needs were missing for her in your relationship and that you understood why she had no choice, but to leave.

Then she would need to be convinced that not only is your understanding real and honest, but that you can commit to meeting her critical needs for the rest of your lives together. Of course, this does have to work both ways.

So the only way to help her change her mind about a relationship with you is to convince her that the future she has pictured with you is not going to be full of the pain she expects.

What she is looking for, will be a man that is an oak tree of security for her, that understands her and helps her to grow and be the woman she wants to be, in the life she wants to live.

Many men respond with “BUT I gave her everything” my response is always yes you did, everything except for what she really needed.

So Des your task is to put yourself in her shoes and imagine what her life was like living with you and what reasons could she have for leaving.

What you are looking for is a connection in what she values most. So we know that “security” will be one of her values/needs for any relationship. What could have made her feel insecure about being with you, what could have created a future that was not safe for her?

Uncover all her values/needs for having a successful relationship and discover what was missing in your time together for her.

Only when you get these answers will you have a chance with her to start a conversation that will mean something important to her and is not just about what you might want.

I will be contacting you direct Des because you’ll need to get this right for success to be possible for you all and especially your little boy.

Quick note to everyone

If you don’t understanding your partners critical needs, this is a recipe for disaster in any relationship, because how can you consistently give your partner what they need if you don’t understand what it is they want.

Worse still is two people not understanding each others needs and not understanding their own, all this creates is a relationship full of fears that then creates constant conflicts and blame.

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

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I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

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In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
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Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

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Success Stories

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Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

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We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

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April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

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Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

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Recent Posts

  • Do You Know Your Values & Why They Are So Important?
  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
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