Dear Stephen,
About a year ago, when I was still together with Paul, the man of my dreams, I was in repetitive phone contact with my ex boyfriend who wanted to be back together with me. I did not tell Paul anything about this contact as I did not want to disturb our new and fresh relationship.
Unfortunately Paul found out and did not handle the situation well at all. It turned into a nightmare and he accused me of wanting my ex back, accused me of cheating behind his back and got in contact with my ex to tell him off in a rude way. I am sure this kind of behaviour is due to problems in earlier relationships where his girlfriends had ‘really’ cheated on him. He became a very insecure man and now I did more or less the same to him.
The months that followed were full of accusations and hurt. We both hung in there, was our love so strong. But we never worked it out, up until today he was not able to let go of that situation and to move on from it.
This finally, after a long battle, has resulted in a confusing break up, where we were still sharing intimacy but he had given up to build a future with me. I was devastated when I heard that now he has started to see someone else and he started to push me out of his life.
However, he keeps telling me that I am the love of his life. He never could love a woman again as he loved me. He thinks of me everyday. He says that his heart loves me, but his head is stopping him from being with me again. Why? Because he is scared and fearful that I would ‘cheat’ on him again. He just can’t help it, so he says.
He is 42 years and wants to have a family. He is rushed and he doesn’t have time so he says.
What hurts so much is that I know that I made a mistake, I have explained this to him and promised that I would never be dishonest to him again. At last, we both want the same thing: a family (I am 34) and a happy life together. We share a lot of common interests as well.
So basically, the only thing that prevents him from being with me, is his head that tells him not to be with me because he thinks I would do the same to him again and cheat on him with other men.
My question is, how can I turn things around?
How can I stop him from bonding more with this new woman?
How can I make him come back to me and believe and trust me again?
How can I make him trust in his heart and not in his head?
Thank you for your help. I am at the end. I have written him and spoken to him but it just doesn’t get through to him!
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Dear Lucy
Thank you for your email…
If any person a has been the victim of affair in their past they are going to be on red alert for something similar happening, these events are very painful and so our mind and body will work together to protect us.
The place that Paul is currently in is a place of extreme fear which he has now attached to you, so much so that he cannot see a future with you that is safe for him to be in. He has been shown by other partners that he is not enough for them and he was not able to please them. Now he fears that you could have done the same to him. In his mind it’s real.
Not being enough is the biggest fear we as humans share. Combine that with the proof that historically other men end up pleasing his partners more than he can, is devastating for him.
With this as a history can you see how even the risk of accepting that nothing happened, or it meant nothing is at the moment too bigger a gamble.
So despite his love for you he feels he has no choice, but to remove himself.
Trust is the issue and this has to be your focus, if you want this man back, you must start with honesty.
The first step has to be to get to a point of agreement showing him that he was right to walk away. This may sound like the reverse of what feels right, but if you fight him on this he will trust you even less.
The next step is to tell him why he was right to leave, just so he knows you understand how he felt. Explain what you should have done I.E. The first call that came in from your ex you should have dealt with it and protected the relationship, and told him that what you were doing.
Then explain to him how amazing he was as your partner. Tell him how successful he was with you so he can start to see that he was the man he’s always wanted to be. Explain that he is enough for you and explain why.
Align with the fear he shares, that he may lose the relationship. Explain to him why you did not tell him and be honest, he will feel it if you are not telling the truth.
At this point you are asking for nothing, in other words no pressure on him.
Keep the messages going about how he made you feel inside, how you saw your future with him, paint him a picture of a wonderful secure life full of love, trust and honesty.
Make him feel like the man he has always wanted to feel.
Remember he has probably never felt number one before and through your words and actions you can help him to connect with what that might be like with you.
Will all this get him back? There are no guarantees, but by being the very best partner you can be at least you give yourself the best chance starting today.
“This really is the message to everyone out there experiencing relationship problems. Become the best partner you can be fast. If you want your relationship to work, how will you know if it will work if you pull your love away. All you will get is a partner that does the same and where is the growth in that.”
