One of the most challenging feelings for any person in an intimate relationship is the dread of what you know or think you know is going to happen on the other side of your front door, night after night.
Or maybe you’re the person dreading your partner coming home, your heart sinks as the the key goes in the front door and your peace is about to end – so the armour has to go on.
So many people have this life sapping experience and many will find ways to not come home (work longer hours) or they will find things to do without their partner (escape in some way).
As you read through todays post I will share the number one action a person can take that can lead their relationship to severe disconnection and make this situation far worse.
This kind of experience is rooted in a number of challenges.
The starting point is the couple have uncovered they are disconnected in so many areas of their life.
This can result in one or both people feeling some or all of the following…
- They can’t communicate
- The smallest things are sources of conflict
- They are holding on to past problems
- The future is looking uncomfortable or non-existent
- They feel exhausted
- They don’t feel they can be themselves with their partner
- They can start to wonder what a new life would look like
- They can’t connect intimately, or if they do it’s a chore or uncomfortable
- The children or the dog becomes their focus
- They can start to feel they have nothing in common
- They feel in a constant battle
- They feel misunderstood, untrusted or betrayed
- Some feel abandoned, rejected or just let down
This list is just some of the powerful forces that many relationships experience that start the process of disconnection.
I remember speaking with one man who circled the block a few times just to extend the point of when he put his key in the door. He knew he would walk in and be treading on eggshells for the rest of that evening.
So many people in these kinds of situations spend years trying to make their marriage work only to find nothing they do works.
The sad part is they don’t really know why and so they assume they married the wrong person, or their is a better life out their for them.
So they can start to think their relationship is impossible, or their partner is mean or incapable of building a fun passionate relationship.
Logically it makes total sense to think this way, however…
What couples must do is get to the bottom of why they are really in trouble.
You see all the challenges above are symptoms of root challenges.
What I see in my practice is so many couples living together with really no idea of what is really takes to make a marriage work for life.
So instead of adding massive value to each other they misunderstand each other so badly they end up protecting themselves from each other.
Protecting yourself from your partner is what every couple does to get to disconnection or divorce and separation.
Protecting yourself is totally normal and natural, but it’s the lack of understanding of what’s really going on in the marriage is what will create the need for self-protection.
The biggest challenge with a person in self protection is at some point they will need a story that will justify this position so they will look for every wrong doing they can find.
And they will find many wrongs.
They will then live that story – often rewriting the relationship so it seems to them the marriage was always wrong. They will convince themselves this is the truth, but of course it’s a partial truth.
What they are not seeing is this story comes from the perspective of self protection and is just one perspective and of course every situation has a thousand truths.
Only seeing one perspective does them their partner and the marriage a massive disservice.
For couples to make safe decisions about their lives together it’s so important to understand what has really happened and what is possible with the right information.
I have said so many times before that some couples should not be together, but I strongly encourage them to understand why the breakdown happened before they spend their lives repeating the same problems with someone new.
The mind is a very powerful force and can give a person negative feelings that are based on the wrong information.
The challenges as I see it:
Men and women are so different they are designed to not understand each other.
This means they will naturally struggle with communication in all forms from emotional connection to conflict. What one person means when they speak can then be converted into the other persons interpretation.
Also the couple don’t understand the basic rules of what creates a successful relationship such as whenever you make your relationship about YOU – you’re killing the relationship. The relationship is the place where you go to add massive value to your partner these are just two of many rules couples are unaware of.
They don’t know how to resolve conflicts or remove past resentments so they bury them only to live them over and over in some form.
When problems strike they become weaker as a couple. The goal is to become a team and get stronger.
They have no future which is agreed and designed that creates a purpose for the couple and is exciting, so there is less to lose if they part.
The combination of these factors and many more help the couple disconnect.
I have helped couples who have been sexually disconnected for 7 years reconnect and live passionate lives and end up recommending so many couples to give their marriage a chance through me.
I have helped couples who have lived loveless lives that resulted in affairs reconnect and build brand new relationships.
The reason these and so many more couples breakthrough what seems impossible problems is because they learn with me how to understand what has really being happening in their marriage.
They use this knowledge to build brand new relationships.
So if you have struggled and not sure what to do why not arrange an assessment session so you can learn the root cause of your specific challenge.