I was sat with a lady a few months ago she was telling me that her marriage had run its course. She said it’s sad but these things happen.
When I asked her how she knew this was true she told me her feelings had changed and she was no longer attracted to her husband.
So I asked her “what created your feelings?”
She looked blankly at me.
It’s an important question. If someone is going to break up a 12-year marriage and upset children with a life-changing decision for everyone isn’t it important to understand?
Exactly how were her feelings created?
Her feelings were 100% real, but how were they created?
Did her feelings magically happen or was it a process?
She had never considered the origin of her feelings. She had been brought up to accept her feelings as fact, they were real so she should trust them.
“This is just me” was her message to me.
In her session with me, I helped her create many different emotional states. I guided her through each one to help her learn how her feelings were created.
Each feeling was different and each one had varying degrees of physical response attached to the feeling.
She was shocked. “I had no idea” she responded.
I shared with her that she had created a protective pattern based on a decision she made in her childhood.
At 15 years old she was abused by a family member so she made a decision to only rely on herself.
That decision created an ability to not trust others and it was still alive in her today but she never knew.
I helped her understand that her feelings or lack of them towards her husband were created by herself through this outdated pattern.
The pattern was created to protect her at 15. It was not designed to make her happy so it could never work as an effective life pattern.
I made it clear understanding this doesn’t mean your marriage is right for you that needs to be discovered because that too is a process but…
…with this pattern your marriage was a ticking time bomb.
What I do know about your marriage is you spent your whole marriage protecting yourself from a man that loved you. In pain of not feeling your love or openness, he has given up who he really is just to be with you.
The result is you have both ended up lost and suffering protecting yourselves from each other. In these conditions you will both feel exhausted, with low moods and LOVE will always (temporarily) die under these conditions.
“I’m so tired,” she said
“You’re tired because it’s exhausting to keep this pattern alive, you just didn’t know you were doing it.”
What this lady learnt is that the feelings she was experiencing were created by her. It was rooted in her past decision to trust no one.
This disabled her to the point she could no longer tolerate the feelings she created when she was with her husband.
By helping her understand she was the creator of her emotional experience this put her back in control and empowered her to choose the experiences she desired.
This couple had created a situation that on the surface looked like they should part.
As I explored her feelings we learnt she never felt safe to be vulnerable to her husband so she kept an old pattern alive to protect her.
My concern for her was she could find a new relationship and run this pattern, again and again, leading her to a life of suffering.
I once met a lady who had broken up her family 15 years before and run her outdated pattern to protect herself in three subsequent relationships.
Each one ended and she came to me confused and now giving up on love.
She was switched on enough to know that she was the problem she just didn’t know why.
My message today is you can take control of your emotional experiences once you know how.
Far too many people are out of control of their experiences and use the outside world as a vehicle to create their feelings.
The only true way to bring a person to true peace is to help them understand and control their inner-world so they can truly be themselves and choose their life direction from this point.
Gaining this knowledge is a significant mindset shift all my clients must learn if they are going to safely navigate their lives and lead their children to safety.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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