So I was speaking with this lady about her marital problems. She was just over 60 and her husband a retired CEO told her he was planning to leave her.
He told her they had no connection left and was unhappy, this was a terrible shock, she never imagined she would be this age and alone, she didn’t want to be alone!
Deep down she knew things were not perfect, but this was far beyond what she thought would happen.
At some point, everyone will reach retirement age and the problem is couples are not predicting the future problems they might hit when this happens to them.
So please know because I see this problem every day, this time of life for many ends up being in a place of crisis.
The reason is couples have been practising for far too long what doesn’t work.
They grow apart but don’t notice until the severity becomes a reality, this really is the wrong time for a crisis.
So I have to help couples at this age learn why they are in this place and what they can do about it.
Retirement is not the time for a Marital Crisis!
Retirement, selling a company, and children leaving home, are all hotbeds of unrest for many couples and are significant by the volume of individuals and couples in my sessions during those times.
It’s so common for couples who have spent so much time working, running companies, bringing up children, and investing for a wonderful retirement only to discover they have no connection, nothing in common.
Some are not even sure they like each other and the thought of their last years on the planet unhappy is more than many can bear so the marriage enters a crisis.
“I’ve got ten good years left at best!”
Some people at this age tell me they have become aware of their mortality and they don’t want to waste their last few years in a relationship that doesn’t work.
As I talked this couple through what I was seeing and why their disconnect had happened.
This lady said, “We really should know better at our age!”
It’s almost as if she felt that with age they thought they should have gained natural wisdom.
But how do you gain wisdom if you are both making mistakes and no one is learning from them?
How can you change destructive behaviours into ones that are constructive if you don’t know what they are or what to change them to?
To be fair, very few people naturally know what to do with their marriage problems and so they either accept their lot, or secretly resent their situation or their partner.
As each person described their perspectives I had to show them what they couldn’t see.
They both let their distorted emotional patterns run the relationship
This couple was in danger of mistaking their beliefs and their history as the truth about what they were capable of.
Both people had simply failed to see the distorted emotional patterns that had destroyed their connection.
All they knew was they felt bad and blamed each other.
Couples that become slaves to out-of-control patterns will always disconnect.
Successful relationships are not built on reactive patterns, they are built on understanding, consciousness, presence and love.
People and relationships need to evolve, either you’re growing or you are dying.
Staying connected is about understanding how to translate what is going on so both people end up in a win-win situation.
Any couple that did what they did would be in the disconnected place they were in, but it wasn’t their truth because they never practised what would work.
So the only way they could discover what was possible was to bite the bullet and find out.
You cannot build anything on quicksand
Relationships need solid foundations and you can keep trying to repair a marriage built on quicksand, but it will never feel like a safe, warm place you can depend on no matter what age you are.
In this case, I knew this gentleman was wanting to reclaim his life through fun and exciting adventures and this was great, but he could have this and more with his wife of 30 years all he had to do was learn how.
The challenge for a person in his shoes is motivation because sadly he was trusting his years of upset as the truth of the situation, this is his biggest mistake and challenge to overcome.
The formula is simple, bad data in, bad data out, so he wouldn’t be focused on the reality of what’s happened only on his resentment-driven bias.
His historic upset was real and painful to him, that’s not in question, but he was unaware he was a significant part of his own problems and their connection problems.
Until we met he simply couldn’t see or understand why their connection was so difficult so he just blamed her.
Uncovering the truth had the power to shift his thinking to become curious to learn more.
To be honest, curiosity to learn is all I need to help them.
Why leave a marriage for an unfulfilled life?
So without help, he was in danger of looking for unfulfilling adventures and short-lived romances that would only end up repeating the very problems he left his marriage for.
Remember if he didn’t learn his part in their lack of connection he would only end up here again with someone new.
His future success would hinge on his ability to see his part in their problems and understand how he could show up differently and bring a different result.
How could he get the best out of himself whilst getting the best out of her?
He told me he had no idea, and that was the point.
End-of-life stories tell us the truth
When it boils down to it, most people gain their true happiness and joy through a deep loving connection, but please know achieving this isn’t natural it takes understanding and skill.
Most people at the end of life are not focused on their money or possessions, they are focused on their connections and many wished they had the courage to love more passionately.
Passionate loving connection after being together for years takes real understanding and skill, skills people are not aware they need.
This is the problem, people don’t know what they don’t know, this is why I write these blogs to wake people up to a different and important reality.
The goal is to help people heading for danger into a place of clarity so they can choose a safer future this time with the right facts.
Seeing their truth takes a new understanding
Sadly what couples see is only the truth of their disconnect and distorted patterns, but this isn’t their truth.
It’s only the truth of their disconnect and misunderstanding of each other.
there is another truth for those who have the courage to learn.
They are not seeing the truth of what they are capable of achieving with the right help.
Empty nesters, retired couples, and couples who have just sold a business. My sessions are full of these people who should be reaping the rewards of all their hard work.
Not splitting up for the wrong reasons or misunderstandings.
So if you want to learn the truth about your relationship and its future, the answers are here for you.
If you are in retirement or about to enter retirement or who can see years before retirement trouble is brewing this knowledge is a must for you to know for you.
You don’t have to suffer, don’t wonder what the truth is, start to get clarity today.
Get help either on your own or as a couple, every day is precious and retirement is not the time to make a costly mistake.