Every so often, a couple turns up for help. I can clearly see one person is coachable and the other isn’t.
The uncoachable person may be demonstrating that they are not willing or ready to move beyond their current level of thinking.
They may agree they want their life to be better but are unwilling to act.
This means that if we leave the relationship to them, the relationship won’t grow past their current position.
If the couple is in crisis, they won’t have time to waste.
So, when this dynamic presents itself, I will likely offer the coachable partner space in the program to them independently.
One lady came last year for help with her husband, but as she listened to the conversation, she recognised that his position was fixed, and she became upset that the relationship would be over.
She was very unhappy with him but was not ready to leave the marriage, so I offered her a program on her own.
You see, whilst her husband was not willing to learn consciously, it doesn’t mean he couldn’t change.
The objective was to help her with a few critical points.
- Reclaim her identity as being in the marriage had stripped her of who she used to be that she liked or enjoyed.
- Help her to understand her role in the marriage and the thinking that could lead her to success.
- Give her the tools designed to get the best out of her husband.
This lady quickly realised that changing how she approached him had a profound effect on his response to her; she was initially surprised.
She said the conflict subsided, and she commented that over a few weeks, the relationship felt like it had returned to the happiness they both felt in the early days.
As the months progressed, their happiness grew. He became more flexible, and a natural desire to support her emerged.
Interestingly, if they had tried to battle on as a couple, the chances they would have divorced are very high.
My partner is the problem, so they need to change!
So many couples face the challenge of being convinced that when there is a problem, their partner is the one who needs to change.
While this is usually true, the process of getting someone to change is where people create ineffective changes that simply won’t last.
If you demand a person, changes will usually lead to short-lived changes if they are lucky.
Make the change their idea and help them attach pleasure to it. The changes now stand a significantly better chance of lasting.
This is why the process of changing yourself first is so powerful.
One lady complained living with her husband was like having a third child. As I explored their dynamic, I noticed she treated him like a child.
By changing and treating him with kindness and respect and by believing in him, she noticed a significant shift, and the husband she wanted re-emerged.
One lady was upset with her husband because he was so miserable. She was clearly unaware that her emotional state was also a miserable version of herself, and she was unlikely to help her husband or herself that way.
One gentleman had an emotional pattern where every time his wife became angry with him, he would mirror her with more anger.
By helping him learn how to love his wife in these moments, he noticed her need to be upset with him dramatically subsided.
You see, it doesn’t take two to make changes in a marriage. With the right knowledge, each person has the potential to positively influence the other.
So, there may be times when one person has to step up and take charge, be an effective team member who helps rather than judges.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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