I sat with a lady and her husband who were struggling with their marriage. Her husband really didn’t feel they had a problem but she was very unhappy with him and their marriage.
As I dug into their marriage problems I could see why she was unhappy but Is wasn’t clear why the husband couldn’t see there was a problem.
I don’t expect men that attend will understand her emotional world and how she sees it but I do expect him to understand there is a problem for her.
So I asked him why are you here with me if you don’t think there is a problem. He said the only reason he is here is that she threatened divorce and he knew she meant it.
Past that he said he was confused everything seemed to be ok from his point of view.
“So if she didn’t threaten divorce you wouldn’t be here with me?”
“No I wouldn’t be here” he answered.
“I asked her when you are unhappy what do you do?” She said she either gets busy or goes very quiet for a few days.
“So you don’t tell your husband there is a problem?”
“No” she answered.
I then asked her if they were still intimate. It’s unusual for couples with a bad emotional connection to still connect sexually.
She said they were still sexually active every week.
I then told her I now understood why her husband is not seeing there is a problem. I told her you are quiet so your husband thinks you’re happy plus you are still having sex with him so for him, there is no problem.
I promise you if you start sharing your feelings openly with him and don’t have sex with him until he’s shown he cares about you he will quickly start to see there is also a problem.
So let’s look at some other examples.
- When a woman was constantly negative to her husband eventually the husband became passive and turned into a child or a nodding servant to her. She then complained he’s was weak childlike and pathetic. Essentially she was complaining about what she had turned him into.
- This man was so angry his wife afraid of him never opened up to him and this shut her down emotionally with her husband. She eventually embarked on a long affair, not with someone she loved just someone she could be herself with. His anger had pushed her into the arms of another.
- They hadn’t had sex for 5+ years and no one said a word. She acted like she didn’t need him and he got his core needs met through his job. There didn’t seem to be a massive issue until he started an affair and she, of course, found out. When couples don’t sort out their critical problems something will break the relationship and sometimes permanently.
- A woman came to me because her husband was having an affair and didn’t know what he wanted. She was naturally angry at him but she was not seeing that her anger at him was confirming to him that the other woman was more attractive so she was pushing him into her arms.
- I have seen women who acted in a certain way to attract their husband and then changed the moment they were married. They would become negative and want to change him. Husbands here will either fight back or become unattractively passive.
- So many women tell me their husbands won’t attend the sessions. How can I persuade him to attend? Men typically have an assessment machine in them call the “is it worth it machine”. If he thinks it’s worth it then he will attend. So make it worth it for him.
Obviously above is a small selection of the negative ways couples are training their partner to run away from them.
The mission everyone should be on is how can I bring out the best in me whilst I’m bringing out the best in my partner so I attract my partner.
To achieve this you’ll need to be curious enough to learn how you and your partner really works.
Men and women think so differently about their relationship you cannot use your own thinking to understand your partners’ world and be right.
This is why I have people travelling from all over the UK and from all over the world to gain unique insights into how to firstly get out of the problems they have created and then how to both people can learn how to protect their relationship and their family through new understandings and being there for each other in a meaningful and valuable way.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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