When couples try to solve their relationship problems most will notice they will either be making them worse or some will try to bury them as a means to move on and stay together.
What I see is people doing their best to get to a good place but without really understanding the structure of their problem and what is really blocking their success.
The key to helping a couple reconnect regardless of their situation is to help them see the structure of their problems so they are armed to work together as a team to battle their problems rather than each other.
The first mission is stopping the couple making their problem worse.
By understanding the core structure of the problem and learning the tools to navigate their way out of their issues the couple can avoid solving the wrong problems.
Trying to solve the wrong problem can add significantly more negative pressure on the couples already stressed dynamic.
- One person might say we are having problems because my husband has no empathy.
- Another might say my wife needs anger management.
- Another might say, my partner, as a child was shipped to boarding school and it traumatised them so they now don’t know how to connect.
Getting the diagnosis wrong can be a significant problem.
For example, sending an angry woman in a marriage to Anger Management could lead her to depressive and anxious states if the true nature of her anger is not understood.
One couple who were not having sex took themselves off to a sex therapist and it nearly broke their marriage because their problem was rooted in the couples inability to connect and build an attraction creating foundation.
So one of the core objectives must be to understand the structure of the problem the couple is experiencing so their connection can be rebuilt in a way that helps the couple achieve lasting change.
This means couples with problems MUST understand they are experiencing symptoms caused by hidden challenges in their dynamic that will naturally block their ability to connect.
Couples must understand how their problems are created so they are now armed with the tools and knowledge that helps them understand why their dynamic broke and what they both now have to do to put it back on track.
This is a big reason why I ask couples to stop trying to fix their marriage if they are coming to work with me.
I know they don’t understand their problem well enough to navigate each other to safety.
So the answer to the question what is really causing your relationship problems is the couples inability to be able to see why they are really suffering.
- I spend a lot of time helping couples navigate the structure of affairs so they can both learn how to ensure their relationship is bulletproof in the future.
- I spend significant time will couples who have lost emotional connection learn the structure of how men and women connect and how they have broken that.
- I spend time showing couples the structure of their communication and specifically why they are not hearing each other and what to do to change it.
When a couple does not understand their relationship problems and they try unsuccessfully to fix their problems they can go on for years with both people feeling emotionally exhausted wondering what’s the point.
- The point is to stop the couple leaving the relationship for the wrong reasons.
- The point is to stop the couple leaving the marriage only to find the same problems in the next relationship.
- The point is to be safe role models for children.
The answers are there for those curious enough to look.
