If you find yourself in this situation there are some things you must not do if you want to keep them.
You see the natural reaction is going to be to tell them it’s a terrible mistake, prove to them all the great things in the relationship and put pressure on them to see it your way whilst explaining the pain and destruction they will cause the children.
This is all understandable, but when you see the world from their perspective you might want to think again.
So lets jump into their shoes, they have probably been feeling awful for along time so they are going to feel emotionally empty. They will have deleted all the good in the relationship because keeping focused on the bad is what will keeps them emotionally safe and what they really want is to feel free of the pressure and pain the relationship is giving them.
So if you understood their perspective, what’s the chances of them agreeing they are making a mistake? In their mind getting out of the relationship will give them total relief of their pain. Although there will be a voice in their own head challenging them if they are making a mistake leaving.
Would they be able to see all the great things you want them to see? No they have conditioned their own minds to build a filter that can only can see the bad?
Will putting pressure on them move them towards your goal? Pressure will help them want to move away even faster.
Will they agree they are hurting the family? Yes of course, BUT the children for are already getting hurt by the current state of the relationship, so which hurt is worse?
Stack all these together and the pressure to run will become far greater.
So what’s the solution, if you want to move the person towards your goal, the first step is to understand their world and meet them in it.
The reason they are in this awful place is because you haven’t understood what’s been going on for them. So the more you focus on you and what you want not simply proves getting out is the right solution.
Appreciating and respecting their world, their feelings and their decisions is the starting point. You see, the start of any journey has to be with two like minded people. No one takes a journey with someone they can’t trust to understand them and what they need.
If they think your goal for them will give them pain they will never take it appreciating their feeling has to be the start. Remember this is the start, the road back to love can be complex butt with the right understanding it is possible.
I hope if you are in the awful place, this has given you a different perspective to work on that will at least stop you making it worse.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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