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Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

Before I share this rule break, I want to say that those that do it have no idea that it’s causing them so much pain. To them this behaviour is normal and is how the world works. The belief that what they do is normal is a real challenge and one they have to undo to ever have a chance of creating a relationship that works to meeting the relationship rules.

If they don’t change this behaviour they will never get the real love they desire

  • The biggest rule break is this: If I give to you, what do I get back? Or put another way trading for what you want!

This behaviour is fundamentally the desire to trade for what they want/need. So they will trade for love, for security, for significance even for sex.

This is the “… if I do this for you what will you do for me?”  This behaviour really causes so many problems, because this trade is all about “me” and therefore selfish and immature. So a person who gives their partner presents, time, or love could be expecting something in return, and when they don’t get back what they think they should, they become cross with their partner’s ungrateful selfish behaviour.

If a partner gives because he or she wanted their partner to feel good because he or she loves them and the intention is just to want them to feel wonderful about themselves, then this act moves them to attach wonderful feeling to this selfless act.

Unfortunately many men and women are setting up many trades every day to get their needs met in their relationship. The problem happens when their partner is unaware of the expectation of the trade. E.G. If I give you flowers will you give me sex or love. Now what happens is the person who created the trade gets cross that the trade has not been fair, even though the receiver had no idea that any expectation was there.

So think about this, if you are going to trade in your relationship why not be honest about it? Why not tell your partner you want to trade with them? Why not tell them that the trade you want is you want something in return. E.G If you give them flowers what you want in return is sex.

THE REASON YOU DON’T IS BECAUSE ITS MANIPULATING AND CONTROLLING! You’re more likely to get a slap…

You can’t buy love, or sex from your partner, a relationship is not a trade, as soon as it becomes one watch your passion and relationship die.

So the question I now receive is, “…so how do I get what I want?”

The way to get what you want is to create an adult relationship, and come out of the child model of taking. A loving adult relationship is not about you, it is about your desire to want to help your partner to be happy, to give them what they need and expecting nothing in return. Yes I did say that!

You do this because you are a loving person by definition. NOT someone who pulls love away because the trade is not fair.

You see this relationship rule of giving because you love your partner when done with zero expectation is so loving and selfless that it moves your partner so emotionally that if done consistently their desire to want to do the same will feel natural within them.

  • Now the question is who goes first? Honestly – It’s the one who grows up first!

Spend some time now thinking about the trades you are aware of in your relationship today. What does your partner trade for? What do you trade for? If you do anything with a expectation of something in return you are trading and it’s hurting you both.

Emotional Intimacy in Marriage: The Key to Trust, Connection, and Lasting Passion
Stephen Hedger
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