One of the most critical parts of any long-term relationship is understanding how to keep the attraction alive.
It’s one of the most misunderstood parts of the relationship building process which is why so many fail.
A relationship without attraction means the couple end up like friends or siblings, and most at this point are not very good friends due to stacked resentments.
This for most people is an untenable situation.
The most common ways attraction dies are when a person needs to protect themselves from their partner on an emotional level constantly.
That process can take many forms, such as breaks of trust, not being cared for, being abandoned, and being unappreciated.
But what happens when attraction is compromised and there are no big breaks of trust?
What do you do when fundamentally nice people’s attraction for each other dies?
Attraction is an energy that allows each person to connect to a part of themselves that allows the energy of attraction and sexual energy to flow.
So, to keep the attraction alive, you must know what you are doing.
Being physically attractive is such a small percentage of this process for couples in long-term relationships.
Physical attraction isn’t unimportant, so people must make an effort to market themselves to their partner, but this is more about putting in the effort to show you care.
Look at this conversation with a man whose wife had lost attraction for him and so she wanted to leave him and he wanted to see if anything could be done.
I had spoken with her and understood the problem from her perspective, and now it was time to speak to him.
The conversation with him uncovered his need to see his wife as the same as him.
He wanted fairness and to be treated the same as her.
He said, she kept saying she wanted to be treated like a queen and he felt this was ridiculous he felt they should treat each other the same.
He was unaware of the consequences of this thinking.
Her asking to be treated like a queen is a message to him that she is different, and that difference is important for her sexual energy to stay alive.
For her, being a queen is the emotional place that allows her to see him as sexually attractive.
The queen in this context is an archetype for access to feminine energy.
So as you can imagine this message is a common one I hear from women in the sessions so this is how the conversation with him unfolded.
BTW, I have had this very conversation a lot with men who are blind as to what they are doing to turn their wives off them sexually.
“So you wanted to be treated the same?” “Yes…” he said “…because it’s fair…”
“So you want to be treated like a queen?” I asked inquisitively.
“No! Of course not.”
“Ok, so you want her to be treated like a king then?”
“No! No!” He responded.
As you can see, he rejected the concept of differences being important.
So it was clear he was setting the marriage up for the energy of friends, not lovers.
I often hear this message of fairness and sameness from men, and this thinking kills attraction because what she craves is polarity, which is about embracing differences.
I do find that men are confused due to the concept of equality. In sessions they say “ she wants to be treated the same, but she also wants me to open the door, pay for the meal?”
Some men are confused, and it causes problems that are never-ending.
I had to explain that the basics of attraction is about differences in this case it’s about masculine and feminine energies being able to flow.
In this gentleman’s case, he liked being a man with masculine energy and wanted her to be the same.
But that meant she had to be a woman in a permanent state of masculinity. This would kill her ability to feel attracted to him.
She valued the masculine part of her as it’s what she used for business.
In fact they met in a work environment, but in the home with him she craved a connection to the feminine side of her, but that never happened.
I hear many woman in this place use their masculine energy to take control and get things done, but as much as they like being in control they are also fed up that they are in control all the time, just some times they want to be looked after.
They want to connect to that feminine energy when they are with their husbands.
So the attraction energy naturally fizzled out for this couple due his need for sameness and fairness he killed her ability to see him as attractive.
This resulted in her losing emotional connection with him and that led to a loss of emotional security and that process killed her ability to see him as attractive.
The energy that ignited her was now switched off, so she no longer craved him emotionally or intimately.
In fact her energy on her own was now far better than her energy when she was a round him.
For her the connection was now transactional and her husband was now like a friend or a brother, but definitely not one of a lover.
In fact that concept of him being a sexual partner made her now feel very odd.
Does this mean the end of the relationship? I have seen enough people in this emotional space who have successfully switched their attraction back on.
So, the perception of attraction sexual energy being permanently dead isn’t necessarily true.
In many cases it’s dormant not dead so can be reignited.
So far we have spoken about a woman’s sexual energy being turned off but ofcourse this can happen to men too.
Many men come into my sessions they agree their wives are physically attractive but they don’t a have a sexual craving for them.
In other words, the sexual attraction energy has gone.
Typically what I is see is men are losing sexual craving because she makes herself unattractive to him in his eyes.
For many men the emotions she displays won’t make sense so he will see her as a badly behaved, that feeling in him won’t help the sexual attraction flow.
If he sees her as badly behaved, disrespectful, and unappreciative, and he feels nothing he does works to make her happy the relationship becomes risky.
The relationship is now a risky place for him because clearly, he isn’t enough for her.
Some men will think there is something wrong with her, and others will think this is just who she is and he made a mistake or she is unhappy so oftern maybe she likes being that way.
Many women I speak to admit they are so wrapped up in their own emotions they are not connected to, or have considered how she is impacting him.
What men do in the end is uninvest his emotions and now work or friends become far more attractive than her at a needs level – after all he can be successful there.
Of course for many men if their wives energy make him feel he is failing with her this will make other women far more attractive.
Women come to me hating that men are constantly trying to fix everything my answer is that what a masculine man does.
It’s the nature of who he is, and it’s a big part of his sexual energy.
In summary
Men and women in relationships become uncomfortable with the natural differences that keep sexual energy alive.
Their discomfort drives a need to make their partner more like them, which is the fastest way to kill attraction.
Instead of being honoured and nurtured, these critical differences are being criticised, which means “I cannot be all of who I am when I’m with you.”
Not feeling accepted is a devastating position with obvious consequences.
Fortunately, this can be learned for those who wish to save or reignite their marriage in the Marriage Breakthrough Program
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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