I have put this post together because a few people have asked me why couples that started their lives together in love can find themselves in serious trouble without there being an obvious problem like an affair?
I want you to see the chain reaction that leads relationships to go wrong. Of course every situation is different, but there are some core challenges which underpins the process to go from a loving relationship to divorce.
The process I have illustrated is simplified so this post didn’t turn into a book, however please note each part has many complexities and consequences.
Relationships die because of one core reason. If the individuals needs are not met, a chain reaction is set off which can cause severe problems and is why loving couples end up divorcing unnecessary.
Not understanding and meeting your partners needs can have the following effects.
Firstly trust will become a problem because when a couple do not meet each others critical needs it creates the feeling their partner is not connected to what’s really important to them.
This may lead them to feeling isolated, lonely, detached, emotionally numb.
In essence they can feel that their partner doesn’t care about them and so they won’t feel loved in the way they need. This is a big red flag for any person to be on guard emotionally.
When a person feels their partner doesn’t care, or want to understand them, their future becomes too uncertain and so their focus moves them to what they can control, this new controlling state is usually destructive for the relationship.
Most individuals in this space will also be struggling to find their partner attractive as their polarity shifts and the attraction dies. You see it’s actually impossible to protect yourself from your partner and love them at the same time.
When a person is in this place emotionally they will create patterns of behaviour that further disconnects them from who they really are. E.G. A naturally loving person can find themselves doing the reverse to protect themselves for them this is exhausting. This is why some people complain they are hating who they are becoming when they are with their partner.
This disconnect from their true self happens mainly when they are with their partner. This process empties them emotionally. They may want to spend less time with their partner and more time with others, hobbies or work.
They can cycle from feeling sad to feeling angry and back again only getting off this endless cycle through distraction, drink and other coping strategies.
Couples can do this without being conscious of their actions and the impact they are having on each other. They will practice this process without knowing the true consequences.
The more the person detaches emotionally the less they will care about the relationship. A sufficiently numb a person can see a new life as freedom from their partner and their trapped emotionally destructive state.
So can this pattern of destruction be stopped?
To reconnect the couple and save the relationship a strategy would have to be created that would lead them safely to reconnect not just to each other, but also to their true self, the part they lost in their quest to protect themselves as the relationship became destructive.
At any point this process it’s possible to reconnect the couple back to a loving connection once the couple understand what is really going on and what they are both really trying to achieve.
Couples are falling into this process of hidden traps without knowing and it leads them to the belief the relationship is dead and for the vast majority this is simply not true.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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