Stephen Hedger in Sunday Express 30th January 2011

Client Testimonial – The True Him Wins!

When I came to Stephen I was in an awful state because I had separated from my partner and child. I knew we had made mistakes in this regard, but I could not get her back. I was calling her many times a day but all that did was make her want to avoid me.

When I approached Stephen I was trying to heal a broken relationship and I didn’t have the skills or experience to do it. I was trying to understand why things went wrong for me, and for us as a family. What Stephen did initially was he worked on improving my state, showing me change techniques. He pointed out that I had made crucial decisions in my life in a fear state, when I was in no fit state to make them. [Read more...]

Relationship Questions

Every day I write about relationship problems that apply to many people, but I know you have your own issues and questions about your own relationship.

Very often we feel that our problems are unique to us and so we feel isolated and so we suffer in silence.

This is you chance to ask your question and help others know they are not alone.

I will do my best to answer all the questions I receive in my daily posts.

I look forward to your questions.

Kind regards

Stephen Hedger
Relationship Coach

We Have Nothing In Common!

Is our relationship a mistake… I get many letters from individuals that are frustrated with their relationships because they feel that they have nothing in common with each other and so they think they must now be incompatible.

So have they suddenly lost what they had? Did one of the couple suddenly stop liking something they once shared.

  • No, what’s happened is the couple has lost it’s purpose and so the relationship became directionless. All the excitement in the early days such as dating, holidays, weekends away, marriage, houses, babies… and then nothing…!

They stop dating, the sex life starts to die, they feel the passion for each other has left, and every day is becoming predictable and boring and they start to blame each other and the relationship.

They both go to a place of fear where the future not what they imagined where they feel unsafe, unloved, alone. When they go to this place they start to search for proof that all this is true. It’s not long before they find it and so scared they go outside the relationship to get their needs met to protect themselves from this future, not yet ready to leave their partner but prepared for if it happens.

  • When this happens the couple feels distant to each other wondering where the love has gone, now sure they have made a mistake.

Where is your partner going to get their needs met now?

All the things they used to get from the relationship now has to be met outside the relationship if they feel they can’t get what they need from you, of course this works both ways .

  • So if you want excitement, maybe a now night out with the friends is now more exciting than your partner.
  • Maybe you are working more and more, because you feel more valued there than you do at home.
  • Maybe you look for love from your children or you family because you don’t get the love you need from your partner.
  • Maybe you have felt an attraction to others and secretly want to act upon it. Maybe you have acted and now you regret it.

If you are getting what you need outside the relationship then one, or both of you has stopped doing what worked when you first met. It’s not that you have nothing in common, it because both of you have stopped giving each other what you need to be really happy.

When you first met you gave you partner everything they needed without knowing and because you didn’t know what you did that triggered the love the joy the passion you think you did nothing except just be you.

Because you are still just being you, you are confused as to why the relationship is dying and so you must be incompatible.

If you had the chance would you want to make this right again..?

Stephen Hedger helps couples understand what changes will re-ignite their relationship. Most couples don’t know what changed and they fear the future. If they believe their own hype, they can end their relationship even if they have children. If this is you please get in touch click here

How To Control Your Emotions

Do you ever feel out of control of your emotions or feelings? Would you like to know what you have to do to get them, and how to change them.

Would it be better for you if happiness now becomes a choice, would that be a good thing for you to have in your life?

Our emotions are governed by three things that we do.

1. Your focus, or where your mind takes you, or what you think about.
2. You physiology how you stand, sit, walk.
3. How you talk to yourself

So when you look at that list what would a depressed person have to practice every day to become depressed.

How to be depressed

They would focus on all that’s bad in their life, they would have their head looking at the floor, maybe head in their hands, moving slowly, tense shoulders, frowning.

At the same time they would be talking to themselves in a way that hurts them (self abuse), they might say things in an aggressive voice such as “you’re useless, you’re never going to be good enough, you’re fat and ugly”… etc.

They will practice all these three things many times a day until they become really good at them. A person who does this is guaranteed to create what we call depression.

Being aware that you can do this means that you’ll also be able to stop it.

If everyday you focus on all that’s great in your life, or what you can be grateful for, then your focus has started to change. What you will notice is you can’t focus on happy thoughts at the same time as unhappy ones. So if I were you I’d choose happy thoughts, they’re are a much better choice.

Now get active run, dance, walk, do gardening, paint a room, anything, but get your body moving. Your movement will help to release feel good chemicals that also combat depression.

The next is great fun and when you next talk to yourself in an abusive way, change the voice you have been using. If you have ever inhaled helium from a balloon, then you know how ridiculous you sound. Use that voice from now on if you get abusive at yourself, or find a voice that you think is silly, or makes you laugh.

  • Try it now! Say what you normally say to abuse yourself in that new silly voice and what do you notice about how you feel. You may laugh, or want to move away from that voice, either way you have changed that destructive pattern.

If you practice these 3 things then your mood will dramatically change. To start with you it will be an effort because you are so used to things happening to you as you live in reaction to the world out of control of you.

But if you drive a car then learning to do that was once a real effort, that now you don’t even think about, just like this will be, all you have to do is practice, practice, practice.

Stephen Hedger the life & relationship coach on this website offers individuals help where depression and anxiety affects their quality of life. If you would like help please click here

The Different Versions Of You

Have you ever noticed that when you speak to different people they bring our different versions of you? These different people will give you a feeling inside, and from those feelings you’ll decide if you like the person or not, and from here you’ll create your behaviours.

Have you ever wondered why and how this happens? Understanding this will not only change your perspective on the world you live in, but it will also change your perspective on your relationships.

Did you know you have created different versions of you

In each of us are many different personalities for example, for a woman there would be the soft feminine version of her, the protective masculine side, the naughty sexy side, the fun loving side, the adventure side, in fact she can have 20+ different versions of her that at some point she created without knowing.

She thinks this is just the way she is, but what she doesn’t yet know is she can control these versions of herself and change her future. Men are the same.

Depending on which version of ourselves we are in, we will always create a different outcome.

So when people speak to us what happens is the meaning we give to what that person is doing or saying will bring out a different version of us.

So the state we are in before they talk to us combined with our meaning of them creates a feeling within us.

So yesterday you can be getting on just fine with your partner, or friend and the today nothing seems to have changed, but something doesn’t feel right, or the same.

The reason this happened is because yesterday a different version of you was out and a different version of them was out. Today you will have brought out different versions of each other again and so it doesn’t feel the same.

Every time you interact with anyone this is happening and so you are creating different worlds with the same people and this can scare you, excite you, make you happy, or sad.

So with these constant changes you will give this a meaning and attach your meaning to them. You might say I don’t like him, or she is miserable or he’s so exciting.

Live in the wrong version of you and you’ll experience a painful life

We see people changing all the time, BUT what we don’t yet know is these different versions of ourselves can create different futures, because from these different states and versions of ourselves we will create different decisions. Different decisions equals different futures.

What is more concerning is when someone gets stuck, and lives constantly in one personality type, because they feel safer, but the result can be depression, anxiety or just never happy and can’t work out why.

  • For example a person may have been brought up in a family that argues all the time. To survive a masculine aggressive version of that person would be created. A person who lives in this version of themselves will have a very tough future because the outside world will be constantly rejecting that default behaviour.

They get sent to anger management when what they really need is to retire the wrong version of themselves and bring our other productive versions of themselves that will help them to support their future.

This of course is just one example.

  • If this has struck a chord with you Stephen Hedger runs a self-discovery session to help people understand the different version of them so they can create futures and relationship that are happier stronger and in control.
    If you want to know more about this click here

Relationship Help & Advice Index

For the benefit of those of you who have just joined, below are posts from the last few weeks that could be the one thing that will trigger a change in you to see your life and relationship differently.

To your success

Stephen Hedger

Relationship Coach

Any questions please don’t hesitate in asking.

Is the Clock Ticking On Your Relationship?

What is going on in your relationship without you knowing?

Des wrote to me because his relationship was over and he was heart-broken (check out his story here). Des did not know that from his perspective and the beliefs he had for how relationships work, that he was destroying his relationship without knowing… The reverse of what he wanted…

Des is not alone… this could be happening to you everyday…

Men and women across the country are just like Des. Without knowing they have created a perspective and beliefs and rules for how relationships work, and they drop this untested system on their relationships.

It’s not long before problems are brewing and arguments start.

Des is not at fault for his lack of understanding of how relationships work, because who in our education system teaches us? NO-ONE!…

But Des has paid the ultimate price and his little boy now is without a father

Most people are blind to the understanding that they DON‘T KNOW, WHAT THEY DON‘T KNOW, and with relationships this is pretty much everyone.

Des’s partner ended the relationship based on a truth from her perspective. Truths from this place are not facts and so the relationship ended for the wrong reasons.

PLEASE don’t assume you know what’s right for your relationship, please find out THE TRUTH, BEFORE THE WRONG TRUTH COMES OUT TO BITE YOU.

If this post has struck a chord with you

  • You can call Stephen Hedger relationship Coach on 0845 519 4808 or
  • You can ask me a question just like Des. Click Free Relationship Advice

Should I Stay With Him?

Thank you for all your questions from – ASK Stephen Your Burning Relationship Question

The question for Stephen…



Hi Stephen,

Thanks so much for all the tips its really working for me in my relationship. But I have a question, I am in a relationship that is entering the 8th month, but my man hasn’t said anything that is committing. He has two kids and I have one, he says he wants to be careful before committing himself into any relationship. We talk everyday and I’ve visited him twice in Europe we haven’t done anything intimate(sex). Please, do you think this is a relationship I should hold on to because I really do not know what he is up too and living in deception is the last thing I want to get myself in right now. Awaiting your response.

Thanks so much Stephen.

Olu

Stephen’s Relationship Advice

Dear Olu

Great to hear from you and thank you for your question, I’m so pleased to be able to share my thoughts with you today.

Long distance relationships are tough and so I really do sympathise with you, because even in geographically close relationships, fears and insecurities can creep in grab us and get out of control.

So lets look at what has happened and what it could mean…

He says he wants to be careful because he has two children, I’m sure you can agreed this is a good thing that he values the security of his children. Of course you could see this as a stalling tactic, but unless you have proof, why assume the worst as you‘ll only feel bad and probably for no reason.

You have spent time with him in Europe and not yet become intimate, again this is great because it’s a stronger indication that he respects your wishes and is looking for a lasting relationship and not a fling.

Plus you talk every day, so he is showing you a solid commitment to wanting to communicate and find out more about you, this is all great news. Clearly he wants to find out more about you, because he enjoys your company. No man would phone every day if he didn’t.

So far everything looks great… Except for how you feel.

There are two clear issues

  • 1. You have created a trust issue and attached it to this relationship, ask yourself why, and do you have real proof he is being deceptive? Feelings and assumptions do not count as proof.
  • 2. The other issue is about the speed in which this relationship is moving at.

My question to you is this. What commitment are you after from him, and does he know specifically what you want? In other words have you told him what your relationship goal is. I.E. marriage, living together, in which country if it were to happen…etc…etc…?

You are not asking him to give you that commitment today, or even in the next 6 months all you want to know is if a relationship was right for him does he want the same future as you, whatever that is?

What this creates is two specific points, where you are today, and where you both want to be, which hopefully is the same place. If not then you need to talk.

If you both have the same goal for the future, but just need to get to know each other better then this is great.

How to accelerate the commitment

What you now need to focus on is to helping him feel great about himself and attach those great feelings to you. Help him to know that he is significant in your life because when you are with him and think about him  you feel secure and happy. When he feels responsible for your happiness the chances of him feeling great are really high.

The quicker he starts to create a future that is better with you in it, the faster he will want to commit.

Be open with him about the intimate side of the relationship, be sure he knows you are looking forward to it, so he understands there is not a hidden reason why you don’t want him this way. Be sure he knows that you also just want to be careful and sure about him like he does with you.

What you both then need to focus on is building a bridge each day towards what you really want. When this happens then you will see the steps of growth happening on both sides. When you see this you’ll feel more secure with him that you are a team / couple.

Avoid creating fears based on assumptions

Be careful of your own fears Olu, because they can and will worry him. If he senses that he is not making you happy he will feel he has failed and this does not build a great future in his mind and may help him feel he will never be enough for you.

Should you stay in this relationship? Unless you can‘t bear long distance relationships, I don‘t think you have enough information to decide at this stage, which is why you feel stuck.

You need to understand the direction you are heading and if you share the same one, it’s really that simple. After all it is eight months and you would like to know, be sure he knows you are not after a commitment today just a shared direction to put your mind at ease!

If your questions scare him away then there is your answer, somehow I don’t think that will happen here.

Please let us know how you get on Olu…

If you have a question, or would like to share your thoughts for Olu please leave your comments below.

If you have a burning relationship question ask Stephen Hedger now… Click Here

Coping After An Affair

Coping with an affairAffairs are probably one of the areas of relationships that have proven to impact individuals the greatest.

The impact of an affair is potentially huge on so many people and can literally rip families apart.

People feel betrayed, full of resentment, some wanting revenge, on all levels the emotional response is very high.

It is very rare for people to set out to have an affair.

Affairs can happen for many reasons, my experience in couples counselling have been that affairs have happened due to the person who had the affair feeling that they were missing something in their lives and they believe the new person will fulfil that need.

This is in most cases a costly perception because whilst a few needs did get fulfilled many other critical needs become pushed to one side. In the excitement the cost can be ignored.

This cost is then discovered too late and when the damage has been done.

To start on the road to recovery after an affair both parties must be given the room to air honest feelings, create new boundaries and share what they believe caused the affair.

What starts off a seemingly simple quest for lust, can easily unravel far deeper issues in the individuals and the relationship.

It is for this reason that before a decision about the future of the relationship is decided, understanding is a key part of that process.

  • You may decide that despite what you know the relationship has to end, but you want accelerated healing to get on with your life.
  • You made feel that you would like to try to rebuild your relationship and are willing to embark on a relationship building program.

Every situation is different and what you want is individual and personal to you.

Can the relationship survive?

Understanding what caused the affair is a first step to building a stronger relationship. Very often relationships that do survive this destructive event, and understand why it happened do go on to be more in tune with each others needs.

If an affair has affected your relationship and you would
like support please contact Stephen Hedger today

Step 1: Discover The Real Reason Why You Have Relationship Issues

Step 1 -Relationship Rebuilding Process

Stephen Hedger will take his clients through a process of understanding their real problems that most couples would misunderstand and confuse for a good reason to separate!

Many relationships end for all the wrong reasons

Relationship issues can be displayed in many ways and if a couple is to get to the bottom of their problems understanding why these issues have appeared is critical.

Not getting to the bottom of what’s happening in your relationship can cause even a small problem to get out of hand and confuse the couple into thinking that they are no longer compatible.

For example

A couple is having problems and the result is arguing, or punishing each other in some way.

What happens is the focus of their problems could become the constant arguments that go round in circles, or they may reject being punished and this could become the reason they decide to separate.

Their arguments could be hiding a hard to understand underlying issue, such as not feeling enough for their partner, or afraid that they would not be loved if they were totally themselves. These types of issue are very difficult for most couples to locate and there could be 1000’s of complex reasons like these presented themselves to couples all over the country.

Stephen’s roll is to help couples uncover these potentially complex issues, so the couple can start to understand and support their partner rather than create a fearful self protected reaction, that threatens the very foundations of their relationship.

Building lasting relationships with Stephen Hedger
To Make An Appointment Call: 0845 519 4808

Step 5: Dealing with Relationship Problems

Step 5 – Relationship Rebuilding Process

Stephen Hedger will explain that no amount of relationship work will stop problems arising in the relationship. What’s important is the way you work together to ensure the relationship is never affected.

Relationship problems can take 1000’s of forms.

Problems can be from outside pressures such as work, friends, family, money problems etc. Or problems can come from misunderstandings and assumption between the couple.

On top of all these potential issues we have the ever changing states the individuals go through the different communication strategies of the individuals and the massive difference between the sexes.

Stephen will help the couple understand the critical thought processes needed to keep the relationship problems at bay the couple secure and safe no matter what happens.

Building lasting relationships with Stephen Hedger

To Make An Appointment Call: 0845 519 4808

Step 6: Reignite the passion

Step 6 – Relationship Rebuilding Process

Stephen Hedger helps couple understand that making time for the intimate side of their relationship is critical to reconnect you both.

The fundamental difference between those you love (friends & family) and your partner is the intimate side to your relationship.

Couples can find that they live in a lighter version of themselves in fear of sharing their true passionate selves. When they live in this state they are never allowed to be who they really are and this can kill the soul of those people.

Connecting with the true you is a liberating experience in fact this part of you is just one of many parts that all have their roles.

Stephen will help couples feel safe to share their darker needs and how to access these different parts of their personalities and take the relationship to a whole new deeper and exciting level.

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The Relationship Building Process

Building lasting relationships with Stephen Hedger

To Make An Appointment Call: 0845 519 4808