What is the cost to you of being limited by your identity?
Understanding this is the difference between emotional compassion and a battle with life.
So my wife asked me a business question and I asked her who would she like to answer the question?
She smiled and said “that’s interesting what’s my choice”?
“You can have husband or businessman” I replied.
I know my wife loves emotional connection and so bringing the energy of “warm husband” gave her the connection that allowed her to easily hear the swift cold solution “the businessman” can give.
I know the businessmans’ swift solution on its own would have been too jarring and not respectful of her emotional system.
So I brought the system that would trigger her positively this is the skill most couple lack.
Switching identities to get the best out of life
You see the problem is many people get so stuck in one identity they become ineffective in others.
Businessmen are not good husbands, and mums are not good lovers.
I see many people who are under a destructive illusions that they are one identity.
“This is me” is what the limited person tells me as they stay glued to their suffering.
Look at a woman who feels safe and productive by being the identity of “mum”.
For some reason she doesn’t feel safe to be wife.
If she embraces this limitation what is she going to teach her children about relationships?
What deficit will she be party to in her marriage?
What will she do when children leave home?
She won’t know who to be and she will suffer!
Many couples come to me in crisis when kids leave home or when they reach retirement because they have been so glued to their identity the change of life creates stress as they feel lost.
You see the most pain for people happens when they limit their own identities.
I met this man who had prioritised his affair over his family.
So I asked to speak to the perspective of father within him so we could assess the other part of him that was having the affair.
The father that loved his kids was not happy with himself at all.
What about if you had no identity what would you now think about yourself.
“I’m going against everything I believe in” he replied.
“No trust in myself, no personal integrity, no kindness to the other parts of myself”.
You see limited identity has the ability to bring destruction to a persons life or world.
Some of the most evil acts the world has seen have happened due to limited identity.
So what is the difference between husband and businessman?
What is the difference between a mother and being a lover?
You see what if you didn’t live as one identity and you embraced them all?
What would happen if you became the identities that will get the best out of each situation, wouldn’t that expand a person to be all of who they are?
Another question could be, what would happen if you lived with no identity and you lived as a piece of life instead?
Four words instantly come to mind, empowering, simplifying, connecting, peaceful.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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