One common complaint I hear from couples in crisis is they have never been a team together.
Below is a list of qualities that good team members have learnt, so I wonder, how many you are getting right?
So, two people have agreed to spend their lives together, and yet many struggle – why?
They have not designed how they will live this life together, and so they wonder why the life they are in doesn’t bring them what they really need.
You cannot be a team if you don’t have an agreed outcome in mind – these outcomes can range from how you interact to where you are going.
Below is a sample list of what keeps coming up in sessions; if you don’t have these team-building skills, it’s likely you will experience problems.
So, if any of these below are a problem, then they must be corrected quickly.
Start here: Team members don’t make each other wrong.
They care and support each other to make changes from a place of safety. A partner who feels unsafe will never change in a good way, so the approach is critical.
Team members are a team in conflict, too.
They battle their differences, not each other; if you are bickering, you have not created a team; you have created a battlefield.
Team members care deeply for each other and always have each other’s backs, so they care before they judge.
Team members allow each other to become more of who they really are – not being free to be who you are will kill your connection with yourselves, and this is catastrophic for relationships.
Team members are not dream killers; they embrace each other’s desires and visions.
They become each other’s cheerleaders in all aspects of life.
They will parent from the same song sheet so they don’t confuse, upset and distort their children’s learning about healthy family life.
Team members embrace each other’s differences as strengths – without differences, you won’t create a spark, and so attraction and passion can die.
Team members know how to keep their passion alive, and they make staying lovers a priority.
Team members have a deep desire to understand each other so they can motivate each other positively – being right isn’t important to good team members.
They understand a simple fundamental: they cannot be angry at someone and understand them.
This means they consistently swap judgment for curiosity, thus removing the blame game.
Team members have direction and plan, a reason to be together; too many couples have no reason for being together, and so end up parents and caretakers of a home.
They both understand how their critical needs are different, and they move towards helping each other meet them – remember, they are called critical needs for a reason.
They never judge each other because they know they are not qualified – they know they can only judge themselves.
Team members never try to control each other negatively.
They choose to use love and vulnerability as a means to influence change – they never let fear be the driving force of their relationship.
Good team members have the desire to be better partners – bad team members want the world to change, so they are okay – good team members take responsibility for their own actions and emotions.
Good team members understand there is no “I” in “team”, so their focus isn’t on themselves; it’s on the greater good and their partner.
They make a decision every day to show their partner love – that’s right, it’s a daily decision.
They make their partner a priority in their lives so their partner feels number one – when anything is more important than a partner, trouble is never far away.
They build a strong foundation of safety with their finances together, so they enjoy life from a place of safety – both people must be involved.
Good team members don’t attack and defend – they have learnt to replace these outdated childlike patterns with new ones that reflect who they are.
Good team members have totally different life experiences from other couples.
Conflicts don’t scare them; they know they will experience problems, but they know what to do when they arrive.
They show up in life in a way that allows them to really be themselves, and this builds security as a result of their actions and energy together.
Couples who become a good team experience true FREEDOM.
The people who get it wrong are looking for that freedom outside the marriage.
To be clear, being an effective team takes a lot of new knowledge and understanding for those interested in learning.
So, are you a team? If not, would you like to learn how to get it right?
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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