In today’s post, I’m going to share some of the hidden behavioural patterns that can feel to the individual like critical protection, but in reality, this is like a ticking time bomb ready to create the very thing they are trying to avoid.
Behavioural patterns are really designed to make our lives easier so we don’t think about them. And many patterns such as what shoe to put on first is not something we need to think about.
The dangerous pattern is the ones we create to avoid painful situations but in reality, these ill-formed outdated patterns actually create the very thing these people are trying to avoid.
Below are a few examples.
This man rolled over and let his wife take control of everything in their marriage – in his mind happy wife happy life.
Apart from going to work, he turned into a child with her.
He did it because he thought she wanted to be in control of everything so he helped her by stepping down.
He was unaware by taking this step she had to step up and become the man in the relationship and so she could never be connected to the women she wanted to be – she hated him for this.
She was left feeling she needed to get out of this marriage.
When a woman spends her married life holding back her love from her husband because she’s afraid her husband will not love her back what will happen?
In this case, she felt she was 100% right to have done so because eventually, her husband left her for another woman.
She failed to see he left her because she didn’t actively love him he never got to know or see the true her.
Her self-protection drove him into the arms of another woman.
What about the man who stopped his wife from being upset with him by shouting at her. He did control her shouting but he lost control of her desire to be with him.
The moment the kids left home so did she.
What about the woman who was hell-bent on leaving her husband. She had no feelings for him anymore.
She was totally unaware that she had switched off her good emotions in her quest to protect herself from her husbands’ lack of care.
She was totally unaware her husband had no idea what she wanted and neither did she. All she kept saying was “if you loved me then you would know.”
She was aware she was self-numbing her bad feelings (she did this when she was a child), but she was totally unaware she had switched off the good ones too.
She was also unaware the good feelings would start to come back the moment she stopped protecting herself from him.
She moved out, and the self-protection stopped and all the good memories came flooding back her – but it was too late.
Another – a married woman was totally shocked when her husband told her he had to leave her.
She learned that her husband had never understood her the way she thought. What he had been doing had proved to her he emotionally understood her but she was wrong. She was unaware it emotionally emptied him to the point he had to leave her.
This is what he did. Every time she got angry/upset he sat with her and looked after her, to her this was perfect he cared. To him, it was proof he was failing as she was never permanently happy.
The reality was he loved her so much his failure was too much for him.
What about the man that used his depression as a means to avoid his greatest fear. He was so terrified he wouldn’t be loved he created a pattern of depression to get love through her sympathy.
Naturally, as time passed she became worn out and emotionally emptied, and as he felt her love go he replaced it with an affair.
She found out and left him. So his fear pattern of not being loved created a need in her to leave him.
What’s the fastest way many men use to get over a break-up? He falls for someone or sleeps with someone else.
This man used this pattern to deal with his anxiety every time she went out with her girlfriends on a Friday night.
He was so jealous and anxious about what might happen he would create scenarios in his head of her with other men. This resulted in him going out and sleeping with women that very night to rebalance what he made up in his mind.
The reality; she never looked at another man she loved him.
It’s not uncommon for someone in a marriage to totally change personality or at least this is how it looks to their partner.
The reality is if someone locks apart of themselves away in a relationship because they are fearful they won’t be loved, at some point that part of them can come out and be the primary driver for that person’s actions.
This can happen without any conscious connection to the consequences of their actions.
Affairs are a typical route for this type of energy.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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