The problem that keeps presenting itself in my sessions is the very simple fact that both people, on some level, have lost control of the relationship and themselves.
Because of this problem, many are feeling very lost and confused, and many are very stuck.
Others are not looking past the simple fact that they feel bad, and from their perspective, the relationship is clearly the problem.
So what have these people lost control of?
One debilitating factor a person will lose control of is their connection with themselves due to emotional patterns that are out of date – people tend to be blind to this problem.
If you imagine, a significant percentage of our emotional patterns are created in reaction to what we experience as children.
So what we think and feel to us equals normal, but to others, those patterns would be alien.
I remember asking one lady about her experiences growing up, and she quite happily shared a perspective of a happy childhood, but what I was hearing was clearly abuse.
She didn’t know and was shocked.
So when people live their lives as an adult, they are being affected by the patterns they learned growing up.
They can learn these patterns as children through coping with a difficult situation, or they can be taught their patterns through absorbing their parents’ behaviours.
Parents will find that children don’t follow their instructions, but they will absorb their emotional patterns without thought.
Many mums who are aware of their fear patterns tell me they are worried they will pass them on to their daughters.
The problem is these patterns were designed for a child, based on a child’s perspective, so many are very unhelpful in adult life.
So people (adults) are using these outdated patterns without thought under the guise of “this is me”!
These patterns are running when the person(s) are not emotionally present or thinking consciously, and you may be shocked to hear that this is most of the time.
Many can try to stay present for a few minutes only to find their mind wonders as it takes back control.
Not staying present is where the couple is in danger because unless the pattern creates more connection, growth or love, the couple will suffer.
They will suffer as the patterns: Here are a few, anger, control, withdrawal, and pleasing are designed to help the person avoid feelings they don’t want.
You will see this play out in difficult situations; their individual conditioning will play out almost in a script like fashion.
Both people are triggered when they feel in danger, and without thought, they run their patterns.
So badly created ill-thought-out patterns will, in most couples, cause problems.
The key is to repattern the couple so their automatic responses are reconditioned to reflect an identity they can be proud of whilst supporting each other’s needs.
Done correctly to goal is to create growth and connection through effective contribution.
In essence, much of the work I do is designed to wake the couple up to what they cannot see.
This empowers them to understand what they have to do, to understand what their relationship is capable of achieving.
Repatterning covers many aspects, from redesigning reactive energies to learning effective relationship-building practices.
In essence, the couple who makes it consists of two people who at last can now be their authentic selves with each other.
They can contribute in a way that brings out the best in their partner.
This way, they redress the balance, permanently keeping the resentment low and the pleasure high.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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