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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“When is a relationship over?”

When someone asks me this question, the answer I give is very simple, many will give you many complex answers, but the reality is very simple.

I have been in a few sessions and have witnessed first-hand the moment a relationship dies for good.

I remember one lady who was giving her husband a chance to rebuild a connection with her. He had many patterns that were not helping and alcohol addiction was one that was causing havoc.

I had my doubts about their chances, but they both wanted to have a go, so I agreed.

He was doing great, and she had hope for the future again.

All he had to do was keep going; he was stepping up and winning her back.

During a session, he lost control of himself and everything he learnt went out the window.

My concern was always about his ability to commit to himself and now my fear for them was playing out.

I looked at her eyes as this happened and saw she had instantly emotionally died, connection and hope gone.

She sat staring into the distance motionless until he had finished his rant.

She decided to see me on her own, but with a new brief to rebuild her life alone.

He still wanted it to work, but I had to tell him the chance she gave him was the last chance.

He had no idea what he did to her at that moment whilst out of control of himself, people do this all the time.

That moment for her was the tipping point of no return.

So the moment a relationship dies permanently is when both people give up and for this couple, that happened in less than five seconds.

When one person gives up there is a window of opportunity for the other to step up.

You see, no matter how certain a person communicates to their partner, the relationship is over for them you can bet there is a part of them wondering if they are doing the right thing.

It’s why when there is a significant break of trust, and a partner allows a window of opportunity, it’s important to know that window can close no matter how much they love their partner.

I remember a gentleman telling me he was working flat out on a presentation he hadn’t eaten and didn’t have time for a break due to a deadline.

He knew his wife was passing his office on the way to her friends’ house for coffee that day.

He texted her and said would she mind dropping off a sandwich on her way through.

She replied on text with these words, “I’m not your slave!”

That for him was a tipping point it was yet another selfish act that showed she wasn’t part of a team.

In his mind, she had clearly given up caring about him but seemed happy for him to work whilst she socialised, so he mirrored her, at that moment he decided to divorce her, and he did.

She was unaware of the impact of that moment and the devastation that would unfold.

It’s why ultimatums are so dangerous.

One person is saying there is a condition where I will be out. If the condition is unacceptable or perceived to be unreasonable, the other person will also be out.

I remember a gentleman told me his wife said “it’s the motorbike or her” he told me he chose the bike.

So the moment a relationship is over is very clear.

Is giving up the right decision?

What is not clear is if two people giving up is the right decision for them; this is where too many couples make terrible mistakes.

You see, many people give up for the wrong reasons, and this creates for them an ongoing problem.

One gentleman came for help with his wife, but she decided not to accept the help and left him.

He would have given up if I hadn’t instructed my team to help him back into the process.

I showed him exactly what to do to win her back, and it worked.

You see, divorce and leaving a relationship doesn’t make people better and more intelligent partners.

It’s why affairs are not reality, and the feelings affairs create shouldn’t be trusted.

Affair relationships will help individuals feel significantly better, but not because they are both magically better partners.

Once the excitement/chemistry wears off, we still got two people not knowing what they are doing riding a wave of chemicals that will die away.

There is no education in a having divorce that will lead to understanding the marriage, and this is a problem, especially for those who may want a relationship again.

Some learn so little from the relationship and the divorce all they gain is how to attach fear to relationships. Now the thought of being vulnerable to someone again becomes a place so entrenched with pain, that they never want to commit to anyone again.

One lady repeated her pattern in 4 marriages and was about to give up. She was smart, intuitive, and successful and she was convinced her husband and ex-husbands were the problem!

While I’m sure they were not perfect, I could see she was part of creating husbands that in the end, she didn’t like.

She was totally unaware of the impact of her own behaviours because all she could see was her own perspective.

I had to tell her the core problem was her – she was initially shocked, but smart enough to agree once she saw what I pointed out to her.

One gentleman had divorced his wife due to an affair, he then married the affair partner and created the exact same problem with her didn’t like it so divorced her as well.

He blamed her of course.

He was a bright, successful businessman but was too busy blaming others as he could only see the world from his own perspective; this disabled his desire to start learning.

He didn’t think he needed to.

He was now back home; he had remarried his first wife but was now more confused than ever because the cycle was starting all over again.

He caused himself so much stress he hit the bottom and knew he needed help.

For some, they like to learn the hard way, which means they will do it their way until they can see their way is actually hurting themselves.

Relationships are over when people give up, but people give up because they don’t understand.

This doesn’t mean that every couple should work.

What it means is that each person can learn how they are a part of creating the very problems they don’t like.

If they don’t learn, they will do it again and again and again.

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Recent Posts

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Over 1300 Relationship Articles


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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
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Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

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Chipo

Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally.


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.


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Recent Posts

  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
  • Impossible Marriage Problems?
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