This is one of those messages I keep receiving so I thought I’d help you to see what I see.
If you translate that problem into my world she would be saying she has lost the energy that leads her to feel attraction for her husband.
As we are the creator of our own experience I would know you will not be connecting to the part of you that will allow that energy to flow freely.
The question is why?
Attraction isn’t an energy that dies, even with age attraction will stay alive.
What happens is couples kill their connection and so attraction suffers and for many the being “in love” fades with it.
You see people never learn how this works because what happens, in the beginning, is automatic.
We feel automatic attraction we fall in love it’s all effortless.
The problem is that automatic energy doesn’t stay, so to keep it going we have to take action, but this takes effort and very few understand the effort that really makes the difference.
So love gets turned on, then off, and then on again. The attraction gets turned on then it gets turned off this is a reactive process and can stress the couple’s connection.
Reasons why attraction dies
So I’m going to share some common reasons why attraction dies.
Fear can play a significant part in how people’s attraction to each other dies.
It’s very difficult to love someone who you feel you need to protect yourself from.
Fear can come from many places a big one is vulnerability, most of us fear that we might not be enough and some worry if we are worthy of love.
I have to show people how to create vulnerability as a strength so they can show up as themselves.
Loss of connection is another challenge. Men and women will have very different connection models and this can cause all manner of problems.
It can lead a person into fear if the way their partner is connecting in the relationship doesn’t match their own model.
The more fear that gets created the more the desire will be to create sameness.
The moment two people start to become the same this will be enough to kill the differences that allow attraction to flow.
So the wrong model of connection is killing attraction in many marriages.
Another challenge a couple may face is they swap their attraction dynamic.
When I am assessing a couple’s energies I see their connection in masculine and feminine terms, I don’t see them as men and women.
So women can be masculine or feminine and men can be masculine or feminine. What creates attraction is when a couple is in opposite energies.
So if a couple meets and feels attraction in one energy and then swaps or changes that dynamic when they start living together this is a disaster at the attraction level.
Let’s look at one common model I see.
One of the biggest hidden problems that couples should see but don’t, is someone who is naturally feminine has shifted into a masculine state to survive.
I see many women who have felt the need to shift out of her feminine energy because she feels too vulnerable there.
If the feminine is where attraction happens for her she will struggle to see him as attractive whilst her energy is in this masculine place.
She may to him feel harder, controlling, unhappy. She can be all those things because this is not how she wants to feel in a committed relationship, she’s not happy but getting on with it.
Men will also suffer if this polarity has shifted. Some men will give up their masculine energy to protect the relationship, but part of him dies when he does this.
He may have concluded she is never happy so will do everything her way to please her.
By giving his masculine energy to her she will have no choice, but to step up and she will resent that.
Attraction dynamics is critical to learn because how can you keep it alive consciously if how it works only happens automatically and in the beginning?
Masculine and feminine energy must be free to flow and change.
In careers, many feminine women will need to become masculine at work to get the job done, some will get stuck here as her work persona becomes her success identity, her safe space.
There are many reasons couples shift, the key is understanding it so you can get back to where attraction can thrive.
What I notice in many of my female clients is their suffering comes from their inability to love their partner because they cannot connect to themselves when they are together.
A man can become weaker and less confident at home so he goes to where he can connect to himself and where he is strong and successful.
Much of the energy that keeps attraction alive is what happens outside of the bedroom, communication, playfulness, and connection are a few of the many energies that couples can use to keep the attraction always on.
The bigger picture of this challenge is couples need to be creating a safe platform where attraction can grow and that is the sticking point for so many.
So the goal is this: For couples who have struggled this means building a connection where security is the result of their connection rather than the focus.
Do this and now attraction has a chance.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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