Have you ever wondered why so many intimate couples across the globe are struggling to get through to each other?
Effective communication for so many couples can seem almost impossible but it’s, of course, critical for the health and longevity of the relationship.
Couples that can’t communicate can find they lose trust and respect for each other as they try to get their partner to see things their way or defend themselves from their partners attack on their character.
Some go round in circles, some have the same argument over and over, some bicker about everything and anything and some just give up.
If you were to speak to both parties they will be 100% convinced they are being clear and yet their partner can take their words and make them mean something totally different.
Some people are so flabbergasted by their partners’ behaviours they embark on a quest to help them become more like them because life would be easier that way. Be more like me is their solution and is usually a recipe for disaster.
In an intimate relationship, communication can be very tricky if you don’t understand the rules and the framework.
Note: It’s disaster to get couples communicating without knowledge of this critical framework because they will create more problems as they communicate with each other which can be used as proof they really are incompatible.
What’s confusing for everyone is in day-to-day life, communication is more straight forward. Men and women on the whole can communicate effectively yet the moment two people enter into an intimate relationship the world changes and so do the rules.
These rules are critical to learn if you are to have a life long passionate relationship and it’s what no body teaches.
You see intimate relationships are places of increased vulnerability and each person has to navigate their own battle between gaining the pleasure they want and avoiding the pain they don’t.
Couples who start to notice that communication is becoming difficult are totally unaware that they are both trying to achieve totally different objectives in their quest to get through to each other.
This is why so many couples struggle because when each person speaks the other person naturally hears something very different.
Here is a typical example: A wife can communicate she has a problem. Her husband can feel her problem is not a real problem and tells her so and now the problem is 100 times worse for her.
A man can listen to his wife complain about something and when he tries to fix what seems to be her problem she is now angry at him – he’s no idea why from his perspective all he did was try to help her.
The challenge couples face is neither party is understanding the core problem they are facing. They are both wrapped up in the surface problem they are in such as the kids or the money or the lack of care, kindness or effort.
The core problem sits in the loss of the core roles the couples used to become attracted to each other. These role must be translated into how they communicate with each other on every level.
Sadley couples are communicating in a way that helps them to become less attractive to each other and they are not seeing the problems they are causing themselves and each other.
- Some women tell me their husbands have no empathy and so they have lost connection.
- Some men tell me she’s controlling, aggressive, impossible to please.
No matter what communication pattern you are in unless that communication is creating an attraction dynamic in that moment the relationship is failing.
Tough conversations should end with more love, connection and security, most couples are doing the reverse.
Hearing what your partner is trying to say has to come from learning what they are trying achieve in that moment and men and women are usually trying to achieve very different things.
So many women are simply not feeling emotionally secure in their relationships and to men this makes no sense at all and yet this can sit at the core of much of her communication to him.
Men can give up on communication with a wife as he always seems to end up in hot water with an innocent comment that confusingly creates a volcano in her.
Communication is not about the words its about learning the core meanings behind the individuals words.
You simply can’t get a couple communicating about their problems until they have the skills to really understand how to hear each other.
Men have to learn one set of skills, women have to learn another. Only then can men and women effectively navigate day-to-day communication, deal with problems and successfully navigate any crisis so they remain passionately connected.
Please note: Naturally every couple is different and will have created their own communication patterns which needs to be understood before an effective solution can be created for them.