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Why Relationships Fail

July 29, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Why relationships fail? In my last post I shared with you the most important 3 things a relationship needs to survive. Click relationship help if you missed it.

Today we are going to look at why relationships fail and what you need to look out for.

If you and your partner are not having your needs met by each other, this is why you are having problems and this could lead to a failed relationship. Even if you stay together, you will never experience unconditional love and will live each in a passionless relationship. Is that what you want?

Understand the truth in your relationship
before it’s too late

Most people’s perceptions of “needs” is in what they want in their day-to-day lives from their partners.

For example: He leaves his clothes on the floor or she goes crazy for no reason, These are how most people view their needs not being met and so these areas become their problems. This is untrue because these are simply symptoms of your deeper issues, i’ll explain…

When you are fed-up in your relationships what happens is you both will start to connect with each other in ways that will create problems, because these are not the relationship building parts of you reacting, they are the parts of you that are designed to look out for things that may hurt you.

The real problems happen when you both become stuck in these problem seeking versions of yourself and all you start to see is problems and you attach those problems to your partner. The more you look the more you will find.

Understand both of your needs as fast as possible

The only way to change this problem seeking is to understand what needs are not being met and why.

This is where 99% of couples become stuck, because they do not know how to understand each others needs, mainly because they don’t really understand their own needs, so communicating them is impossible.

She might describe a need for him to help to keep the house tidy. This is not a core need because if he does not do this for her, she will create a far deeper meaning to his lack of attention.

His lack of attention is this area could mean to her that her words are not important to him and so he must find it easy to disrespect her. That could be an early danger sign that the relationship will fail.

If she believes this she will be ready to test his love for her… That could mean a major fight.

If the true needs were understood then this and further damage to the relationship could be avoided.

The real danger sits in couples believing their own meanings for words, behaviours and situations that are not true in their relationship.

So if your are feeling bad about your partner or your relationship then act fast and find out the truth today and understand you true needs.
If you would like help go to Relationship Coaching Services

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: couples, fears, needs, relationships, Why relationships fail

Critical Relationship Help For You

July 28, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

This has to be the most important relationship help and advice you will ever hear so please, please make sure you really understand this? No matter what relationship stage you are in, from dating to a long-term relationship.

If you don’t practice these three steps you will go through a lot pain together.

These are the KEY critical, but simple steps.

1. Understand in the context of a relationship your needs and wants in detail. Get clear on your relationship fears and what sort of person you need to be to attract the person you desire most (connecting with the real you is critical no matter if you are single or in a relationship).

2. Understand the needs, wants, and fears of your partner.

3. Without judgement help your partner through their fears and become addicted to understanding and meeting their needs every day.

If you both do this then the relationship you have always wanted can be yours.

So if it’s this simple why do so many people have problems?

The answer to this is simple also.

1. Most people do not understand their needs and how they work. So if you don’t understand your needs then how can you expect your partner to know them and meet them for you. If you have relationship problems it’s because the needs within the relationship are not being met.

2. People do not want to focus on their fears and so they hide them away until they come out and spoil the relationship. If you value “honestly” then get clear on your fears because with the right focus they can be removed or managed, no matter what has happened in your past.

3. When two people live their lives with fears running in the background and this applies to most couples, both people in the relationship will never be free to be who they really are. They then live together in distorted versions of themselves. This is what causes your fighting. The more problems you get with each other the more problems you’ll start to find. This makes unconditional love impossible.

4. The chance of meeting your partners needs whilst in a fear state is ZERO and so to stay safe, and stay in the relationship you may start to trade for things, love and affection. You both then end up two people taking from each other because you have to.

  • Successful unconditional relationship are different, because the couple spend their lives giving what their partner wants most, and so they never have the need to take. This is what makes the difference!

Understanding this is the reason why Relationship Coaching with Stephen Hedger is so powerful.

You will be guided step-by-step to understand your critical needs and if they are set up for pain or pleasure. You will understand that your fears were designed to protect you, but are now out dated, but they are still running, harming your relationship and your future.

  • Don’t live in fear, because you will regret that decision.

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching, Relationship Help Tagged With: coaching, needs, relationship help, wants

What Do Women Really Want?

July 26, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Confused men sit shaking their heads with a question they never seem to get the answer to “What do women really want?”.

For example: He can do the same thing two days running and get totally different reactions from her? A mans logic will never understand this, so lets look inside her mind to understand what’s happening.

Socks on the floor again -  Clearly he doesn’t care about me!

Women are brilliant at turning things or situations into meanings. Women are constantly looking for the meanings behind what their men are doing, or not doing, and there is a lot of things he might not be doing.

She wants to keep checking that everything is OK, that she’s safe, and secure as she paints an picture of a future he’d better not spoil.

Men rarely feel unsafe, but women can feel unsafe many times a day.  When she feels unsafe she has to get tough and strong, but don’t be fooled, this is her mask, inside every woman is the real her screaming to get out.

But unless she meets a man who can help her feel safe, she will stay tough to survive.

Where she really wants to be

In a woman’s heart is the core of who she is, all that’s great about her sits in here. This is where she feels safe and where she can trust her decisions. When she connects with her heart, her true self, she becomes who she wants to be, free, relaxed, peaceful, secure and totally happy free from fear.

If her man can help her unlock the pathway to her heart and help her connect with that part of herself everyday then he will become the man she has dreamed of.

BUT…

The challenge is this, women live most of their lives in their head. It’s very busy and very noisy. Lots to do and worry about. There may even be a few voices shouting abuse in there “… you’re not good enough” or  “…you’re too fat for those jeans”. Combine this with chemical reactions each month that men have no clue about and yes …men have a challenge!

Also you have to combat the other women who she connects with. They feed her with more worry because a group of women will connect through their problems and fears and this raises her awareness of her problems as she connects with others who are also lost.

She will love the connection with her friends as now she’s not alone and feels important to them, but her problems are now bigger because 4 different opinions have confused her.

Her only stop left is her man relaxing after a hard day unaware of the potential storm heading his way.

What will happen and how can he help her connect with her true self?

Find out tomorrow…

Filed Under: Relationship Advice, Relationship Advice For Him Tagged With: fears, relationships, true self, What Do Women Really Want, women

How Our Minds Work – Your Focus

July 25, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Yesterday we started to understand perception and how we create the meanings for the world we live in and how those perceptions can craft your future. Click how our minds work if you missed part 1

Today I’m going to expand on this and talk about your focus and how that works with your perceptions to design your life and relationships.

All this happens without you knowing, so imagine how powerful this can be if you can choose your perceptions, and now your focus.

Suddenly they just start appearing

Have you ever bought something like a car and suddenly noticed lots of cars just like yours suddenly appear? Or if you were expecting a baby, then did the world suddenly look like it was full of pregnant women? Is this magic, or coincidence of course not?

If this or something similar has happened to you, then that’s your focus in action. The truth is the world did not change, what changed was your focus and until you had that focus you went through life deleting all information that was not important, such as that model of car or pregnant women.

I will say that again, if you deem information to not be important, you will delete it as if it never happened. In fact you will swear that it didn’t happen, even if it did.

You may even receive information you don’t totally understand and so you may have to distort it so it fits into your model of the world, so your version of events never actually happened, children are victim of this and it’s why what information you feed you children is critical.

Your mind is creating your world

Now you know that through your mind the world will present to you what you focus on, what do you want the world to give you?

If you are a negative person what will you delete? You will delete all that’s good in the world.

If you fear being in the wrong relationship what will you delete? You will delete all that’s good in your relationship, and go on a mission to discover everything that may hurt you. Even if you have the best relationship in the world you would find problems, because problems are always available.

The key is knowing what to focus on to give you what you really want.

Some may say they want more money and they have focused on this for years and they are still poor. What these people don’t realise is they actually focused without knowing on not having enough money and so they practised, not having enough money until they were successful at it.

If these people focused on creating careers that were inline with all they value emotionally, and they persistently worked on growing their value within those markets, they would then see results that would in turn provide them with the money they desire. The focus here is on growth and contribution not on a lack.

People in problem relationships will have practised focusing on a fear for their future. When they find the many problems their fears have created they will then focus on protection or security from their partner. This will help them focus on attaching all their bad feelings to their partners and then make them responsible for making them feel bad.

Change your focus and change your life

Why not create a focus for what you really want. This is the biggest challenges for coaches and their clients. Because what a client thinks they want, is never what they really want.

A coach knows the client wants emotions. The clients thinks the outside world is the route to those feelings, the coach knows the route to their true happiness is within themselves.

So what is going to be the focus of your life and what perceptions of the world are going to give you all you desire?

Something to think about…

Filed Under: How Our Minds Work, Relationship Advice Tagged With: How Your Mind Works, money, relationships, Your Focus

How Our Minds Work – Perception

July 24, 2010 By Stephen Hedger 1 Comment

In today’s post I am going to share some concepts about how our minds work so you can relate this back to how you experience the world, your life, relationships, and especially the one with yourself.

The goal is to gain a better understanding of how you really work. So if you want to gain control of your life experiences and your relationships please read this slowly.

The way you experience the world, your thoughts and feelings are your interpretation of the world, in your mind, based on your life experiences so far. Your mind is always looking for meanings to what happens within your world based on your own unique experiences, because it’s all you know.

Different experiences therefore create different perceptions.

These experiences of yours have created meanings to your world that are unique to you, and these experiences are designing your future. No one else has exactly the same experiences of life as you.

This means that the world and it’s meanings to you is purely a perception that sits within your mind, and so any beliefs that you have created on your journey through life are based on these perceptions, and are not actual facts. Many people have beliefs that they believe are facts, when they are not.

This is what makes you unique, there is no one else like you.

So if the world you live in is an interpretation created by you, then the meanings you give the world are clearly a perception too.

So if the world you live in a is a perception in your mind, and you are creating these perceptions without knowing then imagine how the world would feel it you could control your day-to-day experiences and their meanings, how would that change you and your future?

The truth is your perceptions can create vast differences in the life you live, and not understanding this puts either other people or the world in charge of your life’s direction.

  • If you believe you can’t have unconditional love then you will be right.
  • If you believe that your partner can’t be trusted then you will be right.
  • If you believe that your life is hopeless and you will never be successful, then you will be right.

If your focus is on all that’s wrong then you will create that perception and live that life. We are conditioned by society to look for the negative and so this comes easy for us to do and so we convince ourselves that we are in the wrong relationships, or our lives are hopeless and success only happens to others.

Know this: Successful people NEVER EVER think that way, and so they create the perception that everything is possible they totally believe in themselves and so they take massive actions and are relentless in their quest to get the lives they want.

So what perceptions have you created about your life? Maybe the reason you don’t have what you really want is down to you and your perception of yourself.

Maybe you don’t think you are enough…and that’s holding you back…!?

Filed Under: How Our Minds Work, Relationship Advice Tagged With: How Your Mind Works, money, relationships, Your Focus

The Relationship Rules

July 23, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you want a lasting passionate relationship, then discover the relationship rules. These are critical for you if you want your relationship to last.

It does not matter if you are dating or in a long-term relationship below are Four Rules that if you don’t follow you can expect pain.

Rule One

Make your partner the most important person in your life. If your partner does not feel significant to you then they will create a fear for their future with you without knowing. This will drive them get these feeling from other people or things such as hobbies or work.

Rule Two

Make your love for them unconditional. No matter what happens I will always love you. When you remove your fears only then will you achieve the unconditional love you desire most. You will find that couples who live with fears, usually have passionless lives as they fear letting go, passionless relationships are dangerous if the couple want to stay together.

Rule Three

Never be your partners judge. Firstly you are not qualified and secondly this means to your partner that you are wanting to control them, or prove that you are better or more important than them. This will result in your partner attaching bad feeling to you, too many of these and they will leave you.

Rule Four

Never assume that your partners intentions are designed to hurt you. If you make assumptions to the intentions of your partner then expect their trust in you go. They will learn that you are too ready look for ways to not trust them. This will result in them feeling bad attaching those feeling to you and what you fear most you will create.


When you bring negativity into a relationship of any kind then expect your partner to attach bad feelings to you. If they feel bad about themselves around you for long enough they will leave you.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice, Relationship Advice For Her, Relationship Advice For Him Tagged With: relationship, The Relationship Rules

Dealing with Fears & Trust

July 21, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

When dealing with fears and trust issues many people don’t believe they fear anything in their lives, but when you go deeper into what is guiding their lives you can easily discover many fears at play without them knowing.

We will all naturally move towards pleasure and away from pain, and we all do this without thinking. So if this happens automatically, what are you moving away from without knowing, and is this really the best decision for you?

Dealing with your fears

Not understand your fears can create lives you don’t want, so Relationship Coach Stephen Hedger looks at how fears in relationships can help you attract the wrong people, and live the wrong life, resulting in you feeling that something is always wrong or missing.

In relationships, fears play a big part in all our lives. We fear being hurt by giving ourselves totally to others.

This is why trust is such a foundation of our relationships. Most people view trust in connection to affairs, but trust is needed in every area of the relationship.

  • We want to trust our partners will look after us
  • We want to trust they will make us the most important part of their lives
  • We want to trust that their love is unconditional
  • We want our partners to want to make our lives special
  • We want our partners to help us grow as people
  • We want our partners to be always put us first

Side note: Most people would describe a list of what they don’t want in their lives, but be aware that we are all easily seduced towards all that’s wrong in our lives and this only serves to create more problems. To be successful you focus needs to be only on what you do want because this is what will drive you forward…

When we consistently receive all these things from our partners then we have proof that we can trust our partners to help us live the lives we always wanted.

When we don’t receive these things from those that say they love us, our trust gets dented and we start to fear a future with this person this will change our behaviours and move us away from them.

The problems with FEARS is this, unless a fear is proven 100% is usually only true in the mind of the individual.

Past experiences will create fear responses when similar situations present themselves. So you could create a fear to a situation with a partner that to you means they cannot be trusted.

When you consistently focus on your fears without knowing you are presenting to the world a distorted version of you. So if you are dating then you will attract people who are interested in this version of you. The real you would attract a totally different person.

In a long-term relationship your fears will create a barrier between you and your partner and so unconditional love will never be yours.

If you desire a free peaceful life, full of love, then understanding and removing your fears is a must.

  • Please note: To many removing their fears, also creates fears, because so far this distorted version of themselves has kept them safe. This is why so many people become stuck for so many years afraid to move forward or backwards no matter how hard they try.

Filed Under: Relationship Coaching Tagged With: dealing with fears, fears, love, relationships, trust

Dating Marriage Separation Divorce Services

July 19, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

I was just having a spring clean of the typical relationship services I offer here in the UK.

If you are experiencing relationship problems Stephen Hedger has Relationship Clinics in Harley Street London, Aylesbury and Haddenham Buckinghamshire.

For an appointment or more information
call now on 0845 519 4808

He offers help, support, and advice on a full range of simple to complex relationship problems. Below is a list of common relationship problems you may have and the solutions that will be focused on during your sessions.

Break-ups

The problem: Dealing with break-ups can be a stressful and traumatic time. You may want to accelerate removing the pain of your break-up, or want to understand why it happened, or maybe you just want your ex-back.

The solution: Whatever you have experienced, the focus will be on helping you rebuild your life step-by-step specifically designed for your happiness. The focus will be on personal growth, confidence, self-esteem, and self-discovery to ensure this does not happen again and you have totally confidence in your future decisions.

Finding Mr or Mrs RIGHT

The problem: Are you struggling to find the right relationship for you? Do you find that you keep meeting the wrong people, or you find that your relationships keep ending and you don’t understand why.

The solution: You will discover how to attract the people who are the best fit for you, combined with understanding why past relationships have failed. This is a journey of self discovery when you learn how to connect with the real you. When someone becomes fearful of anything in their lives then they attract a totally different person than if they were confident and secure. The problem is fearful people are not aware of their fears and so feel fears as a normal way to live.

Relationship Problems

The problem: When persistent problems hit relationships and nothing you do seems to work, getting professional help fast is critical. As each day passes it’s another day of you both attaching insecure feelings to each other and that rocks the foundations of your trust. Without trust there is no relationship.

The solution: You will learn how to understand your problems and deal with them in a positive way with guidance on how to manage future problems, and what it takes to build passionate lasting relationships.

Igniting stale relationships

The Problem: Without realising your relationship can shift from magical passion to humdrum. You may love your partner, but you long for the days of passion, excitement and adventure. When real lives hit relationships the excitement that they felt with each other can fade and so they look for many other ways to fulfil their needs. This could be with friends, family, children, hobbies, work and even affairs.

The solution: You will discover what caused your initial excitement with each other and the steps to getting it back. We can be excited about new partner without knowing why and so when the passion goes we struggle to get it back. Because everyone agrees that over time the passion goes you then assume it’s normal. The reality is you have listened to more people who also don’t know how to keep the passion alive and more importantly what you’re doing to kill it.

One foot out of the door

The Problem: One of you may be feeling that ending the relationship is the only option. In some situations that could the right decision, however, 99% of the reasons the couple want to split, is because they don’t feel good around their partner and they have made their partner responsible for their feelings which they created without knowing.

The solution: If this is the case then the relationship can be saved and grown into the one the couple planned to have. You will discover where your relationship really is, because you’re likely to be seeing it as worse than it is.

Divorce Support

The problem: Divorce can be one of the most traumatic events in a person’s life. Coping with the break-up of a family combined with anger, resentment, lawyers and their cold approach. This can be a daunting and worrying time for anyone as your life seems to be out of your control.

The solution: You will receive support with coping with the divorce itself, and the steps needed to re-building your new life. You will discover how to build confidence, strength and self-esteem into your relationship with yourself so you can trust your decisions and understand with clarity what in your world will give you happiness.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: Dating, Divorce, Marriage, Separation, Services

How To Know Who Is Right For You?

July 18, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

When I was considering this post I remember a young lady who came to me with this very problem. She told me that she really liked this man she was seeing, but she could not seem to get passed that fact he was from what she considered to be a lower social class.

He was also on a lower-income than she was used to, but she was torn because she said she had feeling of love for him, but was considering ending the relationship due to his financial potential.

This was an interesting dilemma, because she had the eyes and pressure of her family and social circle on her, combined with a confusion over her values for what created a successful relationship.

For her and her family money meant security and she knew she wanted security from the relationship. But what she missed was money would never buy her the security she really needed to have a successful relationship. What she needed was love, trust, adventure, passion, a common goal, someone who was committed to her happiness every day. Money couldn’t buy this ever, all money could do was buy things. So she began to understand that a true love was far more valuable than any amount of money.

I had to help her understand how her current understanding of values were stopping her achieving the relationship she really wanted. For example any relationship can come under financial pressure no matter how wealthy you are.

So if a person always has to have security before they will allow themselves permission to love, then the love will always be conditional. A conditional love will always be one that lacks passion, freedom and honesty.

So if you have any doubts about what you need, or about your relationship discover if love is the top value in your relationship, because if it’s not then it needs to change before your relationship can be the one you really dreamed of.

For a relationship to be the right one for you, LOVE has to be the top value you both share.

What comes next is, how can that love grow and last, that question is very individual, but know this, if you don’t discover what you both need the relationship will die.

So feed your relationship the food it needs everyday, when you both commit to doing this, then you know you are in the right relationship.

Filed Under: Relationship Advice Tagged With: How To Know Who Is Right For You

How To Get The Man You Want & Keep Him

July 17, 2010 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

There is nothing worse than thinking you have found the man of your dreams only to lose him, and not really understand why.

Most women assume too early on that sleeping with her man is the route to his heart because she is giving him what he wants.

If you want him to respect you, then you have to respect you first. Make him see how valuable you are to him. He will never mind waiting if he really likes you, plus he will see excitement in the chase. When he knows that you only do “that” with really special people he will want to be that for you. As yet, he has not proved he’s special to you and therefore you can’t go their until you’re totally sure.

Only then is sleeping with him a good idea, he will then value the feelings of that moment and attached those valuable feelings to you, and this is what you want.

Respecting yourself is always the first step..

The secret to a successful relationships is this. When you help your partner feel great about themselves when they are with you, only then will they feel a magnetic attraction to spending more time with you.

Think about when you were last out with someone and enjoyed their company. On some level they helped you feel great about you, and you attached that great feeling to them.

The thing is this, it’s not the people we crave, it’s the feelings we create within ourselves that we get when we are around them.

So what makes a man feel great about himself. Everyone is individual, but for men there are some very simple things will make all the difference.

Example turn-on’s

  1. They want to please you, if they discover they can’t do this they will feel they failed themselves and you and so they will give-up.
  2. They will want to fix everything for you. I know that this could irritate you as you don’t want your problems fixing, but allow them to fix something.
  3. This is the biggest one, allow him, and give him confidence to be the man in your relationship. You know you want to be the woman so let go, it will work wonders for your relationship.

Example turn-off’s

  1. The biggest turn-off is when women question men’s ability to do things. Women will swear blind that they never do this and then they say, “can you open this for me?” or “Can you fix the gate?” The “can” questions his ability, so replace the “can” with “will” and notice the difference.
  2. Talking. Men don’t understand the way women communicate. Your conversations to men have virtually, no point and there is nothing for him to do or fix. So if you are going to talk to him, keep it short or it will drive him mad. Want proof go down a pub and see a group of men sat together quite happy in silence.
  3. Negativity yes men have this too, but it’s a terrible waste of good oxygen and you could be using all that energy in a far more positive way.
  4. Not trusting what a man says. Remember he is not a woman and so if he says something there is not 20 possible meanings behind his words, he says what he means and that’s it.

Start to practice what you have learnt here, and notice the difference these few changes make.

Filed Under: How to Find him & keep Him, Relationship Advice For Her Tagged With: get the man, keep him, successful relationship
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