Is Changing Him a Good Idea?

February 4, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Some women are asking their men to be more sensitive, to share their thoughts, emotions, worries and to become more vulnerable. They want this because they see this as the solution to their relationship problems.

The reason this desire for men to connect emotionally from women is because the women feel that their men are detached from their inner emotions. They know that their partners don’t understand them, because they struggle to be understood.

Women try so hard to be understood, but become frustrated when they know they are not. Not being understood from a female perspective can feel fearful and lonely. In this place her security that the relationship is going to be the way she wants, it is challenged.

Men at this point feel nagged, criticised, put down as she tries to get through to him… [Read more...]

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Love tip of the day: How does love happen?

February 2, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

If you want to feel love, then you have to give it! As soon as someone in a couple pulls love away the problems start.

You see, love only happens when we give it. Most people are under the illusion that people give us love. What actually happens is we translate their words or actions into a feeling. If we agree their action equals love to us, we then feel safe to give them a loving action back.

  • It is at the point we give love back is the point when our love is felt.

Your partner does not have magical powers to make you have a feeling, we create all our own feelings based on our reactions to others. We all know this is true because in past relationships we know we started to feel that something was wrong. So if our partners at that time tried to give us love, unless we agree it feels like love we wouldn’t give it back. The result was we didn’t feel love no matter how much they say they loved us. [Read more...]

Filed Under: LOVE Tagged With: ,

Life Lessons: Bullying & Controlling

February 1, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

This story I am about to share is an amazing example of where we learn our life lessons and how we automatically react to others when they give us pain. What do our instincts tell us to do and what actually works.

My son had a significant life challenge, he had suddenly become the target of school bullies at 12 years old. Physically smaller than many of the other boys he felt vulnerable and powerless to do anything. This was terrifying time for him!

I knew for him he was about to learn an important lesson…

The school has a policy that all bullying has to be reported. So following these rules he reported them. The school instantly punished the bullies and called my wife and I to explain their plan.

The challenge now is that as the bullies were punished my son became more of a target. [Read more...]

Filed Under: Life Lessons Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

What do You do When the Passion Dies? Because it will…

January 28, 2012 By Stephen Hedger 2 Comments

Actual coaching session:-

She loved him deeply and he said he loved her, but deep down she was not convinced he did really love her. These feelings were powerful in her and so her relationship with him was driven by this fear in her that she might never be loved by him, he was unaware she felt this way.

This had affected their sex life for years and whilst she knew by blocking their intimacy she was hurting him and the relationship she felt paralyzed too scared to let him near her. The longer it went on the worst it got.

Initially he was upset by this loss of sexual connection, but over time he grew to accept this is the way they were. His love for her was so great he was prepared to give up that part of his life so they could stay together. She was unaware of this intention within him.

What was interesting was now he had resigned himself to a passionless relationship to please her, she was now even more convinced that his lack of desire for her was proof he didn’t care, even though if he did attempt intimacy she would reject him.

He started to believe she was impossible to please and so the arguments escalated out of control until they both couldn’t see how they could have a future together.

With young children this was painful, so whichever way they turned they were met by pain.

With divorce looming they came to see me.

With any couple building trust has to be the first step in creating the foundations for growth. Over a couple of weeks they started to experience a change as they focused on how to build trust through meeting each others core needs.

Very quickly they could see there was now hope for the future.

They were so excited the arguments stopped and they could see a happier family start to emerge.

BUT… there was still a problem…

…whilst they were getting on great she still had fears of him coming near her sexually. He was so used to sex not being present he was fearful of being rejected so they feared the trust would fade if they stayed in this place.

So they came back to learn more…

This time the goal was to discover how to reignite their passion for each other sexually.

I knew that the block in her that stopped her wanting sex with him was through her fear of not believing he loved her, although as yet she had not told him.

Any woman who believed her man doesn’t love her would struggle to connect with herself in the way she needed to. This made her feel unsafe and that combination is highly likely to block her desire to a sexually connection with him.

So I had to help her firstly, build confidence in herself so she could feel safe to give love to him. As she started to understand what she had been doing historically i.e. she was meeting her neededs in low level ways so she could stay safe, she discovered that by withholding love this way she was actually in more danger.

This realisation in her created a desire in her to make changes…

To help clients I name parts of the room “PAST” “NOW” “FUTURE” and get them to stand in those places so they can experience what their lives might be like if their behaviours were different. This is a powerful process and shifts people perceptions very quickly.

She stood at one end of the room that I had called the past. Her “PAST”! We started to explore what life would be like is she continued to withhold love and itimacy and what it would do to her and her family.

She started to cried as she connected to all the pain these behaviours would create. I needed her to feel the pain her destructive behaviours would create so she felt motivated to change to the life she really wanted.

I asked her to imagine what her future would be like if she lived true to who she is, a loving caring wife and mother full of passion for all she wants.

As she visualised what her future could look like she smiled and nodded that this is what she wanted.

I asked her to walk toward this future (different part of the room) and step into her shoes in the future and imagine what it might feel like…

As she stepped into the future she instantly smiled quickly follow by terror! She looked to me for help tears rolling down her face, “I can’t do this! I can’t do this she cried!”…

I took her back to the past (the back of the room) where she felt safe again, visibly she relaxed.

I asked her what had happened… shaking her head she said she didn’t know!

She had now composed herself and so I asked her to step into her future again, she said “I can’t” tears rolling again.

I said, “what will happen if you stay stuck living here in your past?” She looked panicked she could now see she was not safe here either. I reinforced the pain in staying stuck in her past destruction…

Wanting to move away from that pain she tried to walk forward to the future, but she recoiled crying and in frustration she shouted through her tears…

“…in the future he doesn’t love me!”

This was the first time he had heard those words, he looked shocked and confused…

At this point I sent him into her fast!

I instructed him to saturate her with a combination of short masculine commitments of love, and he was to keep going until he broke through.

Crying she pulled away from him, You don’t love me, You don’t love me she kept repeating I asked him to follow her… “You love her, what does a real man do to help his wife in pain” I shouted…

Every time he committed his love to her, she contradicted him and pulled away.

What was happening was she knew she only had one place left where she could feel safe that was that future version of her, but she couldn’t feel safe unless she knew he really loved her.

Eventually, through his persistence of loving her no matter what she threw at him, he broke though her pain!

At that moment they threw their arms around each other both sobbing not wanting to letting go of each other.

Eyes full of tears they both looked at me and smiled.

This is a very powerfully emotional moment for all three of us, all of us with tears in our eyes.

In that moment he became the man for her again and she connected with who she was designed to be, a loving passionate woman, safe to be vulnerable with him again.

Very quickly their intimacy returned.

Every situation is different, but if the polarity is wrong in a relationship the relationship will suffer.

You see the man has to be a man and the woman has to be safe to be a woman connected to the feminine in her for intimacy to stay in a relationship for life.

This is a very different connection from the connection we have when we first meet when the passion is high automatically. This connection is far deeper and will deepen their bond as long as they keep their masculine and feminine energy in the way that works for them.

  • If you have any questions please don’t hesitate to comment below or get in touch privately.
Filed Under: Passion Dies Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

We all Need to Be Loved…

January 26, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Not understanding this post can destroy perfectly good relationships and break up families, so it is important to understand. Also if you are dating, or looking for love this is critical, because this process, unchecked can help you attract people who like the fearful version of you and that’s a recipe for disaster.

  • So please read this a few times and share it with those you care for, you could just save their lives from pain too…

No matter how tough a person is, on some level being loved is important to all of us. Creating meaningful connections with others is a part of our make-up as humans. It’s a part of our Critical Needs list.

When working with couples, finding out their views and perspectives on Love in a relationship is an important part of helping them understand why and how any relationship can stop working when the Love stops.

Love is something people want, they want it so much they fear not getting it. So the process of giving it and not getting it back is a painful one for many. Those that really fear not getting it, even block the possibility of it, so stop looking for relationships.

Pain is something we don’t want, so most decide to not give love unless they feel safe to do so.

This means the person is on a rollercoaster of giving and withholding love in constant reaction to what their partner does, ironically their partner will be doing the same.

So at this point we know the individuals need love, but usually they won’t give it unless they get love first. People usual withhold because they don’t feel certain they will be loved back, or they don’t feel important to their partner on some level.

For them these are logical perspectives, some will withhold love to punish. In fact anyone’s not giving love because of what they are NOT getting is punishing their partner on some level.

What’s interesting is when questioned, no one has felt more love when their partner punishes them! Yet they carry on regardless.

My next question is how important is love to the couple. Individually they both usually agree that love is really important to them.

I then ask “ …is love important some of the time, or all of the time?” Most answer, all the time (the ones that answer some of the time are usually in significant fear and will be helped because values can’t work “some of the time” because they cause the person pain.)

So if love is important, and it’s important all the time and we know that the person will turn off their love if they don’t feel safe to give it. We now know what the person says and what the person does will be different, this creates an internal conflict that ignites fears.

This inability to trust ourselves further magnifies our fears, because if trust doesn’t feel present in the relationship combined with a lack of love the relationship dies, no matter where that lack of trust, or love is coming from.

You see if you withhold your love to keep you safe the relationship dies. So you are not safe if you stop givng love!

The laws of fears come in to action if you focus on a fear, the fear becomes ignited. So if you fear not being loved then the process of withholding your love changes your behaviours.

If you change how you behave, you present a different version of you to the relationship in other words you change into a fearful you. This fearful version of you is likely to cause problems and destroy the very thing you want to keep.

Of course when I say destroy the relationship this takes many forms, some break-up, some stay together, but in a passionless existence.

If the couple are doing the same i.e. withholding love, when they are not getting it, the relationship dies, bit-by-bit over time.

So you see you are far safer giving love than not…

What’s also interesting to learn here is that the way we feel Love is through the process of giving. When our partner creates words and behaviours and we translate those behaviours in to acts of love, we in return give them love.

It is at the point we give them love is when our love is felt. So the love is actually created by us, our partners don’t have magical powers to give us feelings, we create all our own feelings. So if the love is created by us and we want to feel love, GIVE LOVE today and every day. GIVE LOVE to those you love and watch how you feel as you do.

At this point many comment, how can I give love when my partner is being so horrible.

Firstly never change you and go to fear in reaction to others this harms you. If love is important to you, stay true to you and give love no matter what. It is far better that you remain loving even if you partner is not.

Then make sure you understand why they have reacting this way. It could be due to their fears that the relationship is dying, they could be trying to save the relationship too.

Take off the assumption that they are trying to hurt you, their pain could be a cry for help where if love was present they would feel safe again.

In summary withholding love doesn’t create love, it creates fear. Fear destroys relationships, futures and families.

If you would like to know more please get in touch, or maybe you have a comment to make if so please do below.

Remember please share this post with all those you care about.

One more point that is important, I have talked about internal conflict this is critical to avoid because long term exposure can cause, stress, depression, anxiety and many other physical problems.

Filed Under: What is love Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Can My Marriage Be Saved?

January 25, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

It is true that not all relationships can or should be saved. Some relationships are in real crisis and need special attention that’s designed to discover if they are really compatible.

The balance of goals is usually different for couples in place i.e. one person wants to save the relationship the other wants to leave. I like to take the pressure off this situation, by focusing on helping them to achieve something good for themselves.

The goal initially becomes a focus on a future of happiness for the individuals regardless of the outcome. The possibility of happiness brings a breath of fresh air to the couple and takes pressure off the person who wants to leave the relationship.

You see if the relationship has been going wrong for a while both people will have changed how they react to each other due to the accumulated fears of an uncertain history  together.

They will have tried to make it work, but with no relationship education they will only be trying what they know, and this will be limited. Now they feel they have proof the relationship is over.

In other words “fears” will be making decisions and they usually make bad ones.

So it becomes a real relief for the individuals to create a new goal to focus on creating confidence and happiness within themselves at a time when they are saturated with a focus on getting strong and moving away from pain of all that wrong in their lives.

The initial goal is to align the individuals to create behaviours within them that protect them rather than destroy them. A focus on fear or emotional pain on any level just ends up creating more pain.

So if the relationship is wrong it’s far better if both people in the couple can see that and agree there is more pleasure in them parting. This creates a far better relationship if they have children.

The reason behind this is so the couple can look at the relationship from a new resourceful perspective knowing that whatever happens they will be happy.

It’s far easier to correct a relationship if you feel happier in yourself than trying to fix it whilst focused on all your fears and internal pain.

The process of removing fears within the individuals gives the couple a new perspective that helps them get to a place where there are open to building trust with each other.

If the trust building process is successful then we can focus on the needs of the individuals and how they can support each other.

Helping each other meet critical needs is a critical step to help them rebuild the passion which would have gone many month/years back.

As the couple start to reconnect then we can discover the truth in the goals that might cause problems.

Usually what we discover is now the connection is focused on loving and contributing to each others happiness any goal which pulled them apart no longer seems so attractive.

So “Can My Marriage Be Saved?” the next step is up to you, walking away is easy, but don’t you want to know if you can really trust what you feel?

  • Has this struck a chord with you? If so please get in touch today
Filed Under: Save A Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Relationship Advice For Women

January 23, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

For many women in relationships getting through to their partner can feel like really hard work. They can’t believe he can be so ignorant to her needs and feelings. To her his lack of care can start to become proof of a lack of love….

Communication is usually a struggle and getting him to understand you can feel impossible. You may have talked when you first met, but today getting him to open up feels impossible…

The challenge for women is as soon as they feel they can’t communicate effectively with their partners they can feel lonely, isolated and very low. Some can feel disconnected with who they want to be and start to dislike who they are becoming. Depression is very possible in this place if this goes on for long enough.

To deal with her feelings in this place she has to get strong inside to cope with his lack of understanding of her emotional needs. This means for many she has to create a more masculine version of herself.

She does this to keep safe, she knows she can’t rely on him to meet her needs and keep her safe, so she takes on this masculine role of protector of herself.

She doesn’t want to be in this place for many reasons. The emotional protection she creates results in her no longer finding her partner sexually attractive. So she will block any desire for intimacy.

So as she pulls away from him to protect herself, he in response will be doing the same.

This can cause real problems for the couple.

He can start to feel that he cannot make her happy. Many men feel they cannot ever please their partners and when they try to fix her problems she become angrier. This stops him trying to fix her problems.

This cycle can get worse the more men feel they can’t win the more women pull away.

Can you relate to this situation? Do you feel out of control of your relationship?

If so get in touch now…

Important: Men and women speak a very different language and this will and does create confusion, it’s not that he doesn’t care it simply that he doesn’t understand how you feel because he is not female.

Soon as he knows what to do to become successful again he will want to grasp the opportunity with both hands.

  • If you are in this place PLEASE TAKE ACTION IT WILL NOT GO AWAY!
Filed Under: relationship advice for women Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Why is our Relationship Failing

January 22, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

This is important to know…

After years of working with couples some interesting behaviours emerge from the couples as certain understandings start to emerge for them.

When a couple are in crisis what happens is they turn up to sessions full of fear.

Some are fearful because their future has disappeared. Some are fearful because of what they have done. Some fear that there is something wrong with them and it will come out in the session.

What’s really interesting is how these fears start to fade as the sessions progress and they start to change their outlook and what they want.

You see the couple start to feel much happier as soon as they start to understand WHY!

Why are we in this mess?

  • Why did he/she have an affair?
  • Why did our sex life disappear?
  • Why do we argue so much yet we love each other?
  • Why do I become so possessive?
  • Why am I depressed?
  • Why is he so stressed?

Once the individuals understand WHY then they start to relax and feel better. What many people do is try to make their own thoughts fit what’s happened and it’s very easy to be wrong and make the wrong decision, hurting themselves and each other.

Even if they turned up to sessions passionately wanting the relationship to work and clearly discovering that not going to happen. As long as they know WHY they feel they can deal with anything.

What’s great about this new internal state of a calmer self is if the relationship can be saved it is far more likely with this new understanding.

The couple now know what’s happened and their part in the process of destruction. What’s great about this is the couple can clearly see what has to change and this time they are in control.

Understanding why and taking control has a huge impact on the individuals and the dynamics in the couple to move from destruction to growth.

This can happen fast, I have seen many couple shift really fast once they create this new understanding of…

…your relationship has failed because…

This is why I believe that relationship education is a critical component in the process of helping couples rebuild their relationships. Most couple through no fault of their own are in terrible trouble, and they don’t know WHY!

This brings heightened emotions and fears what’s important to know is it doesn’t have to be this way.

Filed Under: Couples coaching Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Are Arguments a Good or a Bad Sign?

January 20, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

Many couples come for help because she thought he didn’t care, she had stopped arguing because she wasn’t getting through. He knew she was unhappy, but now she had stopped shouting and she has been quiet for a while she must be feeling better…

This is a dangerous place for couples because if all is quiet, he thinks all is well… Of course it isn’t.

From time-to-time everyone expects to argue. After all we are all different, we see the world differently and we can misunderstand each other especially when tired, ill or lacking in resources. In most cases arguments are very normal part of all relationships…

Couples usually start to get concerned when the arguments tend to escalate and they start to feel that the relationship is more a about conflict than about fun, love and passion.

At this point they usually start to feel bad about themselves when they are with their partners and look for way to feel better.

Some will escape internally, some will escape to friends, hobbies, work some will try to please their partner to undo the argument.

Whatever route the person takes will be their usual method of dealing with fearful situations learnt years before.

The two problems that now come out of arguments are the perception of what they mean.

  1. Anger and frustration is a fear response. The person getting angry is fearful of what that situation means to them. Could be the loss of the relationship, rejection, worthlessness. Each of us has fears that will trigger our anger.
  2. The second misunderstanding is if someone is shouting at you they are reaching out to you, they are communicating to you because they are in pain they want your help to stop their pain.
  3. Arguments are also a sign of passion

I am always concerned of the couples that proudly tell me they don’t argue. I am concerned because the chances of their sex life being passionate and active are slim.

So in essence arguments are good for relationships, but they become destructive when they become prolonged as the couple reach out to each other, but get ignored.

What now happens is the couple stop arguing because there is no point. They know they won’t be heard.

This is the most dangerous place for any relationship, especially if the female is unhappy, but says nothing. This is because for the man quiet equals harmony and all is well.

If the man shuts down the woman know their is a problem, but when he shuts down the chances are he is convinced he can’t be successful and all his fears are triggered and attached to the relationship.

Some men become stuck in no mans land shut down not wanting to totally leave the relationship, but are too afraid to get it back.

So the goal is not to stop the arguments, because they are a sign of passion, but if you could redirect that passion back into the bedroom and into your lives together then you would both feel much better.

  • So seek help if the arguments are escalating and you don’t know what to do.
  • Seek help if you used to argue, you don’t now and the passion has died.
  • Seek help if you partner tells you the relationship is over because of the arguments. The chances are it’s a misunderstanding of meaning connected to caring and love.
Filed Under: Relatiosnhip arguments Tagged With:

Real Peoples Answers: Can You Spot The Problems?

January 18, 2012 By Stephen Hedger Leave a Comment

The following questions and answers point towards something important see if you can guess what it is…

  • Why won’t you give love to your partner? Because I don’t get it back!
  • Why are you dating? I want to find a man to help me with my children!
  • Why do you think you are in love with him? Because of all the things he does for me!
  • What drove you to have an affair? She gives so much and makes me feel important unlike my wife!
  • Why is a relationship important to you? I don’t want to be alone.

Did you spot the common thread with each person?

Each person was focused on themselves and what they are getting. When things go wrong their focus is likely to be focused on what they are not getting.

  • If you are focused on what a relationship can give you, the chance of it failing are dramatically increased.

  • If you are focus on what you can give to a relationship now we have a real chance of success on many levels.

You see ironically the more you give to your relationship the more you’ll get back. Of course you have to give what your partner really wants. No point giving what you think they want you could prove you don’t understand them.

In my experience if you give consistently through understanding you’ll get back 10 times what you put in.

So the model is simple, never give to get, give because you are a giving person!

The irony is the giving person always ends up with far more than the selfish one.

Filed Under: Relationship Education Tagged With: , , , ,
« Older Posts