I don’t know about you, but personally, I like to find ways to make life easier.
One of the simplest shifts I share with clients is to look at behaviour in binary terms: some behaviours grow your relationship, others erode it. It’s not about being perfect or keeping score, it’s about recognising which switches to turn off and which ones to turn on.
The challenge is this: in the heat of frustration, most people don’t know which behaviours are actually helping and which are hurting. And the one that sneaks in the most, the one that feels like protection, is blame.
Why Blame Feels Like Strength (But Isn’t)
Blame gives you an immediate hit of certainty.
It says:
- “It’s not my fault.”
- “I’m the one who’s been wronged.”
- “They’re the problem — not me.”
That position feels like power. You get the comfort of being right and the moral high of being the victim.
But here’s the paradox: the very thing that feels like strength is the thing that makes you powerless.
Because if your partner is the sole cause of your unhappiness, then only your partner can fix it. That means your happiness, your future, and the fate of your marriage are all in their hands — not yours.
Blame doesn’t just let you off the hook. It hands over your influence.
The Power in Ownership
At first, ownership feels unfair.
It whispers: “But why should I have to change when they’re the one messing up?”
Here’s why:
- Blame = waiting.
- Ownership = movement.
Blame leaves you stuck, circling the same arguments, hoping they’ll one day “wake up.”
Ownership, on the other hand, puts the steering wheel back in your hands. It’s not about taking all the fault. It’s about asking: “What can I do differently to shift this dynamic?”
That one question changes everything.
A Real Example
A wife came to me convinced her marriage was over. Her husband had shut down emotionally. She was lonely, frustrated, and felt invisible.
Her strategy was to push harder: complain, criticise, demand. But in her story, it was his problem. And as long as that was true, she was powerless, because only he could decide to open up.
Then we flipped the frame. Instead of waiting for him to change, she asked:
“What can I do to create the kind of safety that makes him want to open up?”
She softened. She approached with curiosity instead of criticism. She brought a different energy into the relationship.
And he responded. The more she shifted into ownership, the more he leaned in. Conversations opened up. Connection returned. The marriage began to feel alive again.
The Challenge for You
Next time you catch yourself blaming, pause and ask:
- If I keep blaming, who really controls my future?
Blame doesn’t just drain your power, it also signals something deeper: a lack of trust. When you blame your partner, what you’re really saying is, “I don’t trust you to care for me, so I must attack or defend myself.”
But in that same moment, you’re also handing them the keys to your future and if in the moment you don’t trust them why is that a good idea?
Because if you don’t trust them and they’re “the problem,” then your happiness is entirely dependent on whether they change or not. Blame might feel like self-protection, but in reality, it gives your partner all the control and leaves you waiting on them to decide your fate.
- What’s one action I could take today that puts the steering wheel back in my hands?
Because here’s the truth:
The biggest problem people bring to their marriage is they bring the worst version of themselves to the problem they face. I cannot see how by bringing the worst version of you to your marriage is the best version to solve the problem.
When you let go of blame and choose ownership, you step back into your power. And when you step into your power, you become the kind of partner your spouse wants to connect with again, not because you’ve forced them to change, but because you’ve changed the energy between you.
Being married is highly complex, by understanding and learning new skills it allows us to take back control. So when we stop the runaway train we can become someone one who can lead the marriage to safety.
Many people are unaware of the impact of their behaviours that seem normal and justified totally unaware of the havoc they are causing themselves.
Blame is one blind spot, so what else are we not aware of?
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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