At least once a week, someone will tell me “We have nothing in common!” They are usually looking to stack their reasons for why the relationship isn’t working.
When this happens I always hear this message the same way.
This person isn’t understanding what’s happening (so lost) whilst looking for reasons to feel bad and attach that to the relationship.
They don’t see it this way, but it’s what they are doing.
In my experience, most are actively looking for a way out because they don’t know how to feel good with their partner anymore.
So what does this message really mean? To me, all I hear is a limiting belief.
I’ll explain.
Let’s imagine I’m sat at home tapping my fingers, sitting and waiting for some fun to arrive.
To some, this will sound ridiculous, because it is, I would never choose this.
If want fun, I have to become the fun I want.
You see once a person understands the concept that we do our emotions to ourselves the world changes.
So the moment a person says they have nothing in common they are clearly actively choosing not to share in values that important to both people.
Some people have forgotten how, others simply don’t want to usually due to resentment stacking.
You see when my wife asks me to go shopping with her I can say “I’m not interested in shopping for women’s clothes” or I can find ways to enjoy the connection, fun, and playfulness whilst doing that task.
I can do unhappiness and misery to myself whilst “shopping” or I can play with my beautiful wife and enjoy her.
When my wife comes to events with me does she say “I don’t like motor racing” or does she enjoy connection, fun, passion, and playfulness?
People tend to have many things in common at this level but most have forgotten how.
It makes me smile when men say this to me because to get that woman I knew he would have done anything and gone anywhere to get her.
He found a way to feel good doing things he never normally would choose.
So if a person says I find that boring, it’s because that person is doing a boring energy to themselves in that context – to those that understand this, that choice makes no sense to them.
The most lost people I see are so externally referenced.
What I mean by this is they are using the outside world to feel good.
You can be a bored person looking for an event to make you happy or you can be a happy person enjoying an event, that’s a very different world one person is in control the other is not.
The problem with the externally referenced model is their feeling are reactive to what is happening around them.
In other words, they are constantly powerless and the outside world is all-powerful.
Internally referenced people are less reactive to the outside world, they chose their own emotions so are in the driving seat of what they feel.
They go to things because they want to, rather than because they need to.
These people are happy no matter what, the rest need the world to entertain them.
This is a big topic and my clients get to hear how to take back control of their life and their feelings.
This way they make better decisions and not ones they will regret.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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