This one hurts — because you’re trying so hard.
You’ve read the books.
Gone to therapy.
Said all the right things.
You’re doing everything you can to fix it.
But the more you try…
The further they pull away.
And no one tells you why.
Here’s the truth:
Fixing energy is fear energy.
It says:
- “I need you to stay so I can feel okay.”
- “I need to solve this now because I’m scared of losing you.”
- “Let me prove that I’ve changed — please believe me.”
You’re not fixing the marriage.
You’re trying to control the outcome.
And they can feel it.
The more you fix, the less they trust.
Because your fixing says:
“I’m changing so you don’t leave.”
Not:
“I’m changing because I’ve become someone I trust to lead.”
One creates pressure.
The other creates safety.
Ask yourself:
- Is my effort coming from panic… or power?
- Am I trying to prove something… or become someone?
- Do I need them to change so I can feel better…
…or am I becoming someone who brings better energy, regardless of what they choose?
Your partner doesn’t want to be managed.
They want to be met.
Not with performance.
Not with persuasion.
But with presence.
The Shift:
Stop trying to fix the marriage.
Start becoming the kind of person that a marriage could thrive with.
When you let go of the panic, the urgency, the convincing…
You create space.
Space for them to breathe.
To feel.
To reconnect on their terms.
Not because you forced it —
But because you became someone they feel safe and inspired to return to.
Fixing says, “Don’t leave me.”
Leading says, “Here’s who I’ve become — and I’m proud of that, no matter what.”
He had to become a better husband to stay a chance of wining her back