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Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Advisor | Harley Street London

Imagine this: I have two people who come to me with one core problem. They both agree they have emotional connection problems.

So if they agree this is a problem, why is it so difficult to solve?

This can be confusing for the couple because if the couple had disagreed on their problem of course they would struggle, but if the couple agrees what is really going on?

What equals emotional connection?

The first challenge which explains why their problem is so common is each person is going to need a different type of emotional connection and so the process of gaining it will be totally different from what their partner needs.

The couple won’t know this. They won’t know it’s different or why and so they are not searching for what they can do about it, they are just feeling it’s not there.

So the couple’s shared stress comes from a natural inability in each person to understand the other’s perspective and critical needs in this area.

Both people will feel that what they need and how they need emotional connection is normal, but I promise you it won’t be normal to their partner.

The truth is a couples differences are far greater than they both realise. I have very bright minds enter my sessions shocked at how much they are unaware of.

To be successfully emotionally connected with another person you must understand what they need and why they need it.

This is where it becomes tricky because a lot of people are unaware of what their own needs are in this area so they won’t communicate them effectively.

I have heard “if you loved me then you would know” but I usually expect to hear that type of message in the playground, so let’s leave it there.

Your partner doesn’t know what you need and it’s not their fault I’ll explain why

An emotional connection has many levels and each one has different drivers (which is why couples struggle) so if you are going to get this right it’s important to know where to look.

In simple terms, emotional connection means getting on the same page/alignment underpinned with love and care, but it also means you both understanding your differences so you can keep them alive as this affects whether attraction stays or goes.

5 steps to rebuilding an emotional connection

Each one of these 5 areas is an important step to maintaining a healthy relationship. Even if one area/step is missing it will knock the couple off-balance.

  1. One part of emotional connection is about alignment on critical areas of your life together life – This is the more practical stuff, kids, money, health, wealth, geography, in essence, the type of life you agree you both want.
  2. Next is about how someone needs their partner to care for them, and everyone is different. When a person’s core needs are not met they will feel uncared for and they can become emotionally detached.
  3. Another is about how they connect with words in a way that keeps connection and trust alive – Each person will have very different agendas when they speak and so instead of being understood the agendas won’t match and circular fights are now likely. Do you understand each other agendas for why you speak?
  4. It’s also critical that the emotional connection is creating more emotional security and more love especially when stress hits their relationship. – Most couples will have conflict and it creates less security and less love and connection and now stacked resentments are the result.
  5. Emotional connection is also a foundation for generating attraction. In this case, they need to be aligned on the differences that will keep their attraction alive. – Most couples are blind to this critical skill and so attraction dies and is replaced with self-protection.

Without an effective emotional connection, the couple will struggle to feel good about themselves when they are together.

Check in with yourself, how many of those five key areas are working for you?

Stephen Hedger
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