In today’s post, I’m going to share the biggest relationship problem that couples will experience and is a must to understand if a successful relationship is important to you.
The obvious problems people think of are struggles with:-
- Arguments
- Money
- Communication issues
- Loss of Intimacy
- Growing apart
- Affairs
I see all these as symptoms of the biggest problem couples will face.
The biggest problem will be at the root of all the above and can kill a couple’s attraction and ultimately their love for each other.
The biggest problem for most couples is their inability to correctly translate what the other person means when they are trying to communicate and what they both need to keep the attraction alive.
For example:
If a man uses the way he thinks to translate how a woman is reacting he will totally miss what she is trying to say and why.
I watch in sessions when his wife speaks the men totally miss what she is trying to say to him. This leads him to approach her in a way that not only frustrates her but disconnects her from him
Women are usually more intuitive when it comes to emotions but are also struggling to understand why their husbands are acting the way they are.
So imagine if for years each person is putting the wrong translation to their partners’ words and actions and this leads them to withdraw, resent or self-protect in some way.
The couple will eventually enter crisis due to practising this level of disconnected thinking.
I remember one gentleman translating his wife’s words and actions to me. His translation had led him to resentment and withdrawal and he was talking about exiting the marriage.
I asked him to look for other ways to translate her behaviours and he said: “what other way can there be?”
This thought process is a core problem, far too many people are only seeing the world through their own eyes and life experiences and this is really not enough to correctly translate and add value to their relationship.
When individuals assume the way they think is the way everyone thinks they will struggle to connect at a deeper level with others.
Couples that come to me for help are asked to bring an open mind to learn something totally new.
I remember a gentleman talking about the work we had done together. He was struggling with his marriage at the age of 71. He was a CEO of a large company now retired, but an active investor.
At 71 he was still full of energy, but confused by his lack of connection with his wife.
I spent time with him helping him to correctly translate her so he knew how to support her.
I remember him saying he had married his wife at the age of 24 and even though he knew his wife every well he realised after the work we had done he also didn’t know her at all and this was a shocking revelation.
He had spent his whole life with her translating her as if she was him.
She stayed with him, but she never got to the level of connection she wanted and she had eventually just given up.
Sadly this lack of connection did have an affect in the way she showed up in the marriage.
She assumed his work was more important than her and so she immersed herself in her family and he carried on being a good financial provider.
They had a good life but were never really connected because on both sides they didn’t know how to bridge the gap of individual experience and real understanding.
They discovered that the energy that created that deeper connection was rooted in a new understanding of what each person really needed.
This meant they both had to put their own individual translation of what was going on to one side so they had the space to learn their partners’ real experience and critical needs.
They discovered that men and women in an intimate relationship have a totally different reason for communicating, they never knew.
“No wonder we always went round in circles” he said
She discovered she didn’t know what she needed that would actually help her become more connected and sexually attracted to him.
She could see now, how would he know what she needed if she didn’t.
It’s very common for individuals to not know what they need. Some don’t know what they need, but unfairly expect their partner to know.
They discovered that to stay together they had hidden away critical parts of who they were to keep the peace and had lived together as CEO and Mum.
They lived well if they kept it calm but transactional, the energy of lovers had died many years ago but it didn’t need to be that way.
I see so many couples who have lived this way ending up in crisis when retirement or children leave home.
The correct translation of each other is critical and yet is not taught and is not a natural skill so it must be learnt.
So before a person decides their marriage doesn’t work ask you self why?
Are we really incompatible or have we without knowing totally misunderstood our partners cry for help.
Have I been protecting myself from an incorrect translation of my relationship.
The key is to get the answers to the question WHY!!!
- Why does my partner act this way?
- Why do we go round in circles?
- Why have we lost sexual connection?
The list goes on….