When relationship problems become complicated, couples need simple yet powerful strategies to help them out of their problems.
So when the couple interacts, the question is very simple.
Is each interaction making their connection better or worse?
It’s a binary position.
I say this because many people can see their approach isn’t working, but they keep repeating the same patterns anyway.
I have seen a couple in a session both tell me precisely what isn’t working, and they then play that exact pattern out as they disagree with each other right in front of me.
Repeating the same pattern knowing it isn’t working and not liking the result, isn’t this the definition of madness?
Of course, these people are not mad; what they lack is understanding.
In most cases, either they have run out of ideas, are waiting for the day the penny will drop, and their partner will see things their way, or assume their partner is the problem.
In essence, both people can think they are right, leading them to assume the other must be wrong.
What they are not seeing is their partner is not wrong at all, just different to them.
Over the years, I have met so many people who lack the critical insight into their partners’ world, so they never find the alignment and connection that will keep their passion for each other alive.
They judge their partners’ behaviour as wrong and then protect themselves from the meanings they attach to their partner, unaware those meanings are unfair and inaccurate.
Many wrongly assume their partners’ world is the same as theirs, but this couldn’t be further from the truth, and this lack of knowledge will kill their ability to reach their true potential.
People who keep failing to connect can, in the end, give up, so they stop looking for how to make it better and, through resentment, end up making it worse almost as a goal.
In essence, they stop caring.
In every case, each person’s world couldn’t be more different and not knowing this is a fundamental problem.
So with this fundamental lack of knowledge, how can each person make the situation better.
I know plenty of people trying to make things better, unaware that what they were doing was simply making the situation worse.
When two very different people look at their disconnect, they struggle because they don’t see the same problem or route to reconnection.
In essence, they both want to be happy, but their route to that point is very different, and most people are totally unaware.
They are both trying to achieve very different emotional positions.
This is why the couple cannot connect.
They simply do not understand how to fulfil the binary game of choosing to make their connection better.
They are both not seeing that it’s not their fault; neither person is naturally designed to understand the other.
I have seen so many couples resorting to trying to connect with what they both like or can agree on as a means to emotionally connect.
It’s like putting a sticky plaster on a broken leg.
They can use their love of their dog, improving the home, they connect on their love for kids who will leave, holidays can make them happier in the short term.
None of this will ever give them the emotional depth that really creates a connection that triggers attraction and passion.
IMPORTANT – There is good news for the binary game.
Understanding can be learnt, and the binary game for most couples can be created.
If a person can affect their partner to feel worse emotionally, they can also help them feel better. They just don’t know how yet!
One of my clients who learnt this process wanted to help you by sharing his experience.
His story was complex, significantly more challenging than most couples I see, so if that couple can use this knowledge to reconnect, then there is hope for many couples who feel hopeless.
Remember, nature has not designed us to understand each other, this takes a new level of understanding and thinking.
His words…
“After 30 years our relationship was becoming fractured.
The pressure of failed communication and failed understanding left us at crisis point.
My history and way of dealing with things exacerbated the situation.
Stephen has given us both techniques that have taken our marriage away from the brink.
I will remain eternally grateful.
He is a good man. Listen to him”.