Who knew there was a good and a very bad way to love someone?
The bad way to love someone has fear and a need to control others at the centre.
In fact, the bad way to manage love in a relationship is to make the love a person receives more important than the love they give.
In essence, the person makes themselves the most important part of the relationship, and in many cases, fear will be driving this need.
So, the journey of a typical destructive pattern unfolding starts with two people dating.
To attract each other, they consciously bring love and attention to this new person.
Their model is to bring love to this new partner.
In fact, they bring love, knowing they risk not getting it back.
They keep doing this until one person takes a risk and says they love their new partner.
At some point, their partner will also utter those words.
So now the model is, I bring love to you, and that feels good, and feeling that love back from their partner makes it even better.
This model tends to work well.
Their love starts to become toxic when instead of using love to create connection.
A fear-driven person will try to control the love by controlling their partner.
They are trying to protect themselves from being hurt, unaware their fear will become the goal.
In other words, if a person is fearful they will lose their partner, they can control what their partner does in a quest to keep them.
This is a terrible idea.
These people are unaware that the fastest way to lose someone is to control them or to demand they act a certain way.
Now, the person has stopped bringing love to their partner and demands their partner loves them by doing things their way.
The model has now changed. It’s now a “I will love you only if you love me”.
If you don’t love me the way I want, I will not bring you love and I will have to control you.
So, some people control passively; one example is they withdraw their love and practice stonewalling.
Some people control by using heightened emotions to get their partner to comply.
Some insist their partner does everything their way.
Some control through pleasing, which is a passive way to gain control, which also never works.
When the love is no longer free-will between consenting adults.
Their love is now a demand and is a guaranteed way to lose someone.
It’s the model that would never have given them a second date.
In fact, it’s a model that puts themselves at the centre.
Healthy relationships are not about “ME”; they are about giving love and never turning it off ever!
It’s about making a daily decision to love unconditionally.
If, through that practice, we get that love back occasionally, that’s even better.
A person who demands love will always lose it.
A person who gives love without conditions has a very powerful ability to compound natural reciprocity in their partner.
When we love someone without conditions, we set a platform that is safe for our partners to grow into themselves, thus reducing their fears.
They then attach feeling good to us, and now they want the best for us.
If a partner is controlled, they will now have to put themselves at the centre of their world, and that kills love and connection, and they can lose the desire to stay invested in the marriage.
One gentleman practised this new way of thinking. He had controlled his wife through fear of losing her.
Inevitably, she was making signs of wanting to leave him.
Years later, he told me of the moment his wife came to him asking him how she could be a better wife for him.
He couldn’t believe it.
The conundrum most people face is how to keep the love switched on when partners are seemingly badly behaved.
The answer to this question is critical to understand and life-changing – So if you would like my help to learn this and go deeper, get in touch today.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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