The majority of couples in crisis are trying to solve the wrong problem in their marriage, and it’s leading them into an unnecessary divorce. In today’s post, you will find three common examples.
I have found that clients are time-poor and need to know quickly if they have been trying to fix the wrong problem or if they are genuinely incompatible.
So, I moved the practice into a diagnose and prescribe model for their dynamic enabling accuracy and speed. Without a correct diagnosis, how do you know what action to take to be strategically efficient for the client?
For two decades, I’ve listened to 1000s of couples and individuals share their views on their problems.
Many are stuck and frustrated, going around in circles and beating their heads against the wall because, without knowing, they have been trying to solve the wrong problem(s).
If you spend any length of time constantly solving the wrong problem, you will soon encounter the incompatibility question.
Here are 3 examples of couples following the wrong diagnosis without knowing.
Case 1: Sexual connection problem
One couple came to me because they had been to a sex therapist, and now they were on the edge of divorce, so they wanted my opinion.
I told them it made sense that you felt that a sex problem needed you both to focus on your sex life.
BUT in your case, the poor sexual connection is the symptom and not the core problem.
Your emotional connection and emotional security are out of alignment, which will make the sexual connection very difficult to impossible because they are the foundation of trust.
So, if you have a poor connection outside of the bedroom, trying to connect sexually in the bedroom is too big of an emotional leap.
By putting pressure on connecting sexually and making it a focus, you were forcing discomfort on yourselves, which would result in conflict, rejection and defensiveness.
In the world of sexual connection, it only works well when all the pressure is off.
A mutually enjoyable sexual connection is the result of a healthy connection outside of the bedroom first.
So, with sexual problems, the first step is to put this right first, so both people feel connected and emotionally safe with each other before more vulnerable activities take place.
Case 2: “She’s far too emotional”
Another couple were stressed for years because he couldn’t understand her emotions and kept rejecting them.
She felt isolated and alone, resulting in more frequent outbursts from her.
He felt she was overly emotional and irrational; to him, her approach to life was inefficient.
He felt she would feel better in her life if she just calmed down and looked at life calmly and logically.
In essence, he was trying to make her more like him. Many couples practice this and always make matters worse.
He saw the solution to her upsets was to approach life the same as him he couldn’t see there was another way to do it.
Only being able to see his world was a core problem.
He was essentially saying that the way he saw the world and managed it was right, and she was wrong.
He was missing the fact that her behaviour was also logical, just a different logic from his.
This resulted in him trying to change her. He was solving the wrong problem.
What she needed was to become more of herself, not less of herself; she was upset that she couldn’t be herself when she was with him.
It wasn’t her that needed to change; it was him.
He needed to learn how to translate her emotions correctly so he could help her instead of being her judge, criticising her and making her wrong.
Of all the people filing for divorce, 70% are women because they cannot be their true selves in their marriage.
So this type of problem is significant and must have the correct diagnosis.
If she can only be her true self outside of her marriage, in the end, many have to leave for their own sanity.
Case 3: She thought he didn’t care!
So this lady was at the point of leaving her husband and came to me on her own.
She didn’t want to make a mistake, but she was suffering and couldn’t do this for much longer.
She told me the connection had died, and she was convinced he no longer cared about her, so she should leave.
She said that every time she tried to speak with her husband, he would shut her down and dismiss her, and now he is just not speaking.
She said he had a habit of asking her to get to the point, and she could understand what he meant.
Sometimes, she would start talking about a problem, and he would jump in and try to fix it.
She said she never got to speak, and if she did, he would shut her down, switch off or walk off, which made talking to him impossible.
So you’re focused on your communication and connection, or lack thereof, as the problem, leading you to feel he doesn’t care.
“Yes,” she said.
Your lack of communication is a problem, but it’s also a symptom of the real problem.
Your real problem is your expectations of him are off center.
You see, everything your husband does to you is how he approaches his own life and problems; this is the nature of this man.
It’s how he looks after himself, and it’s how he thinks he is protecting and looking after you.
“But I don’t feel looked after or cared for,” she said.
“I understand, but expectation number two is the next problem: You think he is a version of you and should operate the same way. He doesn’t.”
In fact, many men who come to my sessions are like this – to them, this is their normal, and their wives feel like you do.
These natural differences do cause so many problems as you’ll both make each other wrong instead of seeing the truth and being a team from there.
You see, when he tries to fix things for you, and you become upset, he is terribly confused and sees your reaction as his failure to make you happy, which can lead him to feel he is not enough for you.
She said, “OMG, I had no idea I’ve been so focused on myself.”
In these situations, many men won’t risk repeating this awful feeling and will stop talking to her to protect the marriage and himself.
When you met your husband, you had a duty to help him understand how to be successful with you, most women are unaware of this.
If you don’t help him, he will be left with his knowledge of what it’s like to be a girl, what she needs, and why. Can now see the problem?
“Yes, I can,” she said, vigorously nodding.
Your husband has no idea how your emotional world works or why it’s different from his, so he is doing his best based on no knowledge or help.
Your expectations of him are unfair on him and you because there is no way he would ever know, and his deepest, darkest pain is that he can’t make you happy.
Your expectations of him are leading you to the wrong meaning; him not talking doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or love you. He’s trying to protect you from more upset whilst he’s suffering with the reality of his own failure.
That he’s is not enough for you.
The question isn’t whether he knows and understands. The question is, does he want to?
So, if you want him to understand, help him, support him, and set him up for success, not failure. Learning how to teach a man how to be successful means, she would have to understand him well enough for it to work.
Remember, you are after a win-win relationship model.
Good men want to protect her and support her. He just doesn’t know how.
In fact, most men see the currency in a relationship as hard work and money.
He doesn’t know that isn’t the currency for her.
These three examples are the tip of the iceberg of misdiagnosis that I keep seeing. Until you can see the real problem, you will only be solving symptoms and that can be endless.