We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.
On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written about the male/ female psychological differences and his thoughts on some of the common relationship problems are spot on and I completely agree with. It was after that night (scrolling until sunrise) that I felt perhaps this is not the end of our relationship.
I persuaded my husband to join the free 30-minute consultation and paid for a 1-hour assessment. During the assessment, my husband was not bought in at all, and Stephen was honest with me about his take on where we were and what he sensed from the conversations.
Nevertheless, I signed up to Stephen’s 6-sessions mini-Breakthrough programme to learn more about his approach in navigating relationship, and to understanding more about myself, both of which would be useful regardless of whether my relationship would work out or not.
It was a fascinating journey. We assessed values/ feelings that are the most important to me, and my fixation on security (as a result of the current relationship turmoil). This formed the foundation of the following personalised sessions where we worked through some of the conflicts I had at home, techniques to navigate them, and unhelpful pattern that I needed to change – the last one is especially hard work!
Nobody (that I know) likes to change themselves, but it does take two to tango – in this case, tango-ing a conflict. This is not about giving in for the sake of “peace”, but of understanding that we do not aim to hurt each other by default, and whatever finger pointing happening is an (unhelpful) attempt to flag up distress about something.
Back in the day, my fight or flee reaction would come in regularly, and we would get nowhere, only with more resentment. This is where Stephen and his experience has made a massive difference. He shed lights on what were really going on in the examples I brought to the sessions, and helped me understand why another approach would be more appropriate.
In this process, I also found my mindset shifting. By dropping the assumption that: “my husband projecting a negative emotion toward me = he is attacking me”, and replacing it with: “he is in trouble, he needs help”, I’ve gradually brought more of peace and love (who I really am) into the situation.
What comes out of this is obviously different for everyone, and despite the best effort of a loving spouse, there would always be someone who does not think this is enough. In my case, there has been a positive shift in my husband, although slow and fluctuating at times. I realise the version of ourselves that we wanted to get away from were us in survival mode, built up to protect ourselves because we felt the other person does not care. By consciously treating my husband with kindness, respect, and love, I seem to be turning down his defence, allowing affection and appreciation to take place.
The last time we felt such peace and love, ironically, was probably at the beginning of our relationship. For me, what has made Stephen’s approach standing apart from the traditional relationship counselling/ therapy is his active involvement in evaluating and helping me to understand the psychological whirlwind behind each situation, and his focus on enabling natural reciprocate through empowering me with knowledge to be in the driving seat of the relationship.
It is important to understand this is not a one-off activity. There are still a lot for us to work through. Stephen has brought us out of crisis zone, but it is still up to each of us to be the change we want to happen.
The feedback from other clients was one of the key factors in my decision to seek his help. With how far I have gone in my journey, I wanted to share my experience with others who are in a similar situation, and could really benefit from Stephen’s experience, knowledge, and his compassion to his clients.
Some background information: we are an Asian/ European couple whose daily communication is in our second language. We tried traditional relationship counselling a few years back when we came across a similar crisis, but it did not feel right for us. We have been married for about 7 years, and have known each other for around 10 years. Both are mid-manager level professionals.