It’s a question no one wants to ask themselves.
Because it forces you to turn the mirror inward —
not to shame yourself…
But to see the truth that could set you free.
When relationships start to break down, most people focus on what their partner is doing wrong:
- “They’ve changed.”
- “They’re cold.”
- “They don’t communicate.”
But very few ask:
“Who have I become in this marriage —
And what is the emotional experience of being with me?”
That’s not about blame.
It’s about power.
Because when you understand the version of you your partner has been living with…
You start to understand why they pulled away.
You might be…
- showing up in survival mode — edgy, defensive, critical
- overly compliant — disconnected from your own truth
- emotionally overwhelming — chasing reassurance instead of connection
- flatlined — present in body but not in heart
All with the best intentions.
All because you’re hurting, scared, or trying to keep the peace.
But intention doesn’t change impact.
And your impact may have created a version of you that no longer feels like home.
Here’s the shift:
You can be a good person with good intentions…
and still create an emotional experience that your partner no longer wants to stay close to.
That doesn’t make you broken.
It makes you human.
And it makes you capable of becoming someone new.
Ask yourself:
- “Do they feel more themselves when they’re with me — or less?”
- “Do I create safety — or pressure?”
- “Do I inspire connection — or obligation?”
- “Would I want to be married to the version of me I’ve been?”
This isn’t about guilt.
It’s about identity.
Because your partner isn’t just leaving you.
They’re leaving the emotional pattern you’ve both been stuck in.
Change that…
And you give them something new to feel drawn toward.
Stop asking, “Why aren’t they showing up?”
Start becoming someone they want to show up for.