Many people are suffering because an inner battle is raging within themselves and because of this battle life isn’t how it’s supposed to be.
I see this battle in most clients that enter my session. On some level, they will try to avoid certain feelings and craft their lives around avoiding those feelings.
Some battles are easy for us all to see in other people.
The challenge is when people become very good at hiding their inner battle from the world and even from themselves.
Many share the same types of battles, but for different reasons.
Some battles are given to them growing up from equally lost parents.
Some will battle with their own purpose or direction.
Some battle their beliefs, and their mind traps them in an unfulfilling life.
Some battle with how people see them, and this changes how they act.
Some have staggering potential, but their thinking keeps them down or stuck.
Others battle their fears; some are aware of these fears, many are not; the people most affected are the ones that refuse to look at what others can see or acknowledge them themselves.
Isn’t it interesting that unless pushed, the people who need the help the most are usually the ones that won’t seek it until they have to!
Many have learned to live with their battle, normalise its self-limiting existence, and then proclaim, “this is me, or this is who I am”.
Others have detached or self-numbed the result of this overwhelming battle to stop their suffering, but their detachment blocks their ability to become vulnerable enough to create a healthy connection with others.
Many form an identity based on avoiding their fears, unaware this will only create a smaller life, and they become far less than their true potential.
Over the years, I have met everyone from industry leaders to doctors from psychologists to CEO’s and each person has had their own unique battle no matter how they present themselves to the world.
So if everyone has their own battle, imagine the chaos of these already battling minds trying to create long-term loving connections together.
The chances of each person triggering the others’ fear system are really high, enabling resentment stacking in each person.
The people most disconnected from their own emotional systems are being triggered but will deny they have fears they are trying to avoid they will simply blame their partner for making them feel bad.
Loving someone through the natural ups and downs for many ends up being a risky proposition as it can take them closer to the very fears they are desperately trying to avoid.
This vulnerability escalates the need to protect themselves from their partner.
When most people are using their unique patterns to self-protect themselves, they are not seeing this will only lead them to need more protection as their process is killing the possibility of gaining the love so many crave.
The worst affected will deny love is essential to them.
So not only now have their own internal battle to manage; they are now in a battle with another person who also has their own internal battle too.
The problem is that both people will be blind to this and will end up blaming the other for how they feel as their individual fears become triggered.
This is why so many people who are painfully overwhelmed by these two battles at the same time will look for anything that will quiet the battle.
The driving force, in the end, becomes a need for FREEDOM!
Many who get to the edge will ask for space, but the space they are after won’t ever solve the real problem.
They want freedom from the battles and to them, the easiest battle to remove is the battle they have with their partner.
In my experience, this in the end is the choice that will give them the hardest life because the real problem has still not been uncovered.
Divorce regret is significant and this is because the battle with themselves is not understood as a significant part of why their relationship isn’t working.
You see, it’s far easier and less risky to judge and blame others when things go wrong.
Those who do not understand this flawed thinking will now bring their own battle into a new relationship.
Those that choose to stay alone will have to live with their own battle whilst denying themselves a connection to their own critical needs, the need for love and connection.
So people can blame others, hide in a bottle, distract themselves with fitness, other addictions or work, but their battle will follow them until they’ve had enough or they run out of time to claim the life they always should have had.
Understanding this battle is why my starting point with individuals or couples is always to help them with their relationship with themselves first.
A person with an active fear system is not going to be in the right emotional space to see what’s really happening and what they can do to make a difference.
Couples that stay passionate for life do not live with the fears that drive other couples apart.
So there is a lot to know and understand as with anything that’s valuable in life.
In the end, if the inner battle stops a person from seeing their problems in solvable terms, then the first battle to overcome is with the person and not their relationship.
I must stress the way to help this person is only to help them see their vulnerability as a strength or they will continue a need to self protect.
Many people have sought help on their own only to heighten their need for self-protection which kills the connection.
When a person has an inner battle, the starting point is to bring them kindness, but kindness is not something either wants to bring when two inner battles meet so they must learn how.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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