When a persons’ marriage is NOT turning out to be the way they hoped, they are going to start stacking resentments towards their partner. This has the ability to have a powerfully destructive effect on this couple’s marriage.
In today post I’m going to talk about a powerfully hidden force that so many couples don’t notice until it’s too late.
The key is to catch this as early as possible.
When a person stacks resentment towards their partner they have the ability to start the process of creating negative attachments.
These resentments will move them towards creating an automatic filter that eventually converts most things in the relationship into a negative experience.
Of course, the good in the relationship will still be there and possible, but the person filling up with resentment will not see them because their search will be focused on only looking for what’s wrong.
The problem with this practice is what’s wrong will be easy to find and this will form the proof they need that the relationship is either wrong or emotionally unsafe.
When this negative focus starts their husband or wife can start to feel that nothing they do works or is ever good enough for them.
This results in one or both people protecting themselves from each other, this is not a good place for the couple to be and should be seen as a sign a change is needed.
The reactive change that most people adopt is they work so hard in searching for what’s wrong they end up only see one choice and that’s to disconnect from the marriage.
In reality, there are many choices and perspectives but without seeing them shutting down the relationship is where far too many couples go.
The need to protect ourselves from our partners is typical in couples that come to see me for specialist crisis help.
Loss of passion the first casuality
You see, with resentments high, couples are focused on protecting themselves from each other and this creates the natural first causality – their passion and attraction for each other.
Passion is the life-force needed to keep the relationship alive. Passion is one of the foundations for ensuring the relationship lasts.
Couples that successfully stay together are passionate about their life together. They are passionate about being together and are both excited about where they are going.
These couples have a purpose and are a team their and so their relationship magnifies the emotions they both need.
Individuals that have stacked their resentments are magnifying everything that they would rather avoid.
Resentments eventually stop individuals from seeing their future together and so they can’t wait to spend time away from their relationship as their needs will start to be met elsewhere.
Freedom will be the core need if resentment is practised
My message to all couples is this: When your relationship enters this destructive emotional space of resentments the faster you take action to get help the easier it is to sort it out.
You see there is a window of opportunity to deal with this problem. The window opens when someone starts their resentment stacking and it closes when someone has had enough and makes a decision.
If your partner is struggling in the relationship and they have asked for help don’t ignore them, they may be in more pain than you realise.
When someone makes a decision to get out of their marriage getting them back in is a massive job. It’s massive because it’s usually taken them years of pain to get to this point.
Asking them to experience that pain again is not going to motivate them towards fixing the marriage.
This means even couples that could have saved their marriage don’t because the process will be too much for them.
The trend I see is the average time scale to detach emotionally is about 2 years from when someone feels wrong in their marriage.
Many people make the mistake of hoping things will just get better.
IMPORTANT: Relationship problems do not fix themselves!!!!
My message is simple: You have to know why it went wrong to make it right. So doing nothing, or doing the wrong thing is like playing the lottery with the future of your relationship.
Far too many marriages fail for all the wrong reasons and this is because too many people are simply not aware of what’s really happened to get them to such a destructive place.
Education is the key
It’s too easy to blame the relationship. My clients very often discover what they thought was the problem turns out to be very different.
In many cases a resentment is formed through a lack of understanding of each others perspective and world.
In some resentment is formed due to their inability to be able to influence their partner.
In others resentment is formed due to a constant lack of trust.
What all this situations is missing is the question “Why?”
“Why does my partner always lie?”
“Why doesn’t my partner seem to care?”
“Why is everything more important than me?”
Unless the answer to this question of WHY is accurate their reactive behaviours will always create a bigger problem because it’s based on relationship killing behaviours.
- Mind-reading
- Defensiveness
- Assumptions
- Negative judgments
Bring these to the table and the resentment cycle will accelerate. Learning is the key to couples problems.
Learning how to listen and translate your partners world is critical because without this skill you’ll never understand their true intent.