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Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

What do you do when a relationship has felt happy for years and then suddenly a negative change for no reason starts to take hold.

What do you do when what used to work no longer works and now one person is complaining the relationship is no longer working for them?

Many people can experience this very problem because the needs that used to work to make them happy has changed and no one knows that’s the problem, or what to do about it.

Look at this example: Let say a woman started a relationship and that woman craved security as a young woman and she saw that security in his confidence and his business abilities.

As the years passed and her maturity developed her need for him to provide security this way changed as she doesn’t need him that way anymore.

She now knows she can rely on herself for the security she needs and now she has very different needs, she doesn’t know what that need is so she can’t communicate how he can help her.

All she knows is she is unhappy and so she communicates that.

In contrast, he hasn’t changed at all and he’s now frustrated and confused because what used to work is no longer working.

He loves his wife but feels hopeless as she now brings a complaining energy to him and so his resentment also starts to grow at the situation.

He did nothing wrong and now he’s the reason she is upset? What on earth happened to us?

This problem happens to so many couples as age, maturity, confidence, change of situation shifting priorities all have a bearing on a persons changing needs.

This is why it’s so important to understand the needs that drive the person and help them experience those needs especially as life inevitably changes.

In many cases the person isn’t changing, the person is actually changing back to who they really are.

A person in their 20s is going to be seeking very different needs than a person in their 60s so it’s important to grow together with this understanding.

So is it possible a person can start a relationship with the wrong way to meet their needs and not be aware?

Yes of course, so it’s only a matter of time before their real need(s) comes to the surface as they now confidently wish to embrace all of who they are.

To be clear this won’t have been a plan of deception historically just a lack of connection to understand ones self.

Many factors affect someones needs changing.

  • New mums will have a natural shift in their needs.
  • People who retire early or have sold a company
  • When kids leave home
  • Death of a parent

All these are the obvious life events that can change us, but it’s the hidden ones that can be the most destructive as there doesn’t seem to be any logic attached to it.

It’s why my advice to any couple is unless you know specifically each others route to attraction, passion, needs, values works it may be a good idea to find out.

To be clear the biggest pain a person can experience in a marriage is their inability to be themselves and so if there is a critical energy that you can help your partner with it’s important to know what it is.

Is it complex no! The problem couples face is it’s not common knowledge.

Couples will always struggle to fix a problem they cannot see.

So please never ignore someones cry for help as their pain they are attaching to the relationship is real and it’s potently damaging to its ability to survive.

Stephen Hedger
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