Many women come to me with connection problems with their husbands. She tells me she has communication problems with him.
So I wanted to clarify some basics so she can set her expectations correctly.
The first thing is this; men won’t hear what she doesn’t say ever.
What I mean by this is men will do almost anything she asks them to do, but they won’t just know what she wants.
Many women want him to just know what she wants; without coaching, he won’t.
If she has no words, he will assume she is happy.
So a man can ask her if she is okay, and if she says nothing, he will instantly accept that, end the conversation and get on with his day.
So women will have to help him by spelling it out.
To compound the problem, what she does say, he only hears about a third and what he really understands is significantly less.
So his biggest communication problem is that he isn’t a woman and doesn’t communicate like a woman.
So I’m spending my time in sessions setting the expectations correctly on both sides.
I’m coaching men how to hear her, and I’m coaching women to set the expectations correctly and helping them to communicate so he understands them.
These differences happen at such a young age – look at this example.
I remember my wife asking the kids to clear the kitchen as we had an important call to attend.
As we were waiting for the meeting to start, we could hear noise in the kitchen but our son was upstairs.
We couldn’t understand why he had left his younger sister to do it on her own.
So we called him down.
“Why are you not helping your sister, as we asked?”
He said. “She said she didn’t need me!”
I started to smile inside as I knew what was coming.
So I turned to her smiling, “…is that true, did you tell him you didn’t need him?
“Well…, yes and no!” she replied.
“What do you mean yes and no?” I asked.
“I did tell him I didn’t need him, but I didn’t think he would go…”
“WOMEN!!!” shouted my son.
Men and women naturally DO NOT communicate the same; unfortunately, schools don’t teach this critical skill, and it causes a lot of problems in marriages.
Women can end up feeling he doesn’t care, and men can feel she is impossible.
So people have to find out this truth the hard way.
Ladies, please remember you have married a man! He is different, not wrong, just different.
She finds not being understood painful, but please remember, so does he.
If couples are to create a lasting passionate connection for life, they must both have a much greater understanding of each other.
Couples need to stop trying to get their perspective across and start learning how to help their partner rather than blame them.