Unhealthy Conflict problems? Marriages that last are the ones that experience adversity and come out the other side more connected.
If a couple can experience a painful disconnect or conflict and can end their communication with more security and more love they are the ones most likely to last.
Couples that see conflict as just another part of their life together will last.
Healthy conflict is about energy, passion, and truth. Couples that avoid conflict remove energy, passion, and truth so they remove that connection.
Dead sex lives due to unhealthy conflict
Every single couple that enters my sessions who tell me they don’t fight also have dead sex lives.
Most couples that have unhealthy conflict that’s destructive also end up with dead sex lives.
You see every relationship has problems so a problem is never far away.
Conflict is a part of a healthy relationship, there has to be passion, differences, energy, debate, differing views, it would be odd if they were clones nodding and agreeing.
People in love are allowed to disagree, but it’s how that disagreement manifests itself.
The problem is always happy relationships don’t build security because always happy relationships don’t exist.
Part of healthy conflict is the foundation of knowing that no matter what you are with someone you can emotionally rely on.
You must know that if the worst of us does come out I will still be loved?
Relationship stress tests each person’s resolve to experience emotional pain and still care about their relationship and their partners’ feelings.
Are you for giving?
It’s important that each person must be for-giving and for reinvesting and forgetting after problems strike.
How the couple deals with their problems is what will makes or breaks their connection.
Most couples will have conflict and die a little. The repetition of this model will over time stack resentments and erode trust.
This disables a desire to stay invested and that process kills their feelings.
People who have lost their feelings generally feel their relationship is over, sadly others will connect to those important feelings using someone new.
This is why learning how to hear what your partner is trying to say is so important learn.
Conflict traits that kill connection
Assumptions, mind-reading, blame, judgment, defensiveness are all destructive traits for any couple.
They must be removed.
Too many people are defending themselves in relationships where they are not being attacked, but attack is all they see.
Other couples are experiencing the “mirror dynamic”. That is when one person gets upset and the other person mirrors them.
This creates a dynamic where each person cannot experience their own emotions without their partner copying them.
Other couples will experience one person sharing their upset and the other responds with, “what about what you did to me”?
That is a pointless response and process.
The conflict model each couple is in must reconnect them to more love and more security as this is what makes conflict healthy.
Never threaten divorce
One of the golden rules is never threaten divorce or the end of the relationship.
The reason is once those words are said it sits in their mind as a never-ending threat and hampers their desire to reinvest 100%.
If you are a couple that practices unhealthy conflict then you must correct this as this is cancer for any relationship.