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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Demanding change always fails

In today’s post, I’m going to share why couples are struggling to solve their marriage problems either on their own or with professional help.

You will learn what doesn’t work and why and then I’ll share the only route to couples success.

So if you’re a couple struggling or you have been for help and it’s not worked this is for you.

I want to set the scene with a typical approach many people make when they need help.

They are unhappy with their partner and they want the professional to fix their partner for them. 

Notice their emphasis is on what their partner has to change the very thing they have no control over so their starting point is already making their life very hard.

Many people spend a lot of time demanding change, not seeing the very basic fact that this process of “demanding change” doesn’t work to create the change they want.

Of course it might be important for their partner to make changes, but the only way that change will happen is if they agree the change is either a good idea, or the change is their idea.

Below I’m going to show the approach most are taking and why it doesn’t work and then I’ll share the approach that I see working every day.

The wrong approach

Most people are full of stories about how awful their partner is and they want them to change, but the process of change they are trying to use is to blame their partner, criticise them or make them wrong.

Many people simply won’t let go of this need to blame and judge. These people simply will not get the life or relationship they want if this is their approach.

Most people know that if they themselves are blamed or criticised by their own partner it doesn’t usually create a positive effect, and certainly doesn’t motivate them to want to change for the better.

So if we all know it doesn’t motivate us to change if someone approaches us this way so why do they think it will work if they do it to their partner? 

Also if they do attend professional help many people want that professional help to take their side so they can prove to their partner how wrong or bad they have been, how likely is that to motivate change?

None of this works of course, change will never come from a place of someone needing to protecting themselves from blame or being judged.

All self protection creates is a greater need to protect.

Some have even tried brute force if you don’t change I’ll divorce you. 

Demanding change through force may work for a while, but I can almost guarantee they will slip back to their old ways as the change is forced, not agreed or understood.

In simple terms demanding change through criticism and blame is the worst way to get someone to see the upsetting challenges a person faces, all it will do is get their back up and make them dig their heels in deeper.

Here is what does work to create lasting change

I have been working with a couple recently who have been great clients to work with, he is well-known in most households in the UK and she is a housewife and mum.

They both understood the mindset that would give their marriage the best chance of success, they had a head start because they had seen the results for themselves with their own friends who came to see me 3 years ago.

My old clients saw their friends (these new clients) were in trouble and recommended they came to see me.

Before they came he told them my service was very different and so they were intrigued.

He told them he had tried other counselors and therapies, but he really liked the approach that rebuilding his marriage was really about “Individual Personal Development” for him and his wife.

It’s wasn’t about the past or childhood, it wasn’t about two people paying someone to watch them argue it was about empowerment and personal growth.

What this meant was the focus wasn’t on how awful they both were. 

The focus was on helping each person become a more valuable partner. 

He told them both what he had learnt from me.

He learnt how to become a highly valuable partner to his wife and how to translate what she was saying to him so he could align with what she was experiencing in her world – he said he had no idea what was going on for her before.

This helped him become a positive influencer for her and this created connection she could feel and this built confidence in him.

He shared he used to trigger her to become upset, now he triggers her to feel the emotions she wants and now she feels safer and more connected to him.

Now he knows how to embrace and deal with their problems rather than being confused, upset, and run away from them.

She hated when he used to run from any problems, she felt so alone and abandoned.

His newfound confidence brought out a different energy (spark) in their relationship and she, in turn, rediscovered herself, something she had lost over the years.

She was now free to bring her gifts to the table.

This process was about two people working on themselves to become more effective partners.

No one demanded a change, no one helped the other to feel awful they simply both took personal responsibility for themselves and the changes they wanted to make.

When someone complains they lose their power

People that try to change their partners’ behaviors by demanding or trying to prove how awful they are, will find that process never works, never has, and never will.

It won’t work because at best you’ll get is a submission with a side-order of resentment, or you’ll end up in an unhappy (lose-lose) compromise.

Plus waiting for a partner to change puts them in the driving seat and someone in charge whilst unhappy and not on your side is not going to take the relationship to a good place.

Regain the power by becoming a positive influencer is the only answer

Helping couples to become successful is about teaching them powerful skills to deal with the many situations life will throw at them.

Plus it’s not about changing them, it’s about helping them to become more effective individually.

Confident people that understand are going to be naturally happier people.

Their historical problems are simply a sign a change is needed and that change is about two people become more effective.

My clients are very smart people they understand that waiting for their partner to change is futile.

They know if they want a better life they know they must also become the change they are wanting to see.

My clients simply want to know what they can do to make a difference and if that’s you then maybe you too are my client.

This process works great for problems like.

  • Infidelity
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  • Loss of passion
  • Trust problems
  • Circular conflicts
  • Family issues
  • Getting your partner back
  • Helping couples through separation
  • Discovering if divorce is the right choice
  • and many personal problems such as depression, stress, anxiety.

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

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Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • Can’t live with you. Can’t live without you!
  • When a marriage breaks down – What do I do?
  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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