In today’s post, I’m going to uncover a significant block to solving marriage problems.
It’s so powerful that, if uncovered could transform your marriage.
The problem is many won’t like it – even though it works to give you the answers you will need!
It’s what many of my clients start to see as they work with me and what I discovered 20+ years ago.
In fact, it’s foundational to my relationship with my wife, Cloé.
There is only one group of people that do naturally see this problem, but they usually notice it far too late.
So I want to give you sight of the problem today to help you.
The focus of this post is on understanding high performance in the context of a marriage.
She said what?
I remember talking to a very well-dressed lady who walked into my office in Harley Street.
She told me straight – she is a demanding wife with high expectations of her husband.
So I said, “…then, you’d better be a high-performance wife who knows exactly how to add massive value to your husband.
If your expectations are set badly like this lady – she has expectations of the very thing she is out of control of, so she should expect problems.
Responsibility = The ability to respond
We all know that if we want to lose weight, it’s our responsibility. No one can lose that weight for us – we know this!
We all know that if we want our careers to do well, other people can’t do our job for us – we know this!
So life keeps teaching us that life success only comes from our individual desire and ability to be better.
So if we know this, why do so many blame their partner for the relationship going wrong?
Why do so many think the marriage is to blame for their unhappiness and then search for someone new or an affair?
What if their inability to be an effective partner is part of what’s causing the problem?
Why don’t people start there?
I have never had a person say to me my partner and I need help, so please teach me how to be a better spouse.
I have had many women say, “How do I get my husband to seek help with you?”
So I say, “Tell him you want to be a better partner for him.”
I then hear a deathly silence as they whisper, ” I can’t possibly say that..!”
And this is the problem, people want their partner to be better for them, and it’s why it goes wrong.
They are not ready to take responsibility to become better partners.
So if your partner is not happy or is not responding the way you would like, you might be the reason.
That means it’s highly likely your knowledge base is too limited.
The group that has no choice but to get this quickly
The group of people who get this concept very quickly are the ones who have lost their partner.
Or are about to, and they know it.
These people want to learn how to become super attractive high-performance partners so they win their partners back.
(To clarify, attractive in this context has nothing to do with looks and everything to do with their energy).
These people are ready to take full responsibility for themselves, their actions and their relationship.
This is the difference that makes the difference.
Taking responsibility is a far more powerful position than blaming, which most people do.
All blaming creates is a waiting game where we see if our partner will change/do it our way or not.
That’s a powerless out-of-control position to take, and the failure rate is going to be very high.
It’s more powerful to create change in our partners if we help them make their change their decision!
Yes, if their changes are their decision, their commitment to the change is highly likely to last.
- Who likes to be blamed, judged or criticised? No one!
- Who likes to be controlled? No one!
- Who likes to be shouted at or stonewalled – No one!
The behaviours we create when our relationship doesn’t make sense will turn us into people even we don’t like.
This is why a lot of relationship help fails so often; it’s because it aligns with the process that created the disconnect.
It focuses the people on themselves and their own needs.
So they see an agreed lack of care, and this sets an expectation of what their partner needs to do, so they are emotionally okay – That is a problem and the wrong focus!
This process creates needy, demanding partners that will only repel their partners.
After all, who needs/wants a partner like this – no one!
Plus, it’s depressing to be needy and not feel needed; not a good foundation for a stressed marriage.
When we set expectations for others to do better for us, the chances of lasting success are not high at all!
So our partners will end up feeling bad about themselves and attach that to us.
The simple fact is this:- what leads to lasting changes in any marriage is taking responsibility to change yourself first.
It’s about changing to become a highly effective partner first.
People have to find ways to change themselves to help their partner and bring out the best in their partner.
It’s about learning how to become a partner that’s impossible to leave.
This is the foundation for becoming a “Highly Effective Spouse!”
I’m currently teaching this process; it can be for each person to learn as a couple or for one person to take control back to see what’s possible.
It’s a powerful process…