To understand why expectations can kill relationships we are going to firstly look at the formula for being upset?
A person becomes upset when the world should be a certain way in their mind but their reality is different.
The gap between the expectation and the reality has the potential to create disappointment.
Ongoing disappointment creates resentments and ongoing resentment causes disconnection.
So many couples bring this problem of expectations into my sessions.
They want what they want but…
The problem is they not bringing to the table what will create what they want as a desire in their partners’ mind.
Having expectations changes the relationship dynamic into one that will struggle to work.
Expectations will handbrake a couples connection.
Having expectations turns the connection into meeting my needs on demand.
Expectations isn’t what started the relationship
What’s interesting is expectations and demands are not going to be how they initially attracted each other.
Whist dating they were helping their new partner to feel special, valued, desired, attractive, respected etc.
You wouldn’t have demands which must be met or I’ll be upset with you, because that energy would stop the dating process.
So when did the model change from adding all that value to here is what I expect of you.
Expectations are about demands and in many situations, those demands are not even communicated so their partner is blind to what is going on or expected.
It destroys connection
Meeting your needs through expectations brings an energy that does two destructive things.
- It puts the person at the center of their world (relationships are not about me).
- It doesn’t add value to the relationship it wants to take from it.
The pressure they create is their partner must perform in a certain way for them to be happy, it creates pressure and a perception of neediness.
Needy people are not attractive people.
Relationships that work are a place where the couple must be free.
Free energies such as love, laughter, passion, joy never happen whilst under pressure.
When someone adds value to their partner in the way they need it, natural reciprocity creates the energy and the reasons to give and support their partners’ needs.
Taking and demanding only builds resentment and this is why so many couples lose the energy of being lovers.
To be clear I’m not saying get rid of expectations.
What I’m saying is to shift the expectation energy to yourself to be of value so you get the best out of your partner by being the best of you.
Many people think they have been the best of themselves in their relationship, but they are missing some critical information if what they are doing is not working.
The skill is in triggering your partner to want to meet your needs.
Far too many people trigger the reverse energy and this is why the couple’s connection fails.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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