So you want to fix your marriage or a least discover what is possible.
So is the correct process to work out how we got here and what went wrong?
Do we need to understand what is stopping us getting to where we both want to be?
What would you choose? Would you talk about the events leading to a flat tyre or would you want to overcome the problem of blowing it up or replacing it?
To expand this if the couple sits in the thinking that created the problem then they will go round in circles as the old thinking can only keep them stuck.
If you change their thinking so they can now see how they can achieve the end result they are after then you’ll free their ability to reinvest and grow.
Anyone who walks forward whilst keeping a firm focus on what’s behind them will struggle, fall over or hurt themselves.
It’s not that the past isn’t important to understand, but why start in such a massive expanse of experience rooting around for what might help in the future?
Plus the past will not be rich in the new knowledge the couple will need to gain the life they both want.
So why not focus on the end results the couple is after and if there is a block then look at the specific moments in their history that created that block.
In many cases, the bad historic experiences are simply a result of ineffective thinking so correcting that skill empowers couples to protect the marriage and themselves.
That way the past can be left in the past where it should be, after all it no longer exists and all we can change is how we remember it?
So is the past being used as a weapon and a shield of protection, or is it a platform for learning and growing?
Most of my clients are not fans of sitting in the past raking up the past wrongs because all it creates is more bad feelings on top of an already destructive energy.
They want a growth model that will take them out of their personal hell into a place where they can both be successful again.
The other challenge is the process of change must fit both people and most men don’t solve problems this way.
So the process has to fit with both peoples learning and problem solving styles.
Put a man in a room to drag up the past, make him feel bad, give him no model of how he can fix the problem and move on from it, and you’ll watch him quickly glaze over and disengage.
At best you’ll get a submission, but not a willing pattern change.
The goal is to help him become excited to learn, in fact, if both people become curious and learn how to understand the emotional complexity they are in so it’s simple then two people will be much happier if their actions then have positive outcomes.
Both people need to be empowered not shamed, blamed or judged which is why that process will never enter my sessions.
The process of growth has to fit both people so they can both reinvest in the process of discovering what’s possible for them.