I want to share this today as it’s a common problem that isn’t commonly understood.
This problem is catastrophic for any marriage and will lead some couples to divorce for the wrong reason.
So what do you do when one person has fallen out of love with their partner, unaware they are the reason?
What happens when they discover they fell out of love with what they had created?
In other words, this gentleman had created behaviours in his wife that he didn’t like and then blamed her.
He had also killed the behaviours in her he wanted – without knowing.
This gentleman had discovered he was a far bigger part of the problem than he had ever imagined.
He had spent years blaming and being upset at her.
So he was visibly shocked when he was faced with the truth.
To share this truth with him, I had to understand their dynamic first.
He told me she was the problem; she was passionless, unloving, and controlling at times – so was he right?
To get to this truth, I interviewed his wife.
I noticed that his wife was naturally a feminine energy.
But she was playing a masculine role in their marriage, especially when he was around.
The problem was she felt she had to maintain this masculine energy in the marriage to cope.
To be clear, she didn’t think about it being masculine. It was just how she reacted when he was around.
From his perspective, she was passionless.
She was controlling, unhappy and looking for the negative in almost anything.
He was so unhappy with her and how they are together and was wondering how the marriage could ever work.
As I spoke to his wife, I noticed she desperately wanted the marriage to work.
She told me over the years; she had felt more and more alone.
She loved her husband and thought he was a good man, but she couldn’t be herself when she was with him.
“Why was that?” I asked.
She told me that he was highly critical of her on many levels and was prone to rage at her.
She told me she ended up living on eggshells with him.
She said it’s true she has lost connection with him and never felt passionate towards him.
Her mind was focused just on getting through each day.
I said to her it sounds like you are living in fear of a man you love.
I do love him, but I feel exhausted all the time, and that doesn’t help.
I told her that all the time she is disconnected from her true self in the marriage, that process will drain her.
It will also kill her ability to find him attractive and build a passion for him.
I told her that in this type of case, her default will be to turn herself into a doer.
A doer, in this case, is the masculine energy in a woman that’s designed for efficiency on one hand…
…on the other hand, she is focused on emotional self-protection.
I asked her if she felt protected by her husband, and she said no.
“So you don’t have emotional security?” I asked
“No!” she responded.
I replied, “So, without emotional security, you will not have an emotional connection.”
Emotional connection is the bridge to a foundation of emotional trust that will allow love and passion to flow.
It lead me to this question: “So when was the last time you felt like you?”
“OMG years ago!!!” she started to cry.
Her husband wasn’t a bad person at all; he simply didn’t understand his role in the marriage that would free her to be herself.
He judged her by his own standards, and this is a recipe for disaster.
She needed him to bring his masculine energy to her that would enable a safe route for her feminine energy to flow towards him.
He actually used his masculine energy to be upset at her, criticise her, and, at times, scare her with his rages.
His intention was to help her to be better, but he actually made her worse for him and herself.
The solution
The moment he understood how he was part of the problem, he was able to create a new, safer energy for her.
A new energy that would bring the best out of her.
The moment she learnt no matter what’s going on around her, she must never lose connection with who she is ever again.
She learnt how to help him be successful with her by bringing out the best in him.
This combination of shifts transformed their connection.
As each person now understood their roles and how to get the best out of themselves and each other.
Now we have a team that can grow their connection allowing each person to be different.
Now they have a relationship where security is built every day; the difference is feeling safe is no longer a focus; it’s a result of their new actions.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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